We have impatiently been waiting for this moment for nearly half a year. We don't just need a new American Idol, we deserve one.
Hey, remember Carrie Underwood? I remember her every night right before I go to bed. Aw, Taylor! This was supposed to be a special moment between me and Carrie! All right, well, here's Kathy. We have a perfect ratio here for a miniature golf double date. Then we can go out for chocolate dipped soft serve cones afterwards. What's this? Who are all these people? Why is the course so crowded? We're going to be here forever! Listen, guy, after your super cute 3-year old has missed from four feet for the fifth time, just pick up her pink ball and move to the next hole. Carrie don't like waiting! I do have to say, though, it's so nice that all of these Idols bravely made it through the rain. That hard driving rain of fame that depresses us all. They've gotten through it and now their clothes are white as can be!
Is Ryan wearing the same suit he did Tuesday night? Maybe he partied so hard that he simply didn't have time to change. Idol finale week is a big celebration. Ben Stiller sure seems to love that Idol. Dude, this is what Randy was like all year. Wow. We got a hot recap here tonight! Paula sure wears her heart on her sleeve, even when she's wearing a sleeveless dress. And that ain't easy, brother! Simon likes to touch his masculine chest.
Oh look, it's the vaguely attractive O'Donoghue gals. I hope they enjoy this low-definition pinnacle of their careers. What would a two-hour finale be without singing? It would be weak, that's what it would be. So let's have Paris sing with Al Jarreau. Spanning nine generations!
You know tonight's show is big because they've given Seacrest a crystal podium to stand behind. Usually he's just up there unprotected. Gossip says that podium cost $1.3 million. But it's hard to say whether that gossip is true or if I just made it up right now. So Chris Daughtry and Live, huh? This should certainly be down the middle. Nice work by Ed to shave his head in tribute to the guy who hasn't actually released an album yet. With these two smooth frontmen, the band looks like a bald Nelson up there. Oh, what is the source of your mystery? It keeps on tearing me up. Here's a question to ponder. If Live and Daughtry went on tour tomorrow, who would be the opening act?
Now let's enjoy the comedy team of Puck and Pickler. Aw, Kellie. So representative of average Americans. It's hard to believe other countries around the world don't like us sometimes. Here's the thing. I know people get weirded out by the idea of escargot. And they especially don't like escarGOT, as Kellie would say it. But we eat millions of tons of shrimp a year. It's only a matter of time before we top our waffles with prawns. So am I really to believe that a shrimp is that much more appetizing than a snail? You put a snail and shrimp in a beauty contest against each other and it'll be a tie for second place.
And Meatloaf isn't all that appetizing, either. Red handkerchief, eh? This is certain to be a dramatic performance. I guess Kathy will be playing the role of a bull. Look at Meatloaf shake. This enormous Idol finale must be making him nervous. Or his shiny coat is making him overdramatic. Speaking of overwrought, how about this performance? It's like Idol's first ever telenovela. I'm expecting Kathy to slap Meatloaf hard across the face and then kiss him deeply after the song.
So here are the premiere Golden Idols. First category, Outstanding Female Vocal. I'm expecting this whole awards procedure to be slightly ironic, so let's how it goes. Yowch. It's more than a little ironic. But they still have better nominees than the Grammys.
Ah, crazy Dave Hoover. What an enjoyable fellow. I'm surprised he could take time out of following The String Cheese Incident around in a van to appear on Idol. Mr. and Mrs. Upper Class Parents from Colorado, congratulations on raising such a fine young energetic boy. Another success story for Montessori schools, I'm sure.
Time for more from Puck and Pickler. Or Puckler, if you will. Congratulations to Kellie for inventing a new pronunciation of Shanghai. Actual knowledge is useless to Kellie. She feels with her gut and that's good enough, as one Stephen Colbert artfully put it. Gee, it's been a while since we've had any singing. Let's see if we can remedy that. Ha ha! Oh, Kevin Covais. You simply can't butch him up no matter hard you try. These five would form possibly the least threatening street gang of all time. Although they would give the Jets a run for their money in a sing off. Kevin trying to look tough during "Tobacco Road" is quite possibly the highlight of my life. He'd have more success trying to leap over the Kodak Theatre.
So a lot people are wondering who besides Taylor will become the most famous Idol after this season. Katharine? Chris? Well, I'm putting my cash money on Melissa McGhee. It sounds odd, but you'll see. And I wouldn't waste my money on a sucker's bet because, you know, C.R.E.A.M. Dolla dolla bill, y'all!
Even U2 is clearing songs for Idol now? Wow. After this song, will Elliott speak in front of the World Bank and demand third world debt relief? Will Mary J. Blige join him, much like she's joining him tonight? Now Mary J. Blige has worked with both Elliott Yamin and Method Man. It's safe to say she can call her career complete.
Ooh, Carrie's back. See, now here's a real country song. Sadness, driving, adult beverages, this song has it all. And Carrie has a halo while she sings it, so you know she's the good one. The one that been done wrong. Time for more Golden Idols. I'm actually enjoying this feature. Really. I can be genuine at times and this is one of them. Enjoy it while it lasts. By the way, that's not the real Rhonetta. Don't accept imitations!
Is Taylor going to cuss during this song to keep the theme going? That would be kinda fun. Toni Braxton, huh? I'll just leave it at that.
Let's go, girls! Let's sing a saucy montage for America! Big shirts and short skirts? Wouldn't those big shirts hang past the short skirts and create the dreaded, "I just went out to get the newspaper with only a t-shirt on and here are my thighs" effect? I can't wait until Lisa Tucker turns 18 and learns not to use blue mascara. That'll be nice. So who looked tougher during their montage? Kellie Pickler or Kevin Covais? Judgment call.
Back to the Golden Idols! Best Impersonator. It's good to know that when Simon sent Michael Sandecki to the cloakroom, he didn't pee where they hang the coats. That could've been totally lost in translation. And here's Michael, fresh from the bathroom, to accept the award. Seacrest looks like a jock in comparison. Well, this is interesting for a couple of reasons. One, do you wonder if Michael thinks the audience is cheering for him? Two, what in the world happened to Clay's head? It looks like he thought he was going on twenty minutes later and was showering when he was called to the stage. Actually, it looks like somebody put their hands on his head and pushed down. Anyway, just about anything I say about Clay will get me into trouble, so let's leave well enough alone.
Here's Burt Bacharach, whose hair looks perfectly normal. Now here's Brett Young, whose hair looks...well, it looks about the same. And you know where I stand on that matter. And then Melissa McGhee sashays onto the stage in a stunning red dress. At least that's what somebody behind me said and I decided to take it down. This is rough for Brett. With all the talent on the stage tonight, I feel like he's been totally exposed. Hopefully his agent will be sending him on TV auditions in the fall, because singing's not for him. And if he can't land a role as a cool young FBI agent who plays by his own rules, maybe he can at least land a hair care commercial. Hey, did any of you guys buy into that conspiracy theory that Kellie was just playing dumb - or dumber, at least - to garner votes? I never really did. But I would like to point out that earlier, Kellie hammily mispronounced the food as escarGOT, then just now nailed pneumonia during the musical montage. Now, maybe she sang it as ammonia earlier in rehearsal and somebody corrected her. But it's still suspect! Hey, maybe she can pronounce it fine but would spell it namoania. Who knows?
I like Elliott. Maybe some day in the near future we'll watch a game together and be a couple of real fellas. I'd like that. In a post-apocalyptic dystopia, the only available entertainment will be Kevin Covais singing "What's New, Pussycat?" Until then, let's enjoy life to the fullest. That's the second celebrity Paris got to introduce tonight! Why is she so connected? Because of her gammy? Maybe Mandisa wants to introduce a celebrity! Although I don't think Rick Warren sings.
How about one last Golden Idol before we crown the Golden Idol? Ah, Garret. The littlest cowman. Well, we all know the cowboys are winning this one, right? We might even get a song out of it! I actually think this trio should tour. They could do the famed Billings-Helena-Boise county fair circuit that saw so many hitmakers come through in the 30s.
All right, all of the guests are gone, all of the surprises are over. It's time for bidness! And then...wait...I think we have another surprise happening here. Prince! Hmm. I'm guessing Seacrest had no idea this was going down. I mean, he's had some inelegant segues in the past, but he wasn't even talking about music. Next thing you know, the purple one is getting down with two girls right where Brett Young was moments ago. This is hilarious. Poor Bucky had a big moment and all anybody will ever want to ask him is if he met Prince. And of course the answer will be no. Actually, Bucky will probably put it, "Naw, man." But you get the idea. No time to talk to Seacrest, Prince simply strolls off the stage. His two girls obediently follow. Man, oh man.
I suppose one final Taylor and Katharine dance off would be an appropriate end to this season. Seacrest chirpily informs us that 63.4 million votes were received, more than presidential elections have. Of course, you can't vote for president more than once unless you live in Illinois. And if you're 55 or older, you just loved that joke. Now here's a guy with a checked shirt and dotted tie to tell us the voting was all square. He's British, so you can totally trust him.
And then Taylor won. Aw, come on, you saw it coming.