Millions of votes are in and four bags are packed. Tonight's show is going to be an hour, maybe so Seacrest has enough time to work up the gumption to break four little hearts. You know how he loves those kids so!
Actually, I guess I feel a little badly for the people eliminated tonight, mostly because we will never hear from any of them ever again. No? You think I'm exaggerating? Okay, tell me the first four kicked off last season? Right. I thought so. One for me, minus one for you.
Isn't that stage awfully crowded? People are hanging off the edges. Well, luckily, we won't have that problem ever again. Time to start trimming the fat! Brenna, please stop vamping. The camera is only going to be on you for one second.
Wow. How did they move the whole group that quickly? I wish they would've run a split screen there. One side with the credits, one side with the kids running to their second marks and trying to not to step on somebody's heels. Simon has broken out his special robin's egg blue for tonight. And Seacrest has broken out his special white satin pocketsquare. The same one Chris Daughtry wore for his wedding.
Seacrest immediately launches into time kill mode. What a pro! Seacrest then cracks on Simon's sweater, immediately causing me to doubt doing the same earlier. Then Seacrest cracks on Simon's age. For only the tenth time this year. Of course, it's still early.
Oh man, is he serious? A 24-piece singing ensemble? Will anybody get more than four words? What a nightmare this must've been to choreograph. Huh. So I guess David Radford performs like that all the time. Or maybe he just didn't listen to the judges. Chris takes the part after David and the difference is...um...stark, to say the least. There's too much going on here. It's like listening to four CDs at once. And not that experimental Flaming Lips album that has four discs meant to be played at once. And speaking of that, who has four CD players in the same room? Come on, Wayne!
After a break, we go through a melange of the performances from Tuesday and Wednesday. Oh, Bobby, David and Brenna. What are you doing? Ha ha! Brett, who are you kidding with that stare? Following, Ryan reintroduces each contestant. We still have 45 minutes left, so expect to meet everybody at least twice more.
No! Don't talk to Brenna. Talk to anybody else. Muting. Aw! Closed captioning! I can't escape her! Then Ryan and Heather have incredibly awkward first date chatter. Man, that appetizer can't come fast enough. Becky says she can think of a million reasons she will make it and a million reasons she won't. Actually, I can think of one why she will. And a million why she won't.
Ryan finally declares it to be time for some action. Back row gals, stand on up. Ooh! Did Katharine cut her hair? I guess I can find out next week, since nobody from the back section had the lowest number of votes. So who does? Not Heather, Stevie or Melissa. That leaves Kinnik, Becky and Brenna twisting in the wind. I wonder if Brenna will have anything to say about this.
It's the moment of truth for the girls group. That sort of rhymes. Sorta. So girls, what did the judges say about you? Eh, who cares? It only matters what the voters said. And they say Becky can rejoin her sister and their modeling career. Now the traditional singing of the eliminated, a bit I've never understood. I mean, obviously we don't want to hear this person singing any more. That's why the votes ended up like they did.
On to the cuts. If you're in the back row or flanking the front row, you're safe. If your name is Bobby or Jose, you're not. The boys both shaved their mustaches, which were apparently their good luck charms. Wait, wait. Jose didn't actually shave his stache. Just...shrank it, I think. Anyway, no more Bobby Bennett. Becky, then Bobby. B names, look out! B names like...Brenna. Or...actually, I can't think of any more in this year's group. Is there a Beverly up there? Not positive, but I think not. Poor Bobby. He'll never want to shave again.
So Bobby gets one last performance. This shouldn't be too over the top. Well, I guess Bobby has a bright future performing somewhere off- off- off- off-. Now, whether those offs are in front of Broadway or the Vegas Strip, that remains to be seen.
The girls are back in town. Back row is safe once again. Look for every girl to try and stuff themselves in that row next week. Brenna is safe. Nobody claps for her until Ryan tells them to. They must really like her. Kinnikcom, you're safe. Melissa, Ryan has a bunch to say about you. Tension building...building. But she's safe. Down to Stevie and Heather Cox. I'd hate to see Heather go home this early, since she has such a huge crush on me.
And the crush will continue! Stevie is going home. I think Ryan pulled strings behind the scenes because Stevie made him look so short. Poor Stevie. Only on Idol for about seven minutes total this season.
Wow. Show's almost over. Time flies when you've totally drifted off. Okay, time for the second guy to go. Hey! Now the front row is okay. Twisterydoo! Ryan makes the guys line up beside him and all of a sudden it looks like Ryan is out on the town. It's quickly down to Bucky and Patrick. Wait. It's just down to Patrick. Looks like I'll only get to use the adjective aquiline once this year. And I didn't even get to blow-dried!
So Becky, Bobby, Bstevie and Bpatrick are no longer part of American Idol. And in three weeks, you'll have completely forgotten them. I can't believe how heartless you people are. The show is closing with a montage of the fallen four. Do they even have enough footage to use?