You know, I just realized that I should've saved yesterday's introduction for this column. This is really the bigger night. I mean, the show is two hours! You don't make a show two hours unless you have a very, very, very good reason. So anyways, here we go.
I'm expecting tonight's show to be really fun and enjoyable. Just a big party celebrating another season of Idol. I don't think we'll be put through anything too annoying or unenjoyable. Oh. Wait. Never mind. Here's Mikalah right at the top of the show. AYNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! That's the ringing I hear in my ears whenever she talks. So that's who Marg Helgenberger is? I should watch CBS occasionally. Man, Mikalah fishes for compliments even more frequently than I do. And I do it constantly.
Then Seacrest takes us through a review of this season. Here are the auditions. And here's a guy headbutting the wall in a rage. Now here's the Hollywood round. And here's Mikalah again. This is shaping up to be a loooooooooong two hours. Now here are the finalists. Here's that one show that got messed up. Here's when Constantine got cut, and then he smirked.
No, this entire recap won't be three pages of "Now here's..." Calm down, people! It's still early! Now here's Seacrest backstage with Bo Bice in his dressing room. Oh, who didn't see that coming. The most confusing thing about this piece is the poster in the background. It reads "Alabama" with a big red X on it. Does that mean "No more Alabama" or "Alabama X". I'm going to have to ask Bo about that some day.
We see two interesting things in the crowd in Birmingham. One is a sign reading "Bead Biz Bo." I know Alabama's education system isn't the nation's strongest, but seriously. What is that? Here's another question. Where does Bo Bice Day in Birmingham fall on the calendar is relation to Ruben Studdard Day? Perhaps it's like Lincoln's and Washington's birthdays, and people just get one day off for President's Day. In Birmingham, schools and businesses are closed on Idol Day -- the last Monday in May each year.
Onstage, Bo Bice rocks out "Vehicle." There's going to be music tonight, too? Wow! This show has everything! Seacrest, in the interest of appearing fair and balanced, then heads over to Carrie's dressing room. She's all dressed, so don't get too excited. That country shirt is hot. Hot-cha-cha! So which former Idol superstar will be reporting live from Oklahoma? Ooooooooooooooklahoma! Why, it's former University of Washington Huskie Matt Rogers! He's going to ask Oklahoma's First Lady a quick question real quick. And that question is, why is Matt's shirt exploding through his blazer?
Now here's Carrie singing. Geez, that's a big note to top off her song. That ramen hair is giving her special singing powers. Before the next break, Seacrest promises us the shocking truth about Simon Cowell. Oh, that's not going to be good. Speaking of not good, I will dive in front of a speeding bus before I watch The Dukes of Hazzard movie. And I'd still watch that before Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.
Okay, back to the show! Ryan drops in on Randy Jackson. Randy Jack. Randy J. R Jack. Randy thinks Carrie scored a late fourth quarter TD last night to take the lead. A sports metaphor, if you will. Since they're in private, Ryan and Randy gossip about their co-stars, Simon and Paula. It's just like any office in America! And now Ryan is with Paula. That's not how you gossip! You don't involve the person you're talking about. It gets too messy.
After another break, Ryan, who is really making the rounds tonight, visits with Simon. They bicker like a couple of real cute guys. Simon suggests that Matt become Ryan's co-host next year, twisting the knife in my back just a touch. Ryan, who seems to be a little territorial, doesn't like the idea. The boys then send it back to Alabama with a few technical difficulties. First, it takes a little bit to get the video running. Then some little country shaver asks Simon why he uses reverse psychology on Bo. Ryan translates Southern for Simon. He tries to answer, but everybody in Alabama is too sweaty and tipsy to pay attention. Just a normal Wednesday night in Birmingham.
Let's go out to Oklahoma and see if we can save this. Man, Matt's watch is the size of my head. But there's a puppy. That's pretty good. Since things are so emotional right now, let's look at the top three emotional moments from this season. Well, there's Regina, who pawned her wedding rings so she could travel to Idol, then got bumped early. I wonder if she got those things out of hock yet. Or what about Mark, who masculinely rammed himself into a wall in anger, then femininely shrieked "Dammit!"? All very enjoyable.
Now Leandra Jackson is going to sing the National Anthem. Ouch. She is putting a lot of emotion into it, though. However, that may be more bad than good. Then the barn doors open and Leandra new haircut, new dress and all comes out to finish off the song. Congratulations, Leandra. You've just experienced the biggest moment of your life. And look how happy she looks. Aw.
But this show isn't about live remotes or stunt casting or red carpet shenanigans. It's about music! And Bo and Carrie apparently being in love. And...leather pants? Oh, Bo. What are you doing? After the song, Ryan gives Carrie and Bo a new car. Well, I mean, Ford gave them away. Seacrest didn't pay for them or anything. Still, it's nice to get a free car right before possibly winning a million dollars. Freebies and gift bags? They're celebrities already! Then another tease about the big Simon revelation. This had better be good.
After another small pause, we're then treated to the ten worst singers from this season. And it's quite a collection of not goodness. And a whole lotta crunk. Yeahhhhh! Hall. Oates. Hall & Oates. Oates & Hall. Adam. Dirk. Adam & Dirk. Dirk & Adam. So many great duos in the house tonight. What I admire most of Dirk and Adam is that they're still outgoing. They haven't been completely beaten down by the world. And for that, I salute them. While we're at it, let's salute Mitch Baywatch himself, David ****** Hasselhoff! Hello, Michael. Everybody says Hasselhoff is huge in Germany, but not too many people know that Dirk is absolutely enormous in Malta.
Now we're finally going to learn the shocking truth about Simon. Okay, here we go! This is going to be very exciting. Five minutes and fifty-one seconds later, we learn that Simon loves himself. All right then. Seacrest is going to be at a NASCAR race? Wow. Somebody please get me a video of that.
Now here's a musical super medley with the Idols performing with their own idols. At least the ones that were available. Wait. Let me get this straight. Anthony and Anwar could've selected almost anybody in the musical universe and they went with Kenny G? He's their idol? Okay, you can draw your own conclusions about that. By the way, this is Anwar's second wildly different hairstyle in two nights.
Will everybody please let Constantine know they believe he's really rock and not just faking it? If we do, maybe he won't try so hard in the future. Although Nadia is trying even harder. Fine! We believe you. You're rock. You don't have to be so in our faces about it already. By the way, if you attend an Idol concert this summer, there's a 190% chance you will see Constantine, Jessica and Nadia "rocking out." Good luck!
We've waited and waited and waited. Weeks and weeks. Hours and hours tonight alone. And now... results are on deck. Your winner, after 500 million votes for the season, is...Carrie Underwood! Huh. I have to admit, I actually didn't see that coming. Although it looks like Carrie didn't either.
So that's that. Another season that we've successfully endured. I mean, enjoyed. Enjoyed! As for me, I'll be posting one last email column, then signing off until next season. Maybe head down South America way, see what life holds for me.
Oh. But we have one more huge announcement before we go! The first (and only) "Annual Jaded Journalist Catchphrase Contest and Competition In Order To Find A Catchphrase For The Jaded Journalist Sweepstakes" has ended. As with the Idol show there, your votes have selected the winner!
And, now and forever, I'll be signing off with... It's good to be jaded. I don't particularly like it, but this is a democracy, and sometimes elections don't go your way.
It's good to be jaded!