Hier, les femmes. Aujourd'hui, les hommes. Et demain, les renvoyers. Six ans of Francais in high school and college and I still had to look most of that up. As the guys nervously and confidently stand on stage - yes, I just used two antonyms there to describe the same thing - Brett Young gives us that famous, thousand-yard stare of his. That famous, vacant stare. Le Seacrest saunters out in that continental way of his and puts the ball in the air to start the show.
Man, that sweater Ryan has on is completely redefining the v-neck. It's more like a...V-neck! Then the boys slide into the holding pen. There's Taylor, doing his Ray Charles hug again. Very authentic, except Taylor can see things. And there's Kevin Covais. And there's Chris, trailing the group by a large distance, just because he's too intense to stand within 8 feet of people. If he does, their clothes get singed.
Before we can have any singing, of course, we need some cute banter. Seacrest says Simon couldn't do his job, and crowd goes ooooooooh! Then Ryan gives a proud smile like he's never said anything more clever in his life. Although that's fairly likely, I...must have missed something.
Taylor wears a toboggan? Isn't that something you ride down a snowy hill into a tree? Does he mean tossle cap? Or, as our brothers to the Canuck north would say, toque? Now here's a good song for Taylor. A perfect song, even. Lest anybody think I don't like Taylor, I like what he's doing here tonight. Vocally. Physically, I just don't get it. It just feels so much like I'm watching old episodes of Saturday Night Live. I half expect Taylor to come out next week wearing either a bumblebee costume or a samurai robe. But anyway, this is a really good song tonight. Whoo! Although Randy wasn't crazy about tonight's performance. He still likes Taylor in general, though. Whoo! Paula has pretty much the same thoughts as Randy. Whoo! All of a sudden, Taylor has gone from Ray Charles to Ric Flair. Simon thought it was just average. Whoa! After everything is said and done, Ryan makes fun of Simon's penchant for wearing tight t-shirts. This guy's on a real roll tonight.
You put an Amish kid in the big city and that beard and black hit is gone, baby! Elliott is now stubbly, having dropped the ring beard. Now how do you follow up last week's performance when Simon said you might be the best male singer in Idol history? I guess we're about to find out. Elliott, wearing clothes from Kanye West Industries, is taking on a slower number tonight. I pointed out last night that slow songs are usually Idol poison. So let's see how this goes. It can't be that bad. I mean, how could the judges bring themselves to tear up a guy in a sweater vest? He looks like all of their personal assistants. Randy liked it so much that he offered up the first standing ovation of the season. And it's only week two of the finals! Paula loved it. By the way, what's with the patterns all over Simon's sweater? It looks like the outfield grass during the Midsummer Classic. Simon said Elliott was great and his confidence is growing, but that song is not how you win Idol. Do I know things or what? The answer is, yes, I do.
Brett and Gedeon are coming up next. That's a confidence Fat Man and Little Boy right there. Two huge confidence A-bombs. Ryan and Brett. So much gel and cologne next to each other. They might cause a chemical reaction that sets off alarms. Brett likes to have his beanie on him at all times. You have to protect such gorgeous, flowing, silky hair from everything. Sunlight, pollution, chicks wanting to touch it. Brett protects his hair like museums protect old oil paintings. In fact, just last year Brett installed a temperature and humidity monitor into his scalp to constantly monitor optimum follicle conditions. Oh, the song? Eh, whatever. It was slow. Kinda bland and forgetful. Don't. Pick. Slow. Songs. I can't say this enough, kids. No blank stare from Brett following the tune. I guess he has a lot on his mind. Randy, looking like a sprinkled cupcake tonight, liked how Brett flexed his abilities. Paula liked it. Simon thinks Brett struggled with it. Maybe he can put his hat on and try it again. Geez, do you think Simon is starting to feel put upon this season? Maybe when he gets home, he can cheer himself up by swimming in the gold coins in his vault, a la Scrooge McDuck.
Ryan! Don't touch the beanie with your bare hands! You're going to get acrid oils in there and mess up Brett's locks. Ah, see? Now that somebody touched it, Brett just has to throw it away. And now that Brenna put it on her head, he's just going to have to burn it. Like when an American flag touches the ground. It's okay. He has many backups.
If you let your eyes unfocus during Gedeon's performance tonight, you'll be able to see a sailboat on that video backdrop. Another slow song. So many slow songs this week. That's it! I'm writing a book! I can't keep watching people shoot themselves in the foot. Gedeon's showmanship, which rivals Taylor's...um...plannedness, is really showing tonight. Randy thought Gedeon struggled up front, but really pulled it all together in the end. Paula loved it. Simon thinks Gedeon is a little showy, but if he's good enough to Berry Gordy, he's good enough for Idol. Ryan just said "work it out." Seriously. Paula loved the tribute to Sam Cooke so much she wants to hug herself. And so she does.
Oh, KEVIN has got some Marvin Gaye coming up. I thought he said Heaven. But no. That's from the show Seacrest hosts on Saturday nights in Hollywood. Just picturing Seacrest posing for a snapshot with Snoop, Jay-Z and 50 is almost too amusing to comprehend. Kevin Covais singing a sexually-tinged Marvin Gaye song. It actually looks like someone just put a karaoke machine at some kid's bar mitzvah. And if you picturing him singing this to some young girl he met at summer camp, then it's not so bad. After the song, everybody is laughing and smiling and the whole thing takes on sort of a...mascot feel. Like when the team manager gets a minute of playing time during a 30-point blowout. But you know what? According to Randy, Kevin can actually sing. He's not being humored at all. Paula loves Kevin's enthusiasm. Boy, Simon really has those sleeves pushed up high tonight. Anyway, he somewhat validates my team manager thoughts. After the song, Ryan compares Kevin to Chicken Little. That should really help him with the ladies.
Last week, Jose performed in a falsetto. Perhaps this week, he'll try a basso profundo. Or maybe even a sotto voce. Actually, probably not. I just wanted to bandy about some musical terms that I barely know the meaning of. A lot of people taking on Stevie this year. Now that's just flat-out bold. Ha! Jose's dad! What a nice guy. No sense of rhythm, but a really nice guy. Hmm. This backdrop really makes that ridge on the top of Jose's bald head stick out. Somebody needs to coordinate that better next week. Get moving shapes behind the guy. As for the song, I'm not positive, but I'm guessing the judges aren't going to be too crazy about it. Just...unspectacular. But we'll see. Judges? They weren't thrilled by it. Man, do I know this show! Let's start that book! Defense counsel Seacrest puts Jose on the stand so he can offer up an alibi, but Jose openly confesses to the crime. And Thursday comes to sentencing phase. Will Jose get a rap on the knuckles? Or will he get...life?!
Next up is Will Makar. Muh-KAR. Unfortunately, Will is not wearing a fake white beard to sing a Kenny Rogers song tonight. Will would not make it on Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers. Will talks about how he got to meet Justin Guarini at a recent party. I'm not sure if that was as a warning to the kids about how they could end up or not. Then Will talks about how, as a kid, he would watch Justin and dream about being on Idol. Okay, let's stop right there. Idol is now completely self-contained. It's only season five and already people are talking about looking up to past contestants?! Oh man. Hey, is Seacrest Will's school tutor? Wait. No. That's some other scrabbly dude. Man, could you imagine if Seacrest was a trig whiz? Like if he scored 790 on the math portions of his SATs, but turned down Cornell to go be a DJ in Hollywood? That would be fairly hilarious. Anyway, another slow song tonight. Do we all know how this is going to end by now? Couldn't Will have worn a white suit as a tribute to Kenny? What's happening to Will's face? What is this note doing to his face? I hope it doesn't freeze that way. Randy thought it was just okay. Paula liked Will's tone. Simon thinks Will will be popular among the 11-year old set. Defense counsel Seacrest asks Judge Seacrest to advise his client for next week's performance. Again, slow songs completely expose you vocally. Stop picking them, kids!
Hi, I'm David Radford, and I'm not sure how to smile! Is this how it goes? Bucky Covington is going to take a Garth Brooks tonight. Ugh. Garth Brooks. Bucky, Kellie already tried the weird food thing last night. And people in the South eat pig's feet. How weird do they think French food is in comparison? Actually, the French eat pig's ears, so I guess there is a huge difference. And the thunnnnnnder rolllls. I hope the video background doesn't have a lightning strike that scares Bucky and throws off his performance. And the thunder rolls. Randy thinks Bucky rolled right along with the thunder. Pauly liked Bucky and thinks he's finding his place. And Simony thinks Bucky is quite sincere indeed. He's not pretending to be aw shucks, like some others. Not naming names. But Simony thinks Bucky is more of the opening act, a feeling Ugly Duckling once wrote a song about. Mmm, sweet tea. I could go for some of that right now.
So can David improve on last week's effort? He certainly couldn't decline from that standard, could he? Man, he seems really nervous right now. Maybe meeting Justin Guarini the other night with Will Makar has completely blown his mind. This is a short paragraph. But there's not too much to say about this performance. It just...was. Randy and Paula just weren't feeling it tonight, and Simon thinks David's nervousness is a bad substitute for charisma. David tells Seacrest he felt good and confident going into the performance. In short, choppy answers. Well, that doesn't answer anything.
Lastly tonight, Chris is going to sing some Fuel. That seems pretty appropriate. Fuel. Whatever happened to those guys? Oh right. They sucked. And save your emails telling me how great Fuel was, guys from Fuel. I'll know it's you. Gee, this is a surprisingly intense performance from Chris. Really out of the box for him. Do you think he grinds his teeth at night? Randy loved it, loved it, loved it. Maybe even added a fourth loved it. Paula thinks Chris is amazing. Simon thinks Chris turned in the only worthwhile performance of the evening. And, coincidentally, Chris did an energetic, upbeat number. He avoided that down tempo pabulum. So, in short, I am a genius. I should take the Wonderlic just to make it official.