Tonight shall bear witness of the triumphant return of Bob Ice to the American Idol stage. He once was lost, but now he is found! And I bet he's wearing sunglasses.
This is...American Idol. Yes, it is. But thank you for the dramatics anyway. Down here, you can see twelve giant finger bowls. We're having a lobster and crab claws buffet after the show to celebrate the final 12, and we want to make sure everybody stays nice and clean.
This week, everybody stuck to their niche without doing anything too interesting. Here's the country guy, here's the soul guy, here's the soul girl. Then again, I stuck to my niche with stupid references and old jokes, so who am I to point fingers?
Ladies and gentleman, Bo Bice. Good to see he hasn't changed clothes since last year's finale. Ryan asks Bo how his life has changed since Idol. And even a smooth talker like Bo isn't sure how to answer such a question. "Um...I'm like...famous and stuff now, Ryan? Duh." Bo also brought back his own personal mic stand. The really light one that's easy to swing around.
Look at Bo's chest tattoo. I'm sure that didn't hurt too bad or anything. This song. It's a little too polished. A little too studio. I'd like to see Bo scuff up his music a bit in the future. We'll see what happens.
Once again, the girls have to suffer through the cuts first. I know the old adage is women and children first, but I think that's when talking about rescues. Lisa, the judges think you're fine. And they're right. Melissa, you were only able to get about half of your mascara off in the last 48 hours away. That was a serious paint job you did on Tuesday. Ayla, you're safe too. Your War Room can rest easy. Kinnik, I'm not doing any cute messing around here. You're gone. And hey, congrats to Kinnik for doing one of the best "You've been cut" final performances ever. And then Seacrest goes out of his way to make sure Kinnik never feels even a tinge of sadness. Because god forbid anybody feels like less than a superhero for even one second.
Now let's cut a guy. Equal pay for equal cuts! Brett, realizes how awesome Chris looked in his scorpion shirt last night, decides to bite Chris' style. So look for Chris to sport a toque next week. Kevin, you looked miserable last night. Gedeon, Ryan is not enunciating his words nearly enough for your taste. But you're safe and that's probably better. Bucky, you're safe. Hug your mirror image. Elliott, into your good ear, Ryan will say you're safe. Will...CHOP! No messing around. Man, you put on a flowery shirt and got cut in the same night. Rough. Ryan tells Will that Idol is a class in life and asks what he learns. Yes Will, what have you learned? That looks are important? That popularity means everything? That not enough people like you and something must be wrong with you? What have you learned?!
What you gonna do with all that junk? You gonna write one of the dumbest songs of all time? About your humps? What, what you gonna do?
Okay, the girls are back in town, all hoping to get a chance to sit in those giant finger bowls. Paris, everybody likes you. Get over to the stool of your choice. Okay, front left. Not a bad choice. Fairly safe, but fine. Katharine, you get the second choice of seats. But...uh...only if you can find your way over there. Which I thought was a pretty simple challenge, but apparently not. Kellie Pickler, get on down! Mandisa. Come on, we know Mandisa's safe. Lisa, here's a quick blast of safeness for you. Maybe you can manage to find some pants for the finals. And now it's down to Ayla and Melissa. Can Ayla survive the primaries? We'll find out in a second.
Tum ta tum. Just killing some time. La la la. Okay, here we go. Ayla looks confident, seeing as how she never faced adversity in the face. Melissa looks mostly resigned to be going home. But guess what? She's wrong. She's in the finals and Ayla is cut. Ayla gives Melissa a very sincere half hug and stands there trying to figure out how she failed for the first time in her life. Ryan furiously spins and spins, trying to cheer Ayla up, but nothing is sticking. She simply cannot believe this just happened.
So Ayla missed the tying free throw with one second left. Now what guy will join her? Not Taylor, he's in the finals. Whoo! Brett, you are also in the top 12. Better go out tonight and buy 11 more hats, just in case. Chris, lighten up, you're in the finals. Kevin, the littlest sex bomb. You are in the finals, much to your apparent surprise. Elliott, here are the Brittenum twins. Anyway, you don't have to worry about them, Elliott. You're in the finals. Gedeon and Bucky. So very similar in so many ways. But only one will make it.
And that one is...Bucky. Gedeon will have to take his over-enunciating and...teach English as a second language or something, I dunno. Or maybe he can catch on with an NFL squad since his face looks just like Steve Smith's. This is some final performance. I think Gedeon is going to extract revenge on Idol by eating the microphone.
Lastly, we see a montage of moments featuring the cuts. But don't worry, they'll all be fine. Especially Will, who will quickly find work as Jon Favreau's twin.