July 4, 1776. June 6, 1944. Tonight. Three of the biggest nights in American history. Do you understand the consequences of tonight? You might say you do, but do you truly? Why, after this week, a new record album will be released! That's something that only happens every Tuesday. This is huge!
Don't believe me? No? Fine, let's wait for Seacrest to set the tone. Well, that wasn't that dramatic. But there are a lot of people there. And he is wearing all black. That's pretty dramatic. Just trust me, tonight is huge.
The barn doors, having been shipped across town, open up and Seacrest trots out to kick things off. You know, the last person to host a huge broadcast at the Kodak Theatre was Chris Rock. So, uh, you decide what I'm trying to say there. Ryan then introduces the judges. Do you think Randy felt silly when he saw that Simon was wearing a blazer tonight. Aw, dog, you didn't tell me we were getting dressed up! I thought we were treating this like a normal night! Man! Why you doin' this to me?
Then Seacrest shows us the official coin toss to decide who goes first. Interestingly, that Bo/Carrie coin is actual legal US tender. And look at Hollywood Bo Bice wearing sunglasses at ALL TIMES now. So, so awesome! And now it's time for the big coin toss...ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That was awesome! The funniest thing Seacrest ever did by about ten miles. Too bad it wasn't on purpose. Didn't Mr. Seacrest ever play catch in the backyard with his boy? Geez.
So Bo Bice is up first tonight and he's starting it off slow. I assume he's saving his best for the third performance tonight, when he goes all rock and performs in front of two cannons that shoot sparks into the air during the entire song. Like KISS times 100. Here's a question. Do you think Bo Bice has three pairs of sunglasses for tonight, or just one lucky pair? It's a long, long road! Five whole months to become a millionaire? Such a long, long road. Randy calls tonight the most important show ever. At home, Guarini cries. He also thinks Bo Bice saved a weak performance at the end there. Were Simon's jacket and mock supposed to match exactly? Or were they supposed to be off just enough to drive us all crazy? Who can say? Simon thinks Bo SERIOUSLY needs to step it up after that performance. Look for Bo Bice to explode on his second performance. Explode, I say!
Back from a break, Ryan tells us that we shouldn't worry if we missed Bo Bice's first song, because he has two more coming up. But seriously, who starts watching TV at 8:14. Top of the hour, people! So Carrie Underwood. Can you not disappoint everybody with your first song tonight? Can you take a 1-0 lead in the bottom of the first? I actually bugged her with these questions backstage and she said yes, so we'll see. Carrie wants to be inside my heaven. My heaven includes Carrie, so I think we might be able to work this out. Judges? Is Carrie in your heaven right now? Eh. Sorta. More yes than no. I do know this. They should start consulting the judges on these sappy winner ballads, because the judges never like them.
Next up, Bo Bice. Again. At least, he was billed as Bo Bice. This man isn't wearing sunglasses, so it might be some sort of imposter. Dang! Who's the Hawaiian dude on trumpet? I wonder if Bo Bice will take his own horn section on the Idol tour this summer. I don't see why he wouldn't. Man, Bo is really Wooderson right now. Watch the leather, man. The judges, of course they all love Wooderson. The older he gets, these high school girls stay the same age. I told you Bo Bice would bounce back in his second performance! I can just picture him backstage in between performances yelling at himself in the mirror like 8 Mile. You only get one chance! You cannot blow this!
Did Anwar cut his hair? Is that Anwar? And where's Nikko's hat? What? These kids aren't on TV anymore, so they don't need easily identifiable trademarks? Pfft. Okay, Carrie's back. God, I hate new country. That was quick. Was that a full song? That was like a sample track. Randy and Paula loved it, though. Good things come in small packages, a lesser writer might say. Simon, however, scores this round to Bo Bice. Possibly to keep things interesting for the third round. I mean, if Carrie goes up 2-0, we could basically call the last 25 minutes off, right?
By the way, where's Ray Romano tonight? Or...uh...Amy Yasbeck. Or...Tori Spelling. Why isn't this audience packed with celebrities? They lend the show cred! So now Bo Bice is back and apparently he's being punished for a past transgression, because he's singing the same ballad Carrie did earlier. What? They're doing this for fairness? Because it'll be the first single released by the winner? Sure. Well, I guess this answers the question about whether or not Bo's first album will be interesting. It won't, because it's the same album Carrie would've done if she had won. Super. God, this song is bland. Can't they give Bo something a little more Bice-worthy? And what's with that dinner jacket? Where's Bo Bice?! But forget about me. Randy and Paula loved it. Simon too. I'm starting to think that maybe I don't know anything about music. Ah, I know what I like.
Before the break, we learn an important lesson. Bo Bice can sound cool calling people cats. Our host, however, cannot. Just saying. Okay, this is pretty much it for the year. One last song. Well, I mean, that doesn't count the finale send off tomorrow night. The last song before the last voting? How's that? I know how you folks like to be exact.
All right, Carrie's back. But ladies, the simple black cocktail dress never goes away! So Carrie's voice is pleasant enough. Nothing objectionable. But this song is just so, so, so, so bland. There's absolutely nothing to it. It just is. So middle of the road pop, anybody could perform it, the lyrics are childish. The whole thing. Eh. Ooh! Is that Brandy?! Anyway, again, what do I know? The judges loved it and the audience went wild, so maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the jerk.
So there's all the singing. Now we have a polite little summary of the entire season. I'll just let that stand for itself. So many memories! That we'll have forgotten by October. But still! As of right now, they're cherished memories. George Huff! Oh, Lord! Before we go, Randy proclaims this to have been the best season ever. Third straight season for that proclamation! Paula says both Bo and Carrie have a long career in front of them, the same promise that was made to Justin and Diana DeGarmo. Wonder how that turned out for them.