Wow. We've really come a long way in a short time, haven't we? It feels like just yesterday that we saw our first crazy singers and wondered if I had finally lost the Jaded fastball. But actually, that was three weeks ago. Now our superstars in training are leaving on a jet plane and we don't know when they'll be back again. Actually, we do know. They'll be back right now, in Hollywood.
Whoo! Yes! Scream! That is how you celebrate. And here comes the drama, according to Seacrest. Although it does look like this year people have stopped being nice and started becoming real. None of this teamwork garbage. That doesn't work in the real world! This year, it's one for one and none for all. Or something.
The judges brought about 175 people to Hollywood. Only half will sing. The other half will be getting on a double decker bus and seeing the sights in Hollywood. Which takes all of ten minutes. Also, London retired these busses and Hollywood never had them. So maybe not the most authentic way to cruise LA. If Idol wanted to keep it real, they should stuff them in giant SUV's, give them all cellphones and blended ice coffee drinks and make sure nobody ever uses a turn signal.
Kellie Pickler is one of the first contestants to take the Hollywood stage. And easily the most depressing and most uplifting all at once. Kellie Pickler is a little, let's say, green. Green! Pickler! I'm too fast for you, son! Ooh. Hey. Kellie forgot her voice back in Abelmarle. Poor Kellie. It's rough going first and then struggling mightily.
The judges then call out a bunch of girls and send half home. Boy, speed round. They aren't messing around with showing any of that pesky singing this year. Get 'em in, get 'em out. Turn over those tables! We got a family of twelve waiting outside! Patrick Hall seems like a sensitive young man. Every rainy day inspires Patrick to write a new morose song. Where's his voice going? Why is it disappearing? Randy tells Patrick to update his look and work on his star factor, despite the fact that Patrick is wearing what every single guy - including Seacrest - has worn on Idol for four years.
Harrison Ford wants to know why you're doing this and he wants to know now!
Big Red. Hee hee. Big Red. The non-singing half of Idol visits the Hollywood Bowl. Ooh! Pack a basket, get some wine and cheese and you have yourself a lovely evening. Back at the theater, we're subjected to Ronnie once more. Sigh. There has never been somebody harder to root for on American Idol. Can you anti-vote for somebody? I'm going to find out and let you know. Ronnie and the other guy that loves himself dusts Shai off and breaks it out. Simon realizes that he wasn't missing Shai as much as he thought.
Time for more cuts. Already! They are flying! And the back row is done. So long, Ronnie! All for the better. Can you fathom Ronnie trying to work out a routine with two other dudes? It would be bumpy, I imagine. Welcome to adversity, kid. It sucks, but you could use a little of it. Cry! However, I will not be mocking the Air Force reserve soldier, as I like my apartment in its current form.
Back with the girls and we are still mowing down the contestants. Matthew Buckstein. Is this an impression? Is this Faith Hill's husband or whoever? God, I hate new country. And where are your sleeves, Matthew? You're going to get a sunburn!
The other group is now smack dab on Hollywood Boulevard. Kids, please don't touch anything with your bare hands. And try to avoid stepping in that starlet's puke from last night. The singing group is still struggling. A girl with two facial piercings handles the mic. I didn't catch her name, but I have a feeling I don't need it much longer anyway. Linelle. She's cute. Maybe a little intense. Or a lot intense. Or way too intense. I like the two little buns on top of her head, though. Bonus points for that.
You know what's interesting? Because the audition rounds focused so much on the junky singers, most of these Hollywood round types are brand new. Not a funny point, sure, but perhaps interesting. Or maybe not. Maybe I'm just easily intrigued.
The piercing girl advises those who don't make it to keep their eyes as wide open as possible to take everything in. She then demonstrates by opening her eyes as wide open as possible. In case, you know, people missed the point. Ashley! That's her name. Great! I learned it just in time to never need it again.
Paris Bennett. She's good. Now down to the beach? Man, these kids are squeezing a year into a day. Back in the theater, Taylor Silverfox is squeezing out his tune. I mean really squeezing. The guy's going to strain something. Man, every time Taylor sings, it reminds me of that Bruce Hornsby song they once featured on Family Ties. Speaking of Family Ties, remember when Uncle Tom Hanks drank the cooking sherry and Alex P. caught him at three in the morning? That was great.
Here's the rooster-singing cowboy, Garet, telling us this is his first-ever plane ride. This kid's in for a lot of firsts over the next few days, and I think his first-ever trip down Hollywood Boulevard might actually melt his face off. The chaperones should only let him out of his hotel room for the singing, and when transporting him to and from the theatre, they should put blinders on him, like you would a horse that you don't want to get spooked. There are just some things this kid won't be able to unsee. Not owning a swimsuit because he has no need for one, our young friend plunges into the ocean in his jeans. Ugh. Wet jeans. Let's hope he doesn't experience his first riptide during his first steps into the ocean.
At the theater, a bunch of people we've never seen before get cut. By the end of the day, half of the chaff has been separated. On day two, the sightseeing half will sing and the singing half with sightsee. Do you think the bus driver is sick of people going whooooo yet?
Poor Megan. She has a scratchy throat and a tendency to overanalyze her singing. Bad combo. She's handling like a true champion, I'll give her that much. Although I won't mean it. It's going to be fun living with this excuse for the rest of her life. Maybe the judges will feel some compassion. Pending...pending...no longer pending. She's safe. Now Megan can go back to her hotel room and eat a gallon of honey.
Ha ha! I guess if it worked for Megan, it's going to work for everybody. This is weird. It's so unlike this younger generation to make excuses for themselves. In Hollywood, the singers want to know why Seacrest has a star, but Simon doesn't. Guess Simon's publicist needs to get cracking.
Now what about our twin friends? One bombed out. How will Terrell do? Or is this the first one and they just switched places backstage like the Killer Bees used to do in a tag team match against the British Bulldogs? Man, '80s references are all over the place today. When did this recap turn into Family Guy? Anyway, back in '05, the twins are through. Hopefully they have a backup tank top undershirt for tomorrow. What are they ranting about? Something about Constantine and Carrie? I'm not really listening.
I'm so tiny and it's like so big. Ahem. Yes. Are these twins still complaining? Don't they have something to do? Like go trim their goatees? Still Day Two, people still singing Shai. Wow! That is a short skirt. I mean real brief, man. What's with this guy's soap opera hair? And then there's Kevin after that. Two wildly different aesthetic approaches. Dude, calm down a bit. Get control of your stubble.
More twins. First Joshua. Hey kids, do you know what state MI is the postal code for? That's right, Michigan. Those of you who got that, feel triumphant. Those of you who missed it, feel shame. Shame like Jarrett is about to feel. And Joshua too, apparently. Why bother keeping one if you don't want the other, I guess? As a consolation prize, a very attractive girl hugs them in the lobby. So the trip wasn't a total waste.
The sightseers move on to The Magic Castle. There's a chance we're going to lose at least two contestants in a trap door here. That's okay. Plenty more where that came from. Cowboy Garet. I have a feeling if he makes the finals, they're going to update his look a touch. For instance, maybe a black cowboy hat. So here he goes. I hope he makes it, mainly because I don't want to see him cry again. And there goes the hat! And there goes the jumping! Garet is through.
In the lobby, the twins are swearing in unison. Ironically, they claim some people who didn't deserve to move on did. Sigh. This Dave guy. I think the judges are about to regret this one. Like they agreed to go on a blind date with somebody they were warned was emotionally unstable. But they said, you know what? Screw it. I bet it's fun and I'll at least get some spinach dip out of it.
People are still singing. Like Chris Numetal. Chris begs us all to try loving again. Just give it one more chance, please! Katharine McPhee can read sheet music! Paul McCartney has admitted that he can't. Therefore, by some standards, Katharine is better than the Beatles. And Wings! How could she possibly lose? Katharine tells Ryan she believes in the power of thought. That seems somewhat circular and self-fulfilling. Thinking that you believe in thinking? Whatever works, I suppose.
So here's Dave, auditioning for The Surreal Life. You know what? We already have three million people like this in Hollywood. Did Idol really have to throw one more on to the pile? Let's just wait here patiently until this is over. Okay, was anybody else hoping Dave was coming up a foot short on that leap? What? Dave got cut? Then truly nobody is safe.
The judges dropped 66 people in two days. Some handled it philosophically. Some cried a bit. And one girl broke into slam poetry about her elimination.
I'm going to bury his face! Oh man, that is my all-time favorite memory from Idol. Nothing will ever top that for me. Ha ha ha! Oh man. Although yelling that without me, there is no Idealistics might come close. Ah, who am I kidding? Bury his face will be the #1 best moment even if this show last a thousand years.