So what did you guys do this weekend? Anything cool? I had a pretty good time. First, I was Carrie's date for the County Music Awards. It's not really my scene, but I finally caved in to Carrie's repeated demands that we do something together. She looked hot and all, but after the fifth Foxworthy joke about teeth, I was ready to blow that joint.
Anyway, tonight features the music of Queen, the official band of sporting events. I insist that they wrote songs solely intended to fire up the hometown fans, although others insist they were more artistic than that. On another note, we still have eight finalists remaining. Can you even name eight Queen songs? Let's see...there's...um...We Are The Champions, We Will Rock You, Bohemian Rhapsody...uh... well, I'm sure they'll be fine.
The real question, though, is which male contestant will have the guts to sport a bushy handlebar mustache in a full tribute to Freddie? I say Chris. Although I think Brett is the most likely to don one of Freddie's most fabulous outfits. Leather pants, a white t-shirt and a sailor's cap.
I thought for a second there Ryan had put on his first-ever three-piece suit. But no, just a sweater. It's been chilly out here lately and Ryan doesn't have a ton of facial hair keeping him warm this week. Is Fantasia crying? The show just started! Hey, Randy. What up?! What up?!
First up tonight is Bucky. Whereas a few weeks ago he figured he'd never meet Stevie Wonder in his local wood-paneled tavern, he thinks he'd totally run into Queen there. I'm assuming that's also the standard he used when voting for president. Oh, those fat bottomed girls. You know how they make the rocking world go round. I love this song. It just makes me laugh every single time. Especially when you think that some couple somewhere (possibly Rockingham, NC) considers this to be their song. So it's a pretty good performance for Bucky to kick things off. Randy liked it. Paula liked how Bucky stayed true to himself. But Simon only thought it was mediocre. Of course, he's into really skinny chicks. Ryan asks Bucky how he thought it went, and I have to admit that I have no idea what Bucky said. Something about Freddie Mercury and catfish, I think. Bucky should stop storing the microphone in his mouth between songs. Then we could understand what he's saying.
Ha ha! Brett is wearing leather pants! Oh my! And I think a crystal around his neck. I wonder if he's going to strip off his shirt during the song. Well, that's an interesting pre-song piece. Brett asking Queen to rearrange the song they've been performing for almost 30 years. That is...courageous. And more than a little shocking to Queen. Get on your feet people! It's a power play late in the third period and we're down a goal! Come on!!!!!!! And then it's over. Hmm. That was...that was kinda bland for an upbeat song. The other team just scored a shortie to ice the game. Now all we can do is shuffle out of the rink in silence. Randy just wasn't feeling this one. Paula is amused that Brett asked Queen to redo their song. Simon thought the whole thing was a mess. Glad I'm not the only one. Brett tells Ryan that he thinks he rocked. Leather pants can give a man unbridled confidence, it seems.
Here's Kellie, wearing the jacket that goes with Brett's pants. Actually, I think she's wearing the rest of the outfit too. She could dump her bike at 80 on the freeway and not get a scratch. Her matching black eyeliner wouldn't even smudge. Huh. You know, I can see how Kellie is trying to be very bold and dramatic with this performance. But it just seems so contrived and planned. There's no real emotion here. Plus, she kinda looks like Ashlee Simpson right now. But you know what? Randy was entertained and so was Paula. Simon thinks some people will find it horrendous, but he himself liked it. Kellie, baffled by the arcane phrase, "On paper", just giggles.
Now we have Chris, but no handlebar mustache. Bit of a letdown. Chris is taking on a song that even Queen doesn't perform live. A little odd. What's more interesting here? The jeweled fleur de lis on Chris' t-shirt or the fact that he borrowed Kellie's eyeliner? Sorry, did I say interesting? I mean frightening. This is...this is the first man to ever wear makeup on Idol. We have gone past the point of no return. Well, this song is certainly angry. Maybe Queen doesn't do it live because they don't want to make their audience all tense. Randy gives Chris a little fake out before admitting he loved the song. Paula can't believe how good Chris is. Simon tells Chris that it was a great performance, but the song choice was severely lacking. No innuendo in that critique. Not even a double entendre.
What's going on with Kathy's shirt? Highlander! This is a big song. It deserves more than the 1950 flight attendant's uniform that Kathy's wearing. Randy thought it could've been a little better, but it was fine overall. I'll stand behind Randy and nod along. Paula thought it was a big, glorious effort. Simon thinks it was very, very close to being outstanding, although it was still good.
E Double on the box? If only I could've been driving at 4:13am some Tuesday and heard that live on my radio. Elliott will be using the special extra-large microphone tonight. This is great. He started off this song with wide eyes and a look of surprise. Midway through, he went to squinty eyes and a fierce look. And now he's closing with bubbly eyes and a jolly look. What range! Randy compliments Elliott on taking on one of the toughest songs of the night and doing a good job with it. Paula declares it to be the best vocal of the evening. Simon echoes Randy and thinks that Elliott pulled it off.
Taylor, wearing two of the ugliest shirts in history in his pre-song piece, is singing A Crazy Little Thing Called Love. Mainly so he can dance. Even though he can't really dance. He can only spasm. Ha ha ha! Kick, whiff. Kick, whiff. Come on, Taylor. The mic stand ain't moving on you. This is a one kick job here. Finally! Third time's a charm, I guess. Who knew kicking over the mic stand required rehearsal? Then it's down the stairs for Taylor. Then up the stairs. Then down again. Then up on to the riser. Then he steps on a power source on the stage and twitches involuntarily. Love is crazy little thing indeed. Randy was happy to see the old Taylor and so was Paula. Simon thought the whole thing was ridiculous. Really? Which part? I mean, we didn't even get to his fur blazer.
Paris is going to wrap up tonight's extravaganza. She um...she borrowed Kellie's pants and boots, is that it? I know she got those gloves from a homeless guy. I'm starting to think Paris is singing to us from some dystopian future. She's warning us about what will happen if we let the Independent Robot Nation develop nuclear arms. But also optimistically reminding us that the show, our show, Earth, must go on. It's bleak but uplifting, all at once. And then it's over. Randy and Paula were quite fond of it. Simon thought it was weird. Maybe Paris' extensions threw him off.