Hello, Frisco! And hello Seacrest on a cable car! Ooh! Ken Warwick! People piled into the Cow Palace, a big gray building. Charming.
First up are three Hawaiians. Heidi sings a little opera and, in a reality twist, is voted back onto the island. So, to sum up, Heidi looks like Jessica Simpson and sang a terrible Jessica Simpson song. Perhaps, next she can divorce her husband, have a fling with Johnny Knoxville and star in a terrible movie to complete the effect.
Heidi trudges out of the audition room and the other Fembots console her before heading back to the airport. Shawn Vasquez is next. Shawn would like you to know that he takes his music very, very seriously. No, really. This is serious. A serious audition. Do you think when Shawn bought his shirt, they just scanned the whole thing? Does the pattern double as its own UPC barcode? Sometimes stripes are slimming, sometimes they're just baffling. Simon puts things into perspective for Shawn by telling him he has one of the worst voices he's ever heard. That is some kind of perspective. I suspect that Shawn's vocal coach offers him a different perspective every Friday when she cashes that check.
So San Francisco isn't off to the best start. But it's still early. An earthquake could happen. That would be interesting. You know what else would be interesting? Telling people your name is Sway and meaning it. In fact, it's so interesting that it guarantees you passage into the next round. However, if it were me, I'd change the spelling to Swai to make it even more interesting.
Then a bunch of people make it. So perhaps it's not so bad. Wait, now it's bad again. I would like Matt to do my taxes. Perhaps to negotiate some of my investments. I would not like him to sing to me. Matt loves wolves! What a...what a thing to love. I promise you, his living room contains at least two oil on velvet paintings of a wolf standing tall on a boulder and howling at the moon. Really sets the mood for the chicks, you know? Tells them early on they're in for a lupine kinda night.
Is Matt like Clay Aiken? Well, I don't want to hear either sing, so in some regards, yes. Also, a tabloid recently showed Clay has chubbed up from too many hush puppies, so he and Matt are similar in that way too. Actually, looking all the evidence, the Matt/Clay connection is not that far fetched. And let the pro-Clay emails from 14-year old girls begin!
According to that promo, we have lots of new interesting things on our website. Sure, I'm not listed. But I ain't hatin', dog, as Federline would so succinctly put it. Bwownh! That's the return music sting, if you're wondering. Last night, we had Sgt. David. Tonight, we have John Williams. His branch isn't important. Where does one get a silver shirt? Somewhere there exists a store where some shopgirl is unpacking a new box of silver shirts. But where is this place? And where is the place where Randy got his colorful accoutrements? He must have liked it, because he's wearing a ton of stuff on his arms. He also sorta likes silver-shirted John Williams, because he put him through to the next round.
These vocal coaches. How do I get in on this? These people are like the trainers in Best In Show. By the way, if you think you'd like to be a vocal coach, make sure you can stick out a perfectly flat palm towards people. Because that seems to be the most important part of the job. Also, you'll need to learn how to talk like this. "Mmm, readyyyyyy, and we're readyyyyyy E-flat this time, please. Mmmmmmmmm ahhhhhh ahhhhh AHH ahh ahhhhhh." Oh, and get one of those little silver things that hum notes.
Oh right, Katharine is singing. Let's pay attention for a second. Nice teeth, smooth cheeks. Everything I look for in a singer. I wouldn't want to hug her after she makes the second round since her sweater looks so itchy. But I would definitely clap, at the very least. Katharine easily makes the next round, with lots of compliments to boot. Ahhhh AHHH ahh ahhhh! Then Seacrest sends us to a commercial break with an uplifting message.
I thought Kurt Cobain was dead. Wait, no, that's somebody else. Wearing a polka dot shirt, even. Perhaps a big fan of the rap stylings of Kwame. Shalicia, here's my question for you. How many stores do you have to hit to find a fake flower, blouse and eye shadow all in the exact shade of blue? Then Shalicia manages to ruin that Pussycat Dolls song, a feat most people thought was already achieved by the Dolls themselves. But no, it can get worse! Shalicia tells the judges she quit her job for this, which is maybe the worst career move since Taradise.
And here are some hippie folks straight from a Northern California commune. I feel a heavy dose of real world non-idealism coming on, man. Wait, no, maybe not. Maybe this is the new Age of Aquarius. Yes! Yes it is!
After a break, Seacrest tells us we might think we've seen it all. I know that I definitely feel that way. But we definitely haven't seen Marcus. Until now. Marcus has a very long head, possibly even fangs and talks fast. He also has a dragon on his shirt. Marcus looks sorta like a bad drawing of Ludacris. And thus ends my observations of Marcus. Oh, except for one more. For all the things Marcus claims he can do, he doesn't do any of them particularly well. As Marcus walks out, Simon groans in agony.
Jayne. I am a big fan of this. An early candidate for Jaded's Crush of the Year, an annual tradition that all the chicks dig. Simon says no to Jayne, and for the first time in Idol history, I want to fight him. Why would he deprive me the chance to meet Jayne and make her dreams come true? Simon!
Jayne was only the tip of bickering iceberg. Here's some more. And here's a little more. And...here's a little more.
Is Seacrest slimmed down this year? He seems awfully sticky. Deborah Tilley. Last night, Jimmy Crabtree was a broad stereotype of North Carolina. Tonight, Deborah is a broad stereotype of San Francisco. Deborah claims that she's 27, but I think it's more believable that she was on the original psychedelic bus with Ken Kesey and Tom Wolfe. That wasn't five years ago. After some hemming and hawing, Simon drops the axe on Deborah. And that's when peace, love and understanding takes a break. Simon walks away, leaving Randy and Ryan as the only two who haven't walked off the show yet. Simon actually takes a ride back to his hotel. Now THAT is pitching a fit! That's how the rich and famous get it done.
All the fun and festivities die out and we move on to Manuel Viramontes. Manuel likes to shoot a little hot sauce before singing. Does he know that a single drop of that stuff on his gleaming white blazer will ruin the entire thing? Hot sauce isn't coming out! If you want a simple pun, Manuel's singing doesn't have the spice the judges are looking for. But he keeps singing, possibly to get the taste of hot sauce out of his mouth.
Then it's time for the closing montage, which reminds me that I need to buy some color toner for my printer. And I also need an HDTV. And also that the show is over.