Before we get started, let me address one of the most popular email topics of the past couple of weeks. Who is Brett? Well, Brett is more commonly referred to as Ace. However, I refuse to call anybody but a jet pilot Ace, so I'm using Mr. Young's real name, Brett. Now you know, and according to a real ace, G.I. Joe, knowing is half the battle. Although I'm aware Joe is a soldier, not a pilot. Anyway, keep that in kind later in the review of tonight's musical activities.
Two of these guys will be going home tomorrow. Also, two of them look like baby chipmunks, except even more eager. Geez, that's an awfully casual stroll out to center stage for Seacrest. He's just brimming with the confidence! Or maybe they think the show will run short tonight. And hey, a full-on suit!
Then the dudes head up to the balcony. There's Chris, with a scorpion on his chest. A live one! He's probably going to eat it for dessert later. That's how raw and intense Chris is. He eats animal poison for dessert! There's Kevin, fresh from changing somebody's carburetor. There's Taylor, doing his weird, not at all rehearsed hug thing. And there's Brett, as seen on page 48 of a casual menswear catalog.
Oh, the secrets thing again? It was so mindblowing last night, I'm sure it'll be just as fun tonight. What is Gedeon's secret? No, it's not an answer to why he enunciates so firmly. It's the fact that when he's not sinGinG, he is painTinG. This is a painTinG of a reCorD thaT looKs like the worlD. Some elementary school teacher must have told him that enunciation is the key to success. Gedeon tells us he knows how it feels when a man loves a woman. Gedeon's song sounds a little weird. Maybe the sound is off again tonight. For some reason, the vocals seem lower than the music. That happened a lot last night too. Randy was okay with it, but still likes Gedeon. Paula, wearing a milky white bow on her chest, also likes him. And Simon is on board with them. Not crazy about this particular performance, but still intrigued by Gedeon.
After a break, the guys mock Seacrest behind his back. And it's about as clever when Seacrest mocks Simon. I guess our shiny host rubs off on people after a while. Chris Daughtry is destined to become the official musician of high school proms across the country. His rugged, seemingly edgy but actually incredibly safe ballad rock will please both chaperones and girls trying to figure out how to become women alike. I feel like I'm watching MTV2 during this performance. Take that comment how you will. Dang, who gave Randy that rough jewelry. He looks like a biker. Sorta. In a remote kinda way. Randy and Paula tells Chris he no longer has to worry about Idol, as he'll certainly be on the radio in Anaheim one day. Simon brings Chris back to Earth by saying he still has some ground to cover. Simon mainly didn't like the song. After all of that, Ryan calls Chris baldy. Hilarious. He's as good with nicknames as Bush.
Kevin Covais' big secret is that he's all kinds of gangsta. He loves Kanye. He ain't saying she's a gold digger, she just ain't messin' with no...well, you know. Oh dear. Kevin. What is this? I'll tell you what it isn't. It's not Kanye. I liked him so much, but he's so out of his element right now. He couldn't be more scared. It's like the ghost of David Radford took over his body this week. Kevin looks like a 12-year old singing at his older brother's wedding. Except all the aunts and uncles staring at him are making him incredibly nervous. Randy and Paula like Kevin too much as a person to say anything too bad about the song. Simon, however, isn't burdened by that problem. Ryan, ever supportive of these little angels, begs Simon to say something nice. Play nice! But Simon is incapable of offering Kevin any advice that will put him into the final 12. Like if Kevin jumped out of a second-story window and hurt his leg and Seacrest asked Simon what Kevin should do. Well, don't jump out of that window any more. Oh, poor Kevin.
Bucky has a twin brother named Rocky. Mr. Tonky and Mrs. Stucky Covington sure had a theme when naming their kids. Bucky is going to sing bland country tonight. I dunno. What do you want me to say about this? It's as plain as Bucky's black shirt. Randy and Paula both like Bucky as a person. That's about the extent of their comments. Simon thought it was okay, if fairly unremarkable. Tonight's show is shaping up like the last three. A bunch of bland, boring performances capped off by somebody going last and blowing the competition away. Idol's been weird this year that way. It's almost like...everybody knows how the show works now, so they just want to keep their heads down and make the finals without trying anything too risky or interesting. Like how those Olympic short track speed skaters just coast for eight laps and then try to win late. But you know what? Sometimes you crash on the fifth lap, man. Sometimes you crash on the fifth lap. Geez, that is a twin. Rocky, Bucky and Pretty all stand there and it's quite a visual treat.
Will? Secrets? Taking Japanese, eh? Oh really? Perhaps you know about some secret government takeover being plotted in the Land of the Rising Sun? Trying to get a leg up on the rest of us, Will? Not talking? Hmm. Maybe a four-year vacation at Club Gitmo will loosen up your bilingual tongue. Stop! And thank you baby. Randy thinks that performance was not good. Not good at all. But Paula loved it, a fact that clearly baffles Randy. Simon is with Randy on this one. That was a voted off-level performance.
Okay, you know what the real problem is with this year's group? I've sort of been dancing around this point trying to figure it out and now I've got it. So, although it's great that Bo Bice and others opened up the door for different styles of singers - preventing Idol from becoming a steady stream of pop tartlets and boy banders - everybody just plays their part. Here's the white guy singing soul. Here's the Motown guy. Here's the country dude. Here's the rock chick. It's become a simple genre battle because nobody ever leaves their comfort zones. Nobody is showing any range whatsoever.
Oh my! Michael McDonald?! Oh my my my. Somebody make it stop! Paul Rudd would be going crazy right now. Although he might like Taylor ice cream maker dance. Churn that cream, boy! Is anybody else freaked out when Taylor smiles? But you know what? The judges are going crazy for this. They absolutely loved it. Including Simon. So I guess I must admit that I stand in the very clear minority here. Okay. I can take it. But did you notice that Taylor did an upbeat number there? Even if it was Michael McDonald. I told you, an upbeat number covers a ton of flaws.
Elliott's secret is that he can't hear out of one hear and his friends make fun of him for it. Hmm. I think...I think I preferred the bland secrets. Uh oh. Slow song. Can Elliott pull it off? He's supposedly the best male in the competition. He'd better be able to. Ooh. Low notes. Not Elliott's thing. Not my thing either, surprisingly. I can't believe with this song, the digital background isn't running a picture of Heaven. I know some people say we don't know what Heaven looks like, but we do. We do. It looks like Orlando. Randy admits that listening to Elliott excites him. Paula gets so excited about him she loses her motor skills. Simon thought Elliott was playing it a little too easy. Wrong song. Slow song! I can't say it enough! The traveling toothbrush salesman, Seacrest, compliments Elliott on a job well done.
I'd like to know what's the last book Brett read. And magazines don't count! Even ones that offer eight quick ways to great abs. So Brett's big secret? Well, he wasn't a big success before trying out for Idol. Oh no? No movie roles opposite Ryan Reynolds before Idol? It's almost like the two things are...connected. Brett, feeling he can use Jose's falsetto now that he's been eliminated, gives it a sing. Man, he seems so much like the younger brother of one of the guys from Color Me Badd. Brett's performance is indicative of a guy that knows he's good looking so he doesn't bother picking up women. He just messes around instead, tries to see if he can get them while not trying. That's what this song is like. Randy thought it was hot. Paula loved it. Simon thinks Brett's genetic gifts made it easier to look past the rough vocals.
So there you go. Time to vote. Of course, by the time you read this, the time to vote will be long gone. But whatever. I'm Ryan Seacrest, and we're going home. Hmm. Well, that's different from last night's sign off, whatever it is. I guess this is also the semi-finals for his catchphrases as well. Tomorrow night, we'll learn what signoff Seacrest will use for the rest of the season! Fun! My money is on "I'm Ryan Seacrest...buenos tacos!"