As Ryan welcomes us to the show, somebody in the audience holds up a big orange sign that reads, "ZACH". Um, there's no Zach on the show. And I don't think there ever has been. Not even a Zac or a Zack or Zaque.

It's the night we all dread, right? Hello? Hello? Is anybody there? I asked you a question. Ryan moves right past the audience's snub and greets the judges. Hello, judges. I remember you guys.

Hmm. You know what? This might end up being the shortest recap of all time. Figure there's footage of last night, which I already talked about. Then a Rod Stewart performance, which I can't talk about. Then results, which maybe I don't want to talk about.

Tell you what, if it looks like it's going to run short, I'll spend a page and a half explaining in detail why I keep calling Ace by his given name, Brett, no matter how many times people email me to ask why.

Anyway, here's Rod Stewart, wearing the shiniest suit in the history of the universe. This is what everybody will wear in the future. Ha! Dig this performance. I think Rod is incapable of taking anything seriously. Good for him. So only eleven minutes left. I should start writing a transcript of the show so this recap won't fit on a Post-It. Andrea Bocelli next week? Okay. Is each performance going to be done on the sidewalk outside a large Las Vegas casino as tourists gawk at the fountains?

Let's worry about that later. For now, let's focus on splitting the kids into two groups. Elliott, you found Group A. Group A, est. 2006. Chris you go to Group B. Also est. 2006. Paris, you seem like a Group B type. Okay, Pickler! Group A for you. Brett, it's Group B for you. Kathy, Group A for you. So Taylor will join the safe group, we must assume. See?

So now that you're safe, let's have some fun with you. You tell us who you think are the bottom three by standing next to them. Now, Idol has pulled this move before. In fact, I think they tried it on Bo Bice. But Bo Bice, being bad, simply strolled over to the stage and stood smack dab in the middle, endorsing neither group as losers. It was a super cool move.

But there's only one Bo Bice. You know, maybe Taylor hates somebody in one of those groups and wants to give them a negative endorsement. I guess we'll find out in a minute. Wow. What just happened there? I...I'm not even going to try and analyze it.

That leaves Brett, Chris and Paris in the bottom three. Wait. Just Chris and Brett. So who's leaving? Brett Young. Finally, the emails can stop! But don't feel too bad for Brett. There's about a 196% chance he's hosting a show on TV next year. It's just the perfect match.