Wasn't last night fun? Yeah, last night was fun. Twins, weird people. Last night sure had it all. Tonight, we move on to Denver. Mile High! Thin mountain air! Thick mountain folks! Denver has it all! By the way, Denver is another of the cities I visited on the Great Audition Tour of '05. May I suggest you check out those videos at http://www.americanidol.com/videos/? I promise that you'll enjoy them. Especially the ladies in the crowd, because this year that famous Jaded Journalist blur...is gone. Yeah, that's right. I'm now out there for all the world to admire. Chew on that for a while.
Whoo! We're a bunch of people! We're screaming! Whoo! Ryan asks why they call Denver the Mile High city. Somebody get this guy an atlas. Ah, there you go. The bowl cut guy will explain it all, as usual. All Randy knows is that the Mile High should be hot. That's all he knows. What does Marlows know? Does he know that he's excited? Does he know that his name makes people think more than one person is coming? Does he know two people are making out behind him as he registers? Does he know that he can't sing? In order, yes, no, no and no. So far, Mile High ain't hot.
Now here's Tiffany. Here's a little known fact about Colorado. Every single chick in Colorado looks like this. Blonde, not too skinny and you can't tell if she's attractive or not. I'm telling you, every chick inside those block borders is like this. There's no explanation for it. Except possibly the winters, which people want to use to explain everything.
Pay attention here, because Lisa Tucker was named by Variety as one of the something somethings to watch sometime. Or something. I didn't really catch it all. I know Variety has ankled all coverage of me, so whatever. Anyway, the point is, watch out for Lisa, a former child star who now has to go to huge auditions. Which she can apparently pass with no problem, because the judges adore her.
Welcome back to Denver. My belt buckle is not officially cowboy-sized, but it's getting there. Just give me some time. Hey, let's all dance! Here's a guy who can draw the entire United States. Very helpful, 150 years ago. And, once again, people who can backflip LOVE to prove they can backflip. Hold up, hold up. Take a couple steps back. Check out this sweet backflip!
Next up is Amanda Berg, who looks like an undercooked Meg White. And she sings like a...like a...a...I dunno. She sings bad. I'm tired of coming up with tortured metaphor. Amanda tells the judges she wants to be the next Whitney Houston. You know what, take away the singing and Amanda is halfway there. To current Whitney.
That brings us to our next contestant, Jimmy Fallon. I mean, I know Fever Pitch wasn't a blockbuster or anything, but does he really need Idol. Wait, that's not Fallon. It's some dude named Brett. Brett "Ace". I can't shake the feeling that he gave himself that nickname. Which doesn't count! Brett Ace sings a Westlife song, which is extra coy, since Simon produced Westlife and nobody in America has ever heard of them. Kudos to Brett Ace for doing a little online research before the competition. Brett Ace makes it to the next round with 2.01 yes votes.
Here's Rochelle Elaine. Rochelle tells us she's homeless, which might explain why she's at the audition with 38 people. The family has shirts that spell out her name. Except the girl wearing C is only about 6, so it looks more like Rohelle. Ah, it's the thought that counts, I suppose. Chain, chain, chain! Chain of fools. Short, short, short! Short denim jacket. The judges love Ro(c)helle, so let's start the celebrating. By the way, Rochelle, if you win the million this year, you'll probably only see $3200 after taxes and family members.
Welcome back to Denver. That little phrase cost the show $98,000. So like most American developments, one person did it and a whole bunch tried to copy it. Now we have the spawn of Constantine auditioning. Luckily, none of these hopefuls tried to kick the camera, only to fall flat on their backs on live TV. Here's Jacob Garcia, who we can safely assume broke his leg doing something Xtreme. And here's a girl talking about puking on the stage. Hmm. I'm not sure G.G. Allin is really the Idol type. And here's Ryan trying to show his rock/comedy cred. And whiffing on both counts.
Okay, so there's Chris Daughtry. Seems like a nice guy, looks like the frontman of every nu-metal band we've suffered through since 1998, sings aggro. The judges are certain to like this. And they do. Sorta. Man, do I know this show! Sorta. Chris' wife nervously waits outside. Hey, who's watching the kids?
So, some auditions were good, some were the opposite of good. Here's a bunch of people going by very quickly. And even though they told us Angela's name, you probably don't have to bother remembering it.
Erik Mena, should we remember your name? Nope. Too bad, Eric. Erik. Eriq. Whatever. You know what we need? Five real cowboys. One of them can audition while the other four put a barbed wire fence around the venue. See, Seacrest? THAT'S a belt buckle! If you're gonna do it, do it to the max! Garet likes to sing to a turkey and I like to eat turkey. So right there we have something in common. Also, I am renowned for my horse cutting skills, much like Garet. The judges advise Garet to take some lessons, and Garet tells them it's his first time out in public. Singing? Or ever? It might be ever. The back of his neck probably hurts from looking up at all the tall buildings. Garet makes the next round and starts jumping up and down like...well, not exactly like a cowboy would.
Day two in Denver. The judges are limoed across the street from their hotel to the auditions and we're all ready to go. So is Nick, who claims people call him Flawless. Okay, two things about Nick. Three, actually. One, he's clearly not Flawless. Quite flawful, in fact. Two, another person in Denver wore the EXACT SAME yellow outfit. Seriously. Three, I interviewed Nick in Denver and he described himself as "eagertistic". Again, seriously.
You know, I like Nick. He seems like a nice guy. But, you know, if you have to give him directions to a party or something, please speak very slowly. The guy can't even remember the slogan for his own business, for heck's sake. Speaking of that business, if you hire Nick to clean your house, then, best of luck to you.
On the other end of the brain scale, allegedly, is Ben. Ben invented a coaster, and here's the beauty of it. If you put your drink on the Benoaster, there's a 75% chance it spills within four seconds! Why didn't somebody think of this earlier?! Ben tells us you have to put your drink directly in the center of Benoaster, and it's a great novelty for bars. Where people can barely set their glasses on a table correctly. I have a feeling venture capital for the Benoaster will be slight.
Okay, so now it's time for Nick to sing. The judges almost trip him up by asking his age, but after a moment's thought, Nick is able to plow ahead. If I could offer Nick one piece of advice, it's open the windows before you start using the cleaning chemicals. Or at the very least, stop putting your nose in bottle.
Now there's Ben. He may describe himself as a genius, but one thing he definitely can't invent is a golden pass to the next round. Simon tells Ben's he's useless, he's bored, let's end it already. Sounds like the night I lost my virginity! Hey-o! Rob Schneider, you can use that zinger in your next movie!
Next up is April Walsh, straight out of 1928! Oh, she's from California. We hardly have any people like this out here. Such an anomaly. Another anomaly is that April is moving on to the next round.
So that's it from Denver. Man, what a high note to end on.