In week two of Idol 5, we're moving on to Greensboro. And, as a helpful reader pointed last week, Greensboro has NOTHING to do with Raleigh. So don't even ask. For instance, Raleigh is named after Sir Walter Raleigh, who introduced tobacco and tomatoes to Europe hundreds of years ago. And Greensboro is named after Al Green, the legendary singer. Just two of the major differences between these metropolitan areas.
So let's go to North Carolina and hope we find another superstar. And hope it's not this doll wearing silver wrestling boots. Isn't that hotel nice? Look at all of the gold trim!
The show just started and we're already into our first audition. Sabrina and her eyebrows will kick things off. According to her profile, Sabrina wins lots of karaoke contests, people say she sounds like Faith Hill and men are constantly hitting on her. I believe...none of those things. Jerry Springer?! Sabrina hates him. Mainly because the last time she was on Springer, she found out her boyfriend was sleeping with her ex-boyfriend.
Next up is Cachet Robinson. I'm a bigger fan of her sister, Walnutay, but whatever. I'm also a bigger fan of the non-singing Cachet. The one who just stands there. Voulez vous Cachet avec moi? Cachet is cut and shuffles back outside. Following a bunch of anonymous cuts, we have an Amanda cut. Then we have Kellie Pickler, a roller skating waitress who is only okay at roller skating. And that's the least of her problems. Man, I hope she makes it. Talk about somebody who needs some good news. Kellie astounds the judges and easily makes the second round. She's so excited, she can barely tear herself away from the judges.
Ryan is back with us on Idol. Now we have Shawn, who I think was in the Backstreet Boys or something. Shawn has brought along his eighth-grade science fair project, which I think is a nice human touch. By the way, if you're wondering what Federline would be like if he never met Britney, here it is, right on TV for ya. The judges figure out a bunch of polite-sounding reasons to cut Shawn and that's that. A D- on the project for Shawn, and a lifetime of doubting his instincts for Shawn's little brother.
After that, a girl hands Simon a drawing of what he'd look like if the top of his head was crushed in a vise. Then somebody comes in with a life-sized cutout of Rocky Balboa. For some reason. Then something even more mind-boggling happens, a guy brings in a ventriloquist dummy. Scotty and Richard. I'm not sure which one is which, but I know I don't like either. Ah, Richard is the human. Richie tells the judges he's going to sing a song he sang to his wife at their wedding last year, which immediately brings two things to mind. One, I'm glad I wasn't at that wedding waiting out this awkward song so I could have some cake. Two, did the dummy go on the honeymoon? Anyway, I think the Richie and Scotty show has a real future in Laughlin.
That takes us to Ronda Jones, who is...who is not going to make it, let's face it. We all know where this is going, don't we? It's like watching the cops bear down on a fruit stand during a car chase. Let's just wait here patiently until it's over. Okay, it's over. Although, fellas, if you want to pursue Ronda on your own dime, may I suggest breaking the ice with gummi bears?
Sergeant Steven David, Jr. He drops bombs on your moms, kills car alarms. He wants to dance with Paula and he knows how to radio in coordinates for smart bombs. I recommend she dance with him before Sgt. David says, "I'll bomb your house into the ground, Missy." And if you can ID that reference, I'll send you a free t-shirt! (As soon as I get them, which will be never.) After the performance, Sgt. David and Paula pose for the judges in one of the all-time classic prom photos. The judges put the Sarge through to the next round and Mutual Assured Destruction is averted at the last second.
Seacrest is right. Greensboro is a small, small town with family values. When you come out of your audition, you can be comforted by not one but two guys in basketball jerseys! Now up is Halicia, who is just slightly extroverted. By the way, 100 bonus points if you spelled Halicia right without the graphic. The Different World theme song! Oh, this takes Kadeem Hardison and Jasmine Guy way back! Halicia offers to kiss Simon, then breaks out a hotel shower cap to prevent germ exchange. One flesh on flesh kiss later and Halicia is through to the next round. Outside, Halicia and her family cover themselves in plastic so they can hug each other safely.
Now we have Donny Meacham, who hasn't sung in eleven years. I wish it was twelve. Next time, try singing after your voice changes just so you can see what it's like. Your voice is really something you should double check before a singing audition. Donny has a bright career on Broadway unfolding in front of him. In makeup.
Kendra Winston has been in 42 orphanages in her life. In one state! North Carolina has 42 orphanges! Kendra sings "Ain't No Mountain High Enough," which the sensitive folks in the crowd interpret as a touching symbol of Kendra's life. Aw. Kendra don't need no stinkin' Simon, she's on to the next round without him!
It doesn't matter if you're cold, tired, your throat hurts, the top three buttons of your shirt are undone which reveals too much chest...when you get in front of those judges, you need to step the heck up. Chase, and his unidentifiable accent, will try to step up. Um. Well. I dunno. Maybe that is stepping up for Chase. But that staircase don't go high enough, son! His hair certainly stepped way up. Chase tells the judges he's willing to wear a dress if that means he can go to Hollywood. The judges aren't interested in that, but believe me, Chase, you can find people in Hollywood who are.
For the record, Simon doesn't mean to be rude. Shawna does, and she bluntly informs Ryan that he's quite short. Ryan accuses Shawna of wearing heels, a charge Shawna could throw right back at him. But that'll have to wait for another time, because we all need to figure out what Shawna is wearing. Shawna's mom was a professional stripper, and apparently this is one of her lucky outfits. The judges reject Shawna, but they are nice enough to tuck $3 into her outfit.
Day one in Greensboro is coming to an end. And, you know, it's been okay. I tell you what's really okay. Eric Keaton's Mike Nesmith-like haircut. That is super fine. Finer than Brandon singing an Uncle Kraker song for his audition. That's right, kids! I spelled Kraker correctly! Or at least this version of cracker/Kraker. I'm still with it! Brandon and his chick head home to complain about the judges over a dinner of salisbury steaks.
Hey kids, try not to get nervous during the biggest moment of your life. Thanks. Would nerves get the best of our next contestant, Ryan? Or would it be an extra-tight shirt constricting his sternum that caused the problems? Ryan sounds just like every new country song on the radio these days. You decide if that's good or bad. The judges decide it's good.
Cedric says he's related to Fantasia. Of course, we were in Greensboro and at least half of the people we interviewed made the same claim. Cedric the non-entertainer can't sing, no matter who he's related to. Ah! Ryan just stole my joke. Sort of. Oh well. I'm keeping it. I can't come up with gems over and over.
Now we have Paris Bennett, who is a Paris that doesn't want make me want to punch something. Am I crazy or is her speaking voice nothing like her singing voice? Am I crazy? Am I? ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Nope, I'm not crazy, the judges noticed it too. By the way, Paris is through. Easily. Outside, her Grammy-winning Granny just screams. Using all of his red carpet training, Ryan asks Paris how it feels right now. Um...good?
Then a bunch of other people made it. Don't worry about them for now. Day two. Simon's birthday. And here comes... yep...the requisite Seacrest joke about Simon's age. Old people are so stupid! Moving on, Marcus has won a lot of talent shows. And he's wearing a lot of orange. Marcus thinks he's like R. Kelly. Which is crazy, just like "Trapped In The Closet". So maybe Marcus is right after all. Marcus is ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut of our liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiives. He's cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. The judges, they laugh at Marcus. This is not a ringing endorsement for Randy and Paula's instructional DVD. Although that might be where Marcus learned to pop his collar.
Marcus takes the DVD outside and smashes it to pieces. Oh, if Marcus had a hammer. By the way, goggles when hammering, please! Construct safe, Marcus! After a break, we're treated to a montage of the, um, less attractive people that turned out in Greensboro.
Jimmy Crabtree managed to get himself a buzz cut of two different lengths. Not easy. He's also been hired to sing at somebody's wedding, which is sure to bring the house down. I'm amazed Jimmy Crabtree is from North Carolina. Looks more like a Cape Cod blue blood to me. Seems like you can't judge a book by its cover. Simon says Jimmy has the personality of a hippo when he sings. I...hmm. Hippo. Paula, wearing her favorite Star Trek jacket, tries to soothe things over for Jimmy, but doesn't have much success.
Sammy has loads of personality. And he looks like Ricky Gervais doing a sketch. I think if I had a choice, I would actually take Jimmy. Sammy describes himself as raw, but not as fierce. Which I think is an oversight. Because this audition is certainly quite fierce. I think if Sammy's wristband accidentally touched me, I would soak my entire body in alcohol for a day. It's the only way I could be sure to get fully clean.
We're almost done. Just hang in there. Tyra recently caught her boyfriend cheating on her and she took an 11-hour bus ride to North Carolina. I'm not sure which is more painful. Tyra tells Ryan that her boyfriend left her as she was recovering from surgery. Hey, just like Newt Gingrich! On a much more important note, Tyra makes it to the next round.
Seth Strickland, what are you doing? Where is your life going? Although the fellow members of your Battlestar Galactica/calculus club will be thrilled by your TV appearance, this is not working out in your favor. But if you give the mustache eight more years, it might finally come all the way in.
Jordan, how many firefighters wear flip flops into a burning building? I mean, you start running, you leave one behind, you gotta go back, next thing you know, the roof has caved in on your head. All because you didn't wear your regulation boots. Jordan tells the judges he's been watching Idol since season one. I know the feeling, brother. And why isn't he completing the theme with "Fire" by Hendrix? Perhaps Jordan's twin, Ethan Suplee has the answer to that one. After Jordan finishes singing, Randy yells "Fire in the hole!" Which...is...actually something you yell when a cannon is loaded, not when a building is ablaze. But whatever. Jordan makes it to the next round. Sound the sirens!
The Derek. For the record, I coined that name, and I've yet to see a single penny of royalties from it. Just saying. So. Rhonetta. You know, I am 60% sure that's a wig. Although we could spend all day dissecting Rhonetta's performance, let's just say it was terrible and get out of here. The judges reject her and she lets them all know she's still going to make it. Perhaps as the star of the gritty documentary Rhonetta on the Point. Outside, Rhonetta is less than pleased with her rejection. I think I'm going to rent B.A.P.S. tonight. Rhonetta's dad, in disguise, walks his daughter outside. Certainly a proud family moment.
By the way, here's your new catchphrase for any scenario in which you don't like something. "You think I'm gonna drink off you, *****?" Here's a handy sample usage for you. "Hey Don, I need to you stay a little late and finish up those spreadsheets." "You think I'm gonna drink off you, *****?" Or maybe, "Dear, do you think you can run to the store for me? We're out of milk." "You think I'm gonna drink off you, *****?"
Rhonetta tells us all to dream about it. I think if you did dream about it, you'd wake up sweating. So that's just about it from Greensboro. But not quite. Before we can finally go, here's one last montage of terribleness. Is that Ann Coulter? Is that somebody with a newborn? Is this over yet? Yes. Now it is.