Tonight is really going to be interesting. We have songs written in another language that require a classically trained voice to perform. I wonder how this is going to go. I'm not saying Andrea Bocelli doesn't make nice, accessible music. Heck, Bocelli is what Jersey housewives listen to when they want to feel cultured. They put it on, read The Da Vinci Code and suddenly they're classics scholars. I'm just saying I can't picture any of the Idols performing it themselves.
Seriously, will the backdrop for every performance be the Vegas fountains? They can put that on that giant plasma, can't they? Chubby people in t-shirts and cargo shorts love those fountains! And the show is off! Ryan has so much starch in his shirt collar that the thing might break away and walk home on its own. That thing is stiff, baby!
Oh, hey. It's uh...um...she was on the show this year...um...Stevie! Stevie Scott! Good to know she's not slinging hash at a truck stop diner just yet. Wait, wait, wait. It's not just Bocelli? It's love songs as advised by Bocelli? But Jersey housewives were so looking forward to this show! They cracked open their most elegant-looking bottle of white zinfandel for the special occasion!
So David Foster is also helping them? Will the absolute gems of his stepsons be pitching in as well? Perhaps by teaching the Idols which Hollywood hotspots to hit after the show? By the way, interesting factoid. Andrea Bocelli is the second blind singer to work with the Idols this year. Just file that away for when you play Idol Trivia next year.
Katharine is singing Whitney tonight, eh? Hmm. Let's hope she doesn't have to put as much effort into hitting the big notes as she did during her rehearsal. Because David Foster will get mad if she does! Well, look at that. Kathy's hair magically grew a foot in a week. The rapid growth probably explains the curls as well. I wonder if after each show, Kathy, Ryan and the judges have a teeth off to see who has the whitest, straightest choppers. That fivesome is like the Enamel Olympics. Is she singing? I can't really hear anything right now because I'm too busy staring. I shut down my ears in order to divert power to my eyes, because I want to absorb everything this dress has to offer. Good thing too, I guess, since Randy thinks the song was too big for Kathy. Interestingly, that seemed to be the case during her rehearsal as well. I'm surprised she didn't end up diverting to another song. Live and learn. Paula tries to find something good to say and takes a long time to do so. Simon bluntly informs Kathy that she's not as good as Whitney Houston.
Ryan and Elliott look like two businessmen enjoying a fully-expensed dinner. Should we have an $800 bottle of wine? Sure! The partners won't mind! You bring $10 million in revenue into this company! So which, uh...entertainment venue should we hit after dinner? Anyway, Elliott is going to sing some Donnie Hathaway, a man universally adored by every Idol contestant ever. Seriously. They love this guy. Love him, the opposite of what David Foster is feeling for Elliott right now. Okay, now this is singing. This kid can blow, to use a Randyism. By the way, Donnie Hathaway and Anne Hathaway? Not related. But Elliott admires both of them. In fact, The Princess Diaries 2 is one of his favorite sequels. But when he told me that, he instructed me to keep it secret. So don't ask him about it, please. Randy hated the arrangement, but loved Elliott. I don't know what that music talk means, but I think it's good. Paula is crying. Bloggers and gossip wags are typing up a storm right now. Predators! Simon thought it was superb, although he wasn't moved to tears. Come to think of it, I wonder what would move Simon to tears.
Boy, Kellie's accent is extra strong this week. How long until she chews a piece of straw during a song? Gee, she's so modest! So self-effacing! And so real! So American! Randy thinks Kellie never got the song on track. Paula was not moved to tears by this performance. Rather, she was moved to sighing. Simon thinks once it got past the eight second mark, it was too long. And he thought it was too robotic. See? The eyes! I knew I was on to something. The Oscar band plays Simon offstage and Ryan gives out the numbers.
Paris is going to sing some Barbra Streisand. I have some thoughts on Barbra. A few opinions. But I think I'll just keep them to myself. Those Jersey housefraus should be halfway through that white zin by now, and a Barbra crack might send them into an emailing frenzy. Paris' hair is gloriously feathered in an Erik Estrada tribute. Anyway, none of the judges were crazy about her performance tonight.
I guess Taylor won't be doing much dancing tonight. It's probably for the best since he dances like a newborn colt taking its first steps. Is this Taylor's second Michael McDonald song of the season? He's ready to perform in dental waiting rooms across the country! Do you think Bo Bice is mad that Taylor is using his a cappella spotlight tonight? Even if he's just using it once? Tori Spelling! I'll again keep my thoughts to myself. I tell you what, there's a great recap in my brain this week. Too bad you people will never see it! Randy was not digging Taylor tonight. James Taylor! Not Mike McD. Well, he can still perform in waiting rooms. Paula kinda liked it, but Simon thinks he could find the same or better in an airport hotel near Lambert Field.
Does Nickelback do any love songs? Creed? Aw, come on, Chris. If you're going to bring Bryan Adams to the show, make it "Summer of '69". Not the theme from Zorro. Hmm. Well, will Chris perform this number laying down on the stage? Ha! Thanks for that advice, David Foster. If Chris delivers the performance of his life, he'll do amazing. Duly noted. And if I come in first place, I'll win! Ooh! Maybe after the show Chris' and Ryan's collars will have a starch off. First collar to develop a crease loses. Has Chris every really, really loved a woman? Randy finally found something he likes tonight. Paula really found something she liked. Simon thought it was a great performance. Apparently the bonus side pocket on Chris' jacket helped out a lot.
We got it in! Hooray!