From Austin to Boston, and all points between. I loved 'em and leaved 'em, you know what I mean. I've had some good times, and some times that been lean. From Austin to Boston, and all points between. That's a little country ditty I wrote about the Idol audition travels this summer.
Anyway, we move on to Austin. Here's all you need to know about Austin: Stubb's. No other information about the city is important. Stuff about UT, the governor, South by Southwest, whatever. Forget it. Stubb's.
Seacrest, wearing a velvet blazer in the stifling summer heat, tells us that Austin is the live music capital of the world. But will it live up to it's reputation. Well, since Britt Daniel isn't auditioning, it's unlikely. Don't mess with Tejas! See that big round building that looks like your grandma's hat box? That's where UT basketball goes down. Chris Mihm, baby!
Wow, there's a guy wearing a dress in Tejas. That...is...BOLD.. Evel Knievel would be afraid to pull off that stunt. So here's Julian. He wants to be a dancer! A busy dancer! Julian can do a full split in cowboy boots. Man. So many things I'd like to say here. But instead, I'll just have to think them. Julian Blade thinks he's a good singer. I wonder if he also thinks...ah, forget it. Julian tells us all to keep following our dreams. Apparently Julian's dreams are stored at the bottom of that escalator.
Curtis Mayfield, good. Arthur Mayfield, bad. Real bad. Donnell Brown sang with a ventriloquist's voice, but he had no puppet. Perhaps he lost it. I'm Paula Goodspeed, I'm from LA. Paula says she goes to entertainment school. Entertainment school! Kids, there's no such thing! If somebody in the LA bus station asks if you want to enroll in their entertainment school, save yourself the hundred bucks. Paula looks like Ryan Starr will in 20 more years, assuming she spends eight hours in the sun every day. Let me tell you something, you don't learn that kind of singing in entertainment school. Something like that is just pure instinct. But here's the good news. Paula's eyeshadow, lipstick and clothes all match.
Anyway, back to the singing, which is still terrible. I mean, really terrible.
Hey! Did you see that guy collapse flat on the ground in the black and white montage?! That happened right in front of me! That was my shin! I finally made the show! Yes! Oh, Mom is getting a call tonight. Jason embalms people for a living. While we're sort of on the topic, let me say that Six Feet Under is one of the most unbearably pretentious shows of all time. Okay, back to Idol.
Jason is going to sing "You Raise Me Up" as a shout out to the Austin zombies. This is great. Jason can remove all of your blood and replace it with formaldehyde, then sing "Danny Boy" at your wake. He's the total package. Jason makes it to Hollywood, and even if he bombs out of Idol, he can at least help bury a few celebrities.
Next up is Cierra, dressed for a funeral. A sexy funeral. Draped in black mesh, Cierra is going to sing a Christmas song. And it is bad. Maybe the electronic dog collar she's wearing delivered an untimely shock that threw off her performance. Then we see a bunch of people get cut. Including a frat dude in a pink shirt who gets so mad that he punches a wall. Very un-frat like behavior, broseph.
Welcome back to Stubb's, Tejas. Allison almost died in a plane crash on her way to Tejas. Allison tells us that she had to decide if she should call her Mom or Dad from the plane and recommends that we all go through that at least once in our lives. Unless you already know which parent you like better. Then you can save yourself the trouble. Still rattled from her flight, Allison struggles with her song. The judges kindly give her 30 minutes to go outside, relax and figure out who to call.
The live music capital of the world is still short on singers. It's okay. There's a place for instrumental acts like Sonic Youth too. Um...I'm Jeffrey, I'm going to be the next American Idol because...um...uh...sorry, dude. My brain is totally shut off right now. We had a mixer last night with the Kappas and I'm still recovering.
Hey, here's somebody who can sing. Ricky. And he's a music major. So he can read the sheet music on the tour bus! What a leg up! Ashley Jackson is from the megalopolis of Dallas and she's a human mannequin, basically. She describes herself as confident. Sorta. And she's a bad singer. Sorta. Looks like it's back to maintaining her figure within 1/16th of an inch for a living. Wait. Not yet. She made it to Hollywood. After the judges said they didn't like her singing. Well, that's a new twist for Season Five, I guess.
Ronnie. RJ. Whatever he's called, I'm already sick of him and he's only been on the air for three seconds. Wow. So smug. He makes me look like I suffer from an image problem. Maybe they're widowed! Wow. He's like Will Ferrell in Wedding Crashers! Except, not funny or interesting. Ronnie's future wife, you have my sympathy well in advance. I advise you to hire a private investigator immediately and have Ronnie tailed at all times. Ronnie makes it through to the next round, which is certain to help his modesty.
So here's Randy. And here's Randy. This has got to be the weirdest feeling for both of them. Give Kevin the electric Journey bass and heads will absolutely explode. Kevin doesn't make the next round, but maybe he can sell his beercaps of the world outback hat.
Okay, Allison is back for her second fly by. Geez, that is some kind of enunciation. So that's it for Allison. The only question is whether she'll fly back home or bus it. Here's 16-year old William. He looks kinda like Luke Walton. Or maybe Adam Brody's less-telegenic brother. And he's through. What does Ryan's shirt say? Modern metal? Okay, sir.
Wait. Is that a velvet overcoat? Not a blazer. Gosh. So much velvet. And so much hair from Tessie. I like how Tessie emphasizes physical fitness with her hair, braiding the front into two climbing ropes. Gym class is important, kids! Ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no pants red enough. Tessie is absolutely brimming with confidence. And absolutely devoid of talent. Tessie barges out of the audition room, life permanently changed for the worse.
Only twelve people from Austin made it to the next round. But Ryan got a chance to demonstrate his penchant for physical comedy, so it wasn't all bad.
So that's it for this week. I hope you enjoyed it, because it might be the last one of the year. If Pittsburgh loses Sunday, I'll probably die of a broken heart. And if they win, I'll be delerious until December 31st. One for the thumb!