Been a long time. Been a long time. Been a long, lonely, lonely, lonely time. Been a long time since I rock and Idoled. Hmm. you know, I'm somewhat sure that I used that same opening to kick off either season two or three. Or maybe I didn't. I dunno. Whatever. It's been four years. You pretty much know what you're getting from me at this point, just like Peyton Manning. Great in the beginning, but the finale recaps always come up short.
I'm here and I'm wearing velvet. Blue velvet. At home, Dennis Hopper twitches, fuzzy memories rushing back to him. And...lights on. Lights on! Cut! Cut! I said lights on! Okay, Ryan, let's take that back from the top. And somebody please remember to turn the lights on! They need to reflect off the velvet! Geez! We've been doing this for five seasons now!
Seacrest tells us the #1 show is back. We're #1! Yeah! Ah, whatever. I don't get any of that glory. By the way, if you're new to the country, or simply like to come into trend four years late, here's a quick history of Idol.
By the way, Idol doesn't just pick a musical superstar every year. It also repairs karmic rifts in the galaxy and completes people's lives. People used to dream about to growing up, getting married and having babies. Now they dream about singing Whitney Houston songs in front of Randy, Paula and Simon.
Then we start to pre-meet a few people that we'll meet later. There's Constantine II. And then there's a chick that looks like Paula's long-lost daughter. And then there's some guy. And then there's the people who suck. So, you know, pretty much the usual.
Hi! My hat is on sideways and now I'm crying! You tell me which is more embarrassing. My homey Federline said I looked bomb, y'all.
I'm Ryan Seacrest and I can't go outside in the rain because of my hair. So I carry an umbrella! Chicago. It's rainy, it's windy and it's been declared one of the fattest city in the countries. Kinda makes you want to go inside and curl up by the fire with a good sausage. Here's Soldier Field. Yes, it looks like an office building fell on a stadium. We all know that already. Yes, the Bears failed to show up in the playoffs. We all know that already too.
The judges pile into the hotel, which has very, very dark hallways. So you know it's a hip boutique place! So here's Derek Dupree, whose t-shirt helpfully reminds us all what city we're in. And he also reminds us to raise our hands if we're sure. Money is like a handkerchief to Derek. He's so rich! Which is good, because he's not going to make any money with his singing career. Derek begs the judges to come back in an hour, by which time his entire shirt will be covered in sweat. The judges acquiesce. Yes, it's a big word. I went to college.
Then there's Katrina Yaukey. Short skirt, tall boots. And chances are, she's been looking for her glasses all morning, not knowing they're on top of her head. Katrina sorta raps and sings and sorta kills Shock G's soul and then sorta gets bounced. So now we have Justin Stitcht, who could be described as apple-cheeked, moon faced or lily white. Your choice. Justin could also be described as finished. And there he goes.
Here's Ryan with some twins. What does his t-shirt say? Something about rock. I think Ryan's rock cred has been established, so no problems there. After a small break, we're still in Chicago and we're still cutting people. Five hours in the rain, three hours in the car and one vague resemblance to Timberlake later, this guy is going home. So is...a goateed Pippi Longstocking. Yowch.
So now the twins. If history has taught us anything, it's that twins will be featured in the early rounds of Idol, and should disappear before the show really starts. Look, that's not me talking. That's history. The Hollywood round is a real Maginot Line for twins. Except...the Maginot Line was breached eventually. So...hmm. Hey, history analogies are tough sledding, okay? You try it. And look at that! The twins made it! But seriously, they're not lasting past Valentine's Day, I promise you. Then the boys go outside and celebrate VT (Victory for Twins) day. Kiss a stranger!
That brings us to Gina Glockson, who's wearing Seacrest's mesh shirt from season one. This girl is in a band called Catfight, which hopes to one day open for - and then fight - The Donnas on an all-estrogen rock bill. Gina has pierced her tongue, like a true rebel. It's takes a special breed of girl to pierce their tongue. I mean, only 1 in 4 girls her age have done it! That's moxie!
And so Chicago continues, as we all knew it would. After another girl sings, Paula asks if the judges can all say it on three. One, two, three...ye-yes-yes. Hmm. So I guess they can't all say it on three. Oh well. Keep trying, Idol judges!
We...totally...rocked...that...sofa...? I think that's what the top of that t-shirt says. Anyway, now we have Kevin, who is wearing the same clothes he wore for first grade photo day. Kevin does sing one of the all time classics, though. Have to give him credit for that. But if Fannie truly put her weight on Kevin, he would likely be crushed to death. But maybe he's into that. People are into all sorts of weird things these days.
Charles Berry has the skinniest lapels you've ever seen. Makes Alfie look like he was wearing a disco suit. Charles sings an original number that he possibly makes up off the top of head. Simon advises Charles to be a female impersonator. That...that's gotta hurt.
Hi! I'm a bubbly girl! My friends say I have a great personality! They can't figure out why I can't find a boyfriend! I'm larger than life! Seacrest then asks Brandon Groves, a deputy sheriff if he saw him with Jon Baker and Frank Poncharella. Okay, hold on. One, it's Poncharello! O! Two, if you spot a guy in a uniform and have two hours to come up with a punchline, you should do better than that! Three, the ChiPs remake is guaranteed to be an absolute travesty! Wise up, Hollywood!
Brandon sings "I Shot The Sheriff", possibly to show off his irony. Possibly to show off his plan for removing the "Deputy" from his title. Brandon is cut, and thankfully doesn't taser anybody. Totally rocked that set! That's what it says! Okay, we're 50% through with Ryan's t-shirt!
Once again, a rejected contestant is out on the streets hoping to get good news. The xxxx were going crazy! That's the second half of the shirt. Okay fellows, listen up. If a girl is wearing a dress and it's not her actual wedding day...RUN! No matter how cute she is, there's some crazy inside. And even though she claims this is a prom dress, it's too close for safety. Then she sings her prom theme. This girl really loves the promenade, man. Maybe that's where she first got her blonde streaks.
Outside, Derek is not succeeding. Inside, Blake Boshnack is dressed like the Statue of Liberty. Simon hates poor, tired huddled masses yearning to be friend, and he also hates Blake's singing. Interestingly, we ran into Blake in two different cities and he refused to talk to us. Flat out refused! We had a camera and everything! So basically, Blake dressed up to get attention, then refused attention. What kind of psychotic demands lots of attention, but only on their terms.
Derek is back, so are his sweatstains and so is the bad news from the judges. Now up is Erik Lawhon, from somewhere in the woods of Illinois. Come on, feel the Illinoise! The entire Lawhon family is blond and mostly curly. That's how you identify the Illinois Lawhons. After that, Ryan brings together Simon and Erik's grandmother. They discuss Erik's singing, and possibly their favorite brands of cigarettes.
Okay, we're back and we're still in Chicago. Still! Here are two sisters running through a cornfield maze. These sisters are clearly the toast of their small town. I'm sure their Dad simply guzzles antacid whenever a boy calls the house. Or maybe he just brings out the family shotgun. But can Brooke and Leah sing? Mmm, I dunno. Sorta. My final judgment would depend on whether I thought one of them would kiss me. Of course, I have no sway and the judges have lots, and then judges decide they're good enough. JUST good enough, but good enough.
Here's Yvette Gomez. Her shirt starts in the middle of her torso and goes down to her knees. That is not a common look. And not a good singing voice. Back to pharmaceutical research for Yvette. Fortunately, many pharmaceutical products help erase painful memories. Sup. I'm Zach. If you're wondering if I'm a true dude, I suggest you closely examine my ripped jeans, shell necklace and aviators. If they're not enough to prove my dude bona fides, I suggest you spend a night with me and my boys as we mack. Trust me, I am all dude all the time. On another note, Ryan's t-shirt closes its message with an X. Not XOXO, just X. Maybe it's a quote from the punk band X. I dunno. Something's happening, I know that much.
Is this...is that a dirty song? Big brown -------? Nice mouth on this girl. If you kiss her, it probably tastes like red onions. By the way, just for the record, I am not trying to hate on you. I'm not trying to, but I still am. In about three seconds, these girls are going to start pulling out each other's weaves.
FOX News in the Morning! Bringing you all the news from the Midway! "I hate you guys. I really do." - Girl.
We're onto another day in Chicago. All the cool kids sing in the high school parking lot, don't they? My name is David, and I am doing an impersonation of Frank Sinatra. Truly you must agree, this is unique talent that nobody else has mastered. In honor of Michael Buble and Josh Groban, the judges put David through. But also put him on a death watch.
So. Crystal. I have a feeling that if you gave Crystal and her mother a ten question quiz, and let them work on it together, and told them the answers, they might still get a zero. I haven't seen such vacant stares this side of a mannequin. Crystal looks like some bizarre combination of Ashlee Simpson and Nicole Richie, which is...well, it's not good. It's just not good. Also, Crystal is orange. Crystal doesn't make it. I hope she doesn't cry, or else the hotel staff will be mopping up mascara for a week. Crystal gets cut and now we can all forget Crystal. Yes, yes. We'll see her again. She'll be famous. I'm very certain of that. But let's just forget her for now.
Hats. Cousin Itt. Superfans. A crying cowboy. A medieval honor guard. Yes, Chicago truly had it all. I am from Ukraine. I want to stay in America because in Ukraine we only have small hoop earrings. But in America? Such giant hoop earrings! Such wealth! America is truly great! Well, Yulia or whatever her name is isn't going to make the next round and she won't be getting a performer Visa anytime soon. However, if she keeps writhing around like that, maybe some guy will marry her and she can get her green card that way.
And then we had more twins. Every year. Every. Single. Audition. Year. Twins. Well, I say no more! Even if one of them is willing to wear a loose necktie over his polo shirt. No matter how far they're willing to go!
Hey, I'm crazy! Wheee! I'm wearing no shoes! I go to Burning Man every year! I'm so iconoclastic! By the way, David is from Wexford, PA, a well-to-do suburb of Pittsburgh. So he's an even more annoying breed of goofy hippie. The goofy hippie with rich parents. Ugh. Incidentally, Xtina is also from Wexford. Is it still Xtina? Has it changed? I know Puffy changes names every couple of years.
Kids, let spoken word poetry keep you off drugs. Now back to Idol, which I think has become it's own 24-hour channel. Anyway, here's some people that are going to Hollywood. Don't worry about them for now. Wow. Is that a man dressed up like Tina Turner? Or is it an incredibly unfortunate looking woman? Oh my. And here's a girl wearing those little white receptors on her head for the motion capture portion of the official American Idol video game. If it's on the stage, it's in the game. Is that Crystal again? Or somebody who looks just like her?
That's Chicago. I'd come up with a snappier close but, frankly, that's the best I can do after that sprawling episode. Besides, I don't want to burn myself out before the season really gets started.