Man, last night sure lasted a while, didn't it? Tonight might be even worse, since there's a total lack of eye candy. At least for me. Then again, the guys always contribute the most comedic moments, since there are usually a few guys that are just hilariously ridiculous. I guess I can look forward to that, at least. Okay, I'd better save my typing for the actual show.
And here it is. Hello, I'm Ryan Seacrest. And once again, I'm up in a balcony. Please end your Rapunzel jokes. Clearly you see my hair is not that long. No, I am not currently fantasizing that my hair was that long and luxurious. Will you please focus on American Idol, which is starting now?
Ryan emerges in front of a video of Ryan emerging. In the background of that video, we see Ryan emerging, creating Idol's first ever infinity effect, like when two mirrors face each other. Infinite Seacrest! Finally! Getting out of the world of theoretical imagery, we move into a recap of the girls last night.
Let's hear it for the boys! Let's hear it for the men! A confident, confident bunch, these guys. Lots of cheeseball pointing and winking. Except for Taylor Hicks, who launches into his Ray Charles impersonation once again. Maybe it's just a nervous tic. Randy tells the boys that tonight's the night, and like Betty White, he's chillin'.
First up tonight is the very aquiline Patrick Hall. Patrick is a funny guy. Clearly he was a nerd in high school that gave himself a cool bro makeover once he reached college. It worked pretty well, so now he ratchets it up to eleven. I know the type well. Come to my window! Wow. Interesting choice for a fella. You know, I'm starting to like this balcony. It makes the studio seem like a college bar with live music. Hopefully Chris doesn't spill a drink on somebody on the lower level and start a fight. Patrick, stop pointing at me, Patrick. I'm not coming to your window under any circumstances. Randy thought Patrick was a little nervous tonight and it showed in his performance. Yo. Paula remembers a time when she liked Patrick more than she did tonight. Simon, of course, cuts right to the chase, calling Patrick's performance terrible.
Man, striped suit and plaid shirt for Seacrest tonight. He looks like my TV is going bad. Patrick, who has basically stolen Seacrest's style, stands next to his clothes Idol as Ryan implores people to vote for him.
Next up is David Radford, playing the role of Young Crooner, once immortalized by John Stevens. Immortalized for a lot longer than most of us hoped. David says he's not going to croon tonight. In other words, he's getting away from what he's good at. Savvy first round strategy. Like the Spurs benchin Tim Duncan for their first playoff matchup. What is David doing right now? He moves like a fish in a boat. Oh, David. This is not helping. The girls seem to enjoy it a lot, but um...I'm going to guess that the girls are mostly playing it up for that little red light on top of the cameras. The performance, best described as spastic, mercifully comes to an end. Even Randy tears it up. Paula says her Kitty Pound disagrees with Randy. The girls stand up and bark like little yippy dogs. Okay, first, cats don't sound like that. Second, let's hope that never happens again as long as we live. Somebody needs to remove the coffee from the green room. Simon calls the whole thing a joke, but points out that David is lucky enough to be good looking. If David sticks around until next week, expect a pre-1958 song. In fact, wager a significant amount of money on that prospect.
Seacrest consoles David by telling him that a bunch of other people have messed up at this point too, so at least he's not alone. Interesting angle.
As they sit next to each other, one realizes that Seacrest and Bucky are slightly different people. They have different, um, goals in life. Consider wildly different things to be important. Bucky explains that he usually has trouble remembering the lyrics to his songs. Tonight, he's going to sing "Simple Man", a wonderfully appropriate choice. As David Radford is to John Stevens, Bucky Covington is to Bo Bice. American Idol has officially become a play. No singer doesn't fit into a well-established archetype. Although Bucky already has authentic-looking groupies. That's something. Not too many lyrics to this song. Nice and easy to handle. Seriously, this Kitty Pound thing has got to stop immediately. Randy was okay with the performance. Not Bob Ice level, but fairly cool nonetheless. Paula liked it enough and says Bucky is growing. Even though he's 28. Simon likes Bucky's pure, unbridled rawness. Perhaps he wants to tame that wild buck. Who can say? Actually, probably not, since Simon went on to call Bucky just another bar band frontman. After, Ryan says there's nothing Hollywood about Bucky. And that comes from the world's foremost expert on being Hollywood.
Now we have Will Makar, another young pup. Will is going to sing a Jackson 5 song. Which Brady boy does Will look like? Bobby? Poppa Mike? We'll worry about that later. For now, let's talk about how Will is dressed like a mannequin in an "Urban" store. It's funny how the kids now come to the show already dressing like Idol contestants. Another show standard sticking out this year. Randy admits he was surprised by how Will handled Michael. Paula votes for Will for homecoming king. Ah, it is Bobby Brady. Okay, that's been established. And then Simon hits Will in the nose with a football, calling him an average singer. Luckily, Will has Ryan Sandalwood nearby to help boost his esteem. If you'd like to vote for Will, do it before 10:30, because that's his bedtime.
I refuse to call Jose Sway. It's just not happening. Man, look at Jose right now. Jose is quite the bowling ball. Body and head. Tackle Jose at your own risk! In the audience, Jose's dad tries to clap to the beat. I guess the musicality comes from Mom. Falsetto, white fedora and shoes, velvet jacket. What year is this? Jose looks like Luis Guzman in Boogie Nights. Randy loved the falsetto. Paula loved, loved the falsetto. Simon hated the whole thing, going so far as to call it pimpy, as if that's some sort of insult. Simon, almost no compliment is higher.
Chris Daughtry can stare right through and make you feel like you need to apologize to him. Before the song, Ryan asks Chris for hot Hollywood gossip. Hmm. I can think of some gossip Ryan might be interested in. But we'll save that for another time. Chris is a cowboy. On a steel horse he rides. He's wanted. Wanted dead or alive. Chris gets the broiler backdrop for his performance, and no video backdrop has ever been more appropriate. Randy likens Chris to matchbox 20. Ouch. That's a tough insult to hear. Wait. Randy meant that as a compliment? Oh. Okay. Um...all right. I thought maybe that was the worst thing you could say to a singer, comparing them to matchbox 20. But okay. Paula loved it. Maybe more than Chris' wife, even. Simon is happy that one of the guys was finally good enough to warrant his attention. One last thing. How about Chris' Z beard? Intense!
Kevin. Hey, Kevin. You're on TV now. Heads up! Ryan asks Kevin if he feels extra pressure because he has the tiniest head in the competition. Kevin says he's been listening to Brian McKnight since he was eight years old. So like, two years then? By the way, Kevin is a Jets fans, so at least if he doesn't do well on Idol, he's used to Idol. Now, whereas Chris stood out in an inferno, Kevin seems like he's lost deep underwater. I keep looking for Steve Zissou. Judges? Randy loves Kevin and he loved that. Paula went squish. Her words. Simon pre-apologizes, and then shreds up little Kevin. I'm glad to know I didn't go 0 for 3 on the judges. Kevin's father, who used to play the principal on Head of the Class, smiles proudly at his boy. Girls! Calm down! Your show was last night. You got your attention already.
We're back with the supremely confident and quite deliberate Gedeon. Gedeon has so much faith in his ability that he's willing to misspell his name. He knows he can overcome something so minor. Maybe because he smiles like Steve Harvey. Ged-e-on has pur-pose-ful e-nun-ci-a-tion. Es-pec-i-ally when he is talk-ing a-bout "Shout". Yes, "Shout" is from the '60s. And so are Ken Kesey and acid rock. But this lava lamp background is not cutting it for "Shout." A little bit quieter now. A little bit louder now. Gedeon, quite the showman. Moving, kicking, head snapping, showmanning. This is a guy who's proud of himself. After the song, Gedeon defiantly stares down the judges, daring them to say something negative about his performance. Daring them! Randy didn't say anything bad, but he didn't say anything too good either. Paula loved it. Simon says it was like watching the warm-up for the Chippendales. Now, I'm a pretty worldly guy. Well-read. Up on lots of pop culture references. But I have NO idea what that's supposed to mean. Simon is just handing Ryan a freebie with that one. By the way, interesting factoid. Although most humans have 32 teeth, Gedeon has 56.
Bobby, Ryan and Elliott sit on the couch in order of size. Elliott, representing the underground world of Amish pop, is up next. Hey, this is pretty good. Stevie doesn't usually fit on white guys. But Elliott is pulling it off. Upstairs, Taylor stands arms crossed. Fortunately, Becky O'Donohue gets super into the song, evening things out. Randy says Elliott is the first one of the night. Paula loved it. And Simon think Elliott maybe has the best voice among the males. Ever. And RJ Helton was once on this show. So...short paragraph. But Elliott did everything right. I don't have anything else to say.
Now up, the fabulous Bobby Bennett. Wow. This certainly is fierce. This is going to be another short paragraph. Although not because I can't think of anything to say. In fact, I can think of tons of things of say. I just won't be able to get away with any of them. It is interesting how Bobby is being bombarded with musical notes from deep space, though. Wow. Nice close. Wow. Wow to all of this. You know who else loves Barry Manilow? Clay Aiken. I wonder if Bobby and Clay have anything else in common. I'm going to let the judges take it from here. Randy and Paula mostly dance around tonight's actual performance, finding ways to compliment Bobby for other things. Simon didn't like it at all and assumes Barry Manilow didn't either. After the comments, defense counsel Seacrest tries to get some positive nugget out of Simon. At best, Simon is positive he didn't like Bobby tonight, and now that he thinks about it, doesn't care to take criticism from a mere DJ.
From one pretty boy to another, Ryan sends Brett out to the stage. Yeah, that's right. Brett. If you think I'm going to call this guy, a non-pilot, Ace, read all the recaps this year and see what happens. Perfect hair. Perfect stubble. Brett is ready for a recurring role on a daytime soap. Brett tells us he'll be his father figure, then dramatically sticks his arms out to the side in, um, well, a famous pose. Intriguing. And apropos, I guess. Brett wants to be warm and naked at your side. I'm sure a lot of people find this prospect very exciting. After the song ends, Brett's mind goes blank and all he can do is stare feebly at the camera, breathing in through his mouth. At least I assume that's what happened. I'd hate to find out Brett did that stare intentionally. Randy thinks it's almost unfair to have Brett in the competition. Paula loved it, although she didn't go squish. Simon agrees that Brett is handsome enough to basically coast into the final three at the very least. Brett gives the camera his stare one last time. I feel safe in guessing that's not the same look Jonas Salk had when he was thinking about how to cure polio. But I guess it works on Brett.
I just cracked the fifth page on my doc. Even Bill Simmons keeping a running diary on a Celtics game wouldn't run this long. Lastly, we have Taylor Hicks. How long until he does a Charles or Cocker move in his performance? The over/under is four seconds. I do like Taylor's song choice, however. A great song that we've yet to see on the show. Hmm. No Cocker move. More like Natalie Merchant in that one 10,000 Maniacs video. Up in the balcony, Will Makar souls out like some college kid in a blues bar on spring break. Yeah! This is the best bar ever! All right, there's the Ray Charles we've all been waiting for. Randy says Taylor is completely original. Hmm. Okay. Anyway, Randy loved the performance and so did Paula. She possibly even went squish. Simon? Well, he thinks he was wrong about Taylor. He actually likes him now. And there goes the Ray Charles again. I feel like I'm catching The Blues Brothers on cable right now. Then Taylor and Ryan start dancing. I guess it could get worse.