Hell Week. I don't know where this name came from and I'm pretty sure it only started this year, but I kinda like it. The show should take it all the way, though. Make every singer wear a plain white t-shirt at all times and shave their heads. You have to break them down before you make them superstars! Sure, maybe you get a Vincent D'Onofrio that ices one of the backup singers. But that's a one-in-a-million shot! And it would only increase the buzz!
I think tonight is when these unique individuals have to form junior pop groups. This is always great, because half the groups have a shorter lifespan than Destiny's Child. It's like putting three Diana Rosses in one Supremes. I mean, look, I know being a pop singer requires a sort of...um...independence, let's say, but you can't be social for a day? ONE day? Maybe they're all home-schooled children.
If you're a coal to my diamond, bling bling and shine on. Did you get that? Did you know what the hell it's supposed to mean? No you didn't. Quit lying. Because that right there made no sense.
It's 11pm in downtown LA. The groups are working on their tune and the arguing has already begun. Who paired up these three? Big tall white guy? Which one of these things doesn't belong? Which one of these things is...totally different.
At 2am, the kids get sent back to the hotel. You know what? That is definitely intentional. The show is just pushing buttons at this point, hoping to stir the pot. And friends, this pot has been stirred. Terrell's a fairly serious individual. He knows what he thinks! Terrell makes Billy Corgan look like the consummate team player. Terrell don't do groups! Don't you ever forget that!
Five hours later, the kids are back up. B.F. Skinner would be proud of this experiment. It's amazing that, with about 70 people all doing one thing, there are tons of problems, but not one single person is responsible for any of it. It just happens, y'all! It's not Britney's fault she likes to drive with her baby on the dashboard! It's not Brenna's fault her group doesn't like her. And it's not her group's fault they can't get along with Brenna.
Then we see some people who are getting along with their group mates just fine, thanks. But you know what? It's time to go back to Terrell. Let me tell you, don't finish the ice cream if Terrell was planning on having some. In fact, don't do anything ever unless you have expressed written permission from Terrell.
By the way, with Terrell so concerned about his singing partners, what are the chances he blows his own performance? Being the official historian of American Idol, well familiar with these set ups, I'm going to put the over/under at 150%.
Jeez, quick commercial break. I barely got half my drink down. And I don't waste time! Back at the theaters, the groups get right back to bickering. It's like they never left! Paris Bennett. People like her. Maybe she can reclaim her name from the evil folks that have tarnished it so. Downstairs, Terrell's group is finally together. What are they called? The Ebophonics? The Arbonics? Totally missed that name. Group names. That's another new twist this year.
Paris, you're through to the next round. Now get away from those other girls before they get bad talent on you. Stephanie makes it, but not without being yelled at first. I guess that sorta balances out. Personally, I'd rather make it and not get yelled at, like Paris Bennett, but you takes what you gets.
Time for The Barbonics. Half like to sleep, half like to complain. The group with everything! Sway, were those words? I don't believe those were words. More like sounds. Hmm. One of the singers blew his song. I bet Terrell really lays into him here. Hey, why is Terrell snoring during his song. Oh, Terrell messed up too. Ha ha! Guess he won't be yelling at Sway now. Wait. Oh. I guess being a hypocrite doesn't make Terrell lose any sleep. Staying up complaining about people definitely makes him lose sleep. But not picking apart other people. After tearing into Terrell, the judges cut Grant Wistrom. But everybody else makes it. First he loses the Super Bowl, now this. Tough go.
Kevin Covais. He might never need to shave. I mean, ever, in his entire life. I bet Josh Jordan spends a lot of time on his hair. And listens to Michael Buble the entire time he's gellin'. Who's this other guy? The shoulders of his jacket are too wide and his mock turtleneck is too small. Bad combo. Eh. Whatever. This whole group is fairly interchangeable.
One group practices in the kitchen. Hating the smell of onions, Tyra leaves for another group, The Try Hards. Or is it Tryhards? Tri Hards? Trigh Hards? Tryy Hardz? I'm sure it has some wacky spelling. Topside, the other problem child, Derrell, is now singing. After the song, he shockingly has something to say. Does anybody else think this family takes themselves a touch too seriously? So...did Derrell just quit? I'm glad to know he'll have no problem releasing an album. Good for him! Ha ha ha! Even Terrell thinks Derrell went overboard. Oh man. What a family. Mom and Dad, what have you wrought?
Mandisa. That's a name you just want to shout. Mandisa! Sarah, she's cute. That's about the extent of my commentary on this group. Ooh, Brooke wrote the lyrics on her hand! Minus two points. Although I guess if she held the mic at a certain angle, nobody would ever know. Plus two points!
Molly, the soft, soapy bath mitt. I need to get myself one of these to scrub the old undercarriage.
Man, if you can't even remember the title of your song, you are in serious trouble. Sugarpie honeybun...unce...pice...fee fimes a fady! Beautiful. I wish a brain teaser was part of Hell Week. Then we would see some seriously amusing stuff. Tyra hates her new group more than she hated her old group, so now she's off to the old group. Oh Tyra, perhaps the problem lies within. Eventually you have to like somebody, right? If there's any justice in the world, all six girls that were stuck with Tyra will move on. Ooh. Oh my. There's no justice in the world. Meredith, it's back to being a summer hippie for you. Leah, it's back to being the hottest girl in a small town for you. Try to marry the captain of the football team. I actually thought Meredith and Leah were a great team, since Meredith's hair and Leah's fake tan were the same color. Maybe I'm just a visionary.
Wow. I'm surprised Tyra had something bad to say behind somebody's back. She doesn't seem like that kind of person. In the bathroom, Leah's sister cries that he's not ready. Who's this he? And ready for what?
Ah, more Terrell and Derrell. Ha ha ha! Exemplified being a true American Idol before hitting the stage? Ha ha ha! What does that even mean? The crowd applauds to let the boys back in. Then they applaud Simon saying they don't deserve to be let back in. Very indecisive crowd, like a Tyra audience.
Tyra is done group-hopping for now and actually sings. So objectionable. Ugh. Tyra's teammates cruise through. And so does Tyra. No justice, no peace! So here's yet another group that went through some friction. Brenna! Don't sing angry, girl! After the song, Brenna tries to defend her natural jerkiness by bringing up other jerks. Interesting defense. Nick makes it through, perhaps out of sheer pity. And the girls makes it too, so they squash it. Squash it!
Now the cowboys. They're introduced with a big Brokeback trailer, and Brokeback jokes are now officially soaring in the air over that shark. Look at this group! It's like three businessmen from Atlanta flying up to Wyoming to close a deal, and figuring dressing up like cowboys will help their cause. I mean...just...I mean...
This year is shaping up to be tough. First year, sure, Kelly seemed nice and I was into the hotness of Ryan Starr and Christina Christian. Second year, who didn't like Ruben and Kim Locke? Third year, Fantasia was fun and Jasmine was cute. Last year, Bo cracked me up and Carrie totally wanted me. But this year? It's shaping like the best I can hope for is mildly liking one person and openly loathing the rest. This season could be exhausting.
The cowboys are squeezing in...oh wait. A rehearsal. Terrell and Derrell are called back to the stage. If I was a judge, I would cut Derrell and put Terrell through just out of spite. But Simon, nice guy that he is, keeps them both. Singing cowboys! You know, Garett seems nice enough and is plenty aw shucks, but I'm just not sure he can actually sing that well. Especially if he doesn't know the words. On the plus side, you could serve a Thanksgiving turkey on his belt buckle. Simon is not amused and the boys are not through.
In the hallways, one of the cowboys says something about Idol and America and Americans and I have absolutely no idea what he's getting at. Not only does it make no sense, I'm totally transfixed by his carved up beard. Garett cries. And cries. And cries some more. I'd hate to see him have to put down an old dog.
It's 6:30am. How'd you like to be the cameraman assigned to that shot? "Hey, Joe. We need you down here at 6am tomorrow to shoot the sun coming up over morning traffic." "What? I'll have to leave my place by 5! Can't I shoot the lunch rush and we put a blue filter on it or something?" "Sorry, Joe. You know Idol is all about authenticity. We need you on that overpass by 6:15. And bring a ski jacket. It's supposed to be freezing out there."
This is it for some of the contestants. Big cuts are a comin'. Last night, the contestants were given a list of songs to choose from. Today, Seacrest is wearing a giant watch. There's Taylor Hicks, channeling Belushi channeling Joe Cocker one more time. Then the judges sit down to pick their favorite Polaroids before telling the humans featured in each square. Four rooms. Three judges. Fifty-seven minutes of show gone. A whole lotta nervous people. First room. Adios. Simon says he's sorry, but I suspect that inside, he actually thinks this is hilarious. The most fun he's ever had.
Next room. Hey, hot twin. I'm all for that. This room is good. Happy hot twin. I'm all for that. One contestant giddily approaches Simon and he hugs her with all the enthusiasm of somebody petting a wet dog. Room three. Hey, the twins are separated. Ha ha ha! Only one will make it. Oh, that is awesome. I hope the other quits as a protest. Things are good for room three. Not so good for room four, I imagine. Unless...there's a twist. A twist! Room four is in. At least for one more day. Why is the hot twin wearing a top that looks like a made bed? That's no good on anybody.
So that's it for today. By the end of tomorrow, we'll have our 24. Isn't that exciting? I dunno. You tell me.