Here's my problem with the people of Boston. When their sports teams win, it's the greatest triumph in human history and unless every single person in the country says it's the greatest team of all time, they cry about not getting enough respect. Even when the team stars in four commercials and the quarterback becomes the first active player in history to flip the coin before the Super Bowl. And when their teams lose, it's the biggest tragedy in the history of sports and it's so completely unfair that nobody else is willing to recognize how badly they were ripped off. And it's like this four times a year, every year.
The other thing is, you will never meet a more arrogant populace with less reason to be so. Sure, Paul Revere rode through your town over 200 years ago. But you live in Worcester, wear too baggy jeans and work in a sandwich shop. So why don't you come down off that pedestal a bit, friend?
Why am I mentioning all this? Is it just a roundabout excuse for pointing out that the Pittsburgh Super Steelers just won the dang Super Bowl? Well, yes. Sort of. But also to alert you the viewer, my friend, that you should not expect to see much humility on display during these Boston auditions. And that these people will not handle rejection with class.
But you know what? Lobster rolls make up for all of it. My word, could I go for one of those right now. And here we go! One of Boston's finest tells us that the next Idol will follow in the footstep of the Red Sox and Patriots. Seacrest plays along, but I have a feeling he doesn't know what either one of those things are.
Oh, the rain! Wow, does that look unenjoyable. And so does spending time with James Yokely. Boston is just packed with white guys like this. Junior Turtles, except less successful. And even less enjoyable than Entourage, where nothing ever happens. James busts out his super patriotic military rap, which has a good chance of displacing "Battle Hymn of the Republic" as the official theme song of the Marines. Here's a question. What happened to James' jeans? What a patriot James is! Why do I get the feeling he didn't vote in 2004 and has no idea elections are coming up in November. So music isn't in James' future. But waving tiny American flags during parades most definitely is.
Ayla Brown's father is a state senator and her mother is a local TV personality. So Ayla definitely needs Idol if she wants to be successful. I mean, people with her background never get a fair shake in the world. They never get ahead! Heck, it's possible she would be the least rich student in her freshman class at Harvard. Can you imagine the humiliation? Of course you can't. It's too awful to picture. Ayla runs face first into adversity for the only time in her life, because the judges don't like her bland, pre-programmed, sound bite personality. But guess what? She still makes it! What an inspiration! Wow, Ayla's mom really is on TV. Look at that official news hair! A real lollipop!
Irada, whose name comes from Eros, the god of love, shows us a little central European sultriness. And a lot of bad singing. Irada then breaks into "Chain of Fools", which would be more accurately called "Chain of Bad Decisions". Poor Central Europe. Leah Vladowski couldn't make it and neither could Irada. Allison is really smiley as she sings in her pop opera style. Somebody has been classically trained, although they didn't quite understand the point of it. That somebody would be Allison.
But they kept on coming. You know what? Grow up! Right now. But I will say this. The contestants are handling their rejections with grace and dignity, smartly disproving my "Bostonians are arrogant" thesis. Wait. Hold on. That's not what's happening at all. In fact, I'm being validated. I'm a genius!
The O'Donahue twins do everything together. Mmm. Hmm. Umm. Okay. Twins. Hot twins. Okay, I'm willing to waive my no twins clause for at least the next three minutes. Aw, "Black Velvet"? Again? Nuts. Wait, why are you moving this way, girl? Paula wasn't crazy about the singing. O'Donahue #1 is rejected by Simon, but Paula loves hot chicks, so it's on to Hollywood. FHM is going to have to wait at least three more months. But believe me, there will be FHM in the O'Donahue future. Not even tomorrow's sunrise is more certain.
Tatiana Reed. There's a lot going on here. I'm feeling so very, very tired. But once again, Simon is overruled and Tatiana is going on to Hollywood. I only hope she can handle all the attention. Hey, look at this! People are good! People are moving on! Seacrest is dressed for Thanksgiving with the family.
Ryan loves his job. But has there ever been less-convincing bar top dancing? That looked like a bachelorette party. So the people in Boston have all sorts of day jobs. And the trend of chemical engineers never becoming famous singers stays alive. Although Brad Pitt shattered that trend for actors years ago. Oh, you didn't know Brad Pitt invented those freezer bags with the zipper on top? Ha ha! I thought that was common knowledge.
Holly is a cute, bubbly girl with a black streak running through her hair. She's from Rhode Island, just like Seth MacFarlane. And...um...at least one other person, I'm sure. Holly sings her song, and you know what? There's no way she's going to the next round after that big puff piece on her. Wait. Huh? That production crew drove all the way out to North Providence for nothing?! I hope they at least got lunch.
Kenneth Maccarone is limbering up for his auditions. Kenneth Maccarone's father has never been more embarrassed than he is right now. Oh, hold on. The singing just started and the embarrassment somehow went up. And it could potentially go through the stratosphere if Kenneth follows Simon's lead and becomes a Cher impersonator. Kenneth then calls Simon the back of a pair of jeans. Or something. I dunno. I got lost about halfway through. Kenneth claims he's leaving the room with his dignity. Ha ha! Man, he left that stuff back in the fourth grade.
Seacrest observes that most of the male contestants in Boston are fairly young. That's mainly because when you turn 21 in Boston, you're never not drinking beer and watching sports. There's no time for singing. Who's this 12-year old? How did he get into the room? And how the heck did he make it through boot camp? That's where he got the haircut, right? But he does make it to Hollywood, which is impressive, considering that's he's probably not allowed out of the front yard yet.
Wow! Junior Gwar! That is fantastic. You know what else is fantastic? How all the aesthetically-challenged people end up singing the same song in every city. This is clearly not bringing joy to the world in any way, shape or form.
If you're not quite clear on what overcompensation is, Michael Sandecki is doing a great job of vividly demonstrating it. I bet there are a couple of girls in Boston who think that Michael is just the most hilarious person in the world. By the way, I spelled Sandecki correctly without seeing the graphic. Polish Power!
The judges cut Michael a break, so he runs off to the bathroom - or cloakroom, as Simon says - and then comes back. And is somehow worse. But Michael still has his wacky, wacky personality to fall back on. And hey, he did get on TV.
So that's it for the auditions this year. And we're off to Hollywood.