I just want to point out right up front that this week and next week is traditionally when we see our first surprising elimination. I also would like to point out that I'm embarrassed to know so much about Idol history. One day, I'm going to be on I Love the '00s, very seriously discussing Idol like Stephen Ambrose discusses D-Day. "Now, the elimination of Tamyra was a watershed moment with a long-term, two-pronged effect. For one, it led to the rise of the pink-haired girl, a show staple for the first three seasons. Second, it paved the way for the elimination of Jennifer Hudson and Constantine at similar points. Somewhat ironically, Tamyra, Jennifer and Constantine all went on to see some success in Hollywood following their eliminations, which is why some Idol scholars actually argue that being voted off in the fourth or fifth spot is the more desirable than second or third. I, of course, somewhat agree with view, albeit with some caveats, and not nearly as strongly as renowned message boards poster B-Idol856 believes it. Of course, he developed the Verarros Corollary, so everything he postulates needs to be taken with a healthy serving of sodium chloride." Then Joel Stein would come on after me and make a bad joke about Michael Jackson before mentioning he had a sitcom once.

Last night was all about romance. Tonight, Taylor has shifty eyes as we start the show. He's up to something! Looking good, gang! Gosh, thanks, Ryan! I like looking good. I try my best, you know? Then Ryan introduces the judges, but not without taking a shot at one of them. The middle one, without naming specifics. Then Simon apologizes to Katharine for last night's appraisal, 23 hours after the voting lines closed.

Then we get a summary of last night. It must be so difficult for Ryan to always be the responsible, composed one. He carries such a heavy sack of burden! Like I do, missing playoff hockey for Idol. I'm going to miss seeing Carolina blow an entire great season.

Anyway, here are David Foster and Andrea Bocelli. Only one of them will be singing. At least I hope. Oh, this is nice. All those Jersey housewives are crying in their zin right now. After the song, they're going to go down into the basement where their husband fell asleep watching sports, corn chip crumbs spread all over his ample gut. Then they'll hug the big, hairy oafs, who will, of course, get mad that their wives woke them just for some stupid hug. "What is wrong with you, Carol? I was sleeping! Why are you crying? Did the dog finally die?" And she'll just keep crying and saying, "I love you, Richie. What's wrong with you?" Then they'll have a big fight. It'll be just like that. I know exactly how Jersey works.

Hey, Lisa Tucker. Remember when we kicked you off Idol? It was during the results portion, which is starting right now. Katharine, the judges were split on you last night, but they all liked you tonight. Anyway, you start Group A tonight. Which will the first of three groups that are all short one person. Elliott, you stay away from Kathy by going to Group B. Which won't exist until you get there. A real Neil Armstrong you are! Kellie, Group C. That's the third letter of the alphabet, just so you know. Paris, you join Kellie. Girl power! Taylor, keep taking yourself too seriously as you walk over to Group B. That leaves Chris to join Kathy. For once, I would like to be Chris Daughtry.

So which group are we going to split up here? Or is it just a bottom two thing tonight? I dunno. But I do know that Elliott and Taylor are both safe right now. After a break, Katharine and Chris are quickly told they're safe. So girls, who will it be? It will be Kellie Pickler. Well, now she can go back home to North Carolina and finish up that masters degree she's been working on.