Is anything more romantic than watching eight dudes sing love songs? Sure. Ten dudes singing loves songs. But David and Joseph I almost had to look those names up ruined that dream for us by getting cut last week, so we'll have to make do with what we have. Anthony! Anwar! Bo! Constantine ! Uh...Mario! Nikko ! Scott ! One more...one more...Travis! Those eight men will sing for us tonight. Wednesday, two of them will go home. The circle of life continues unabated on the savannah.
"Coming to you live! My hand, sassily on my hand! Do I not look authoritative? Do I not look in command? Tremble before me, as I control this stage!" Ryan tells us about last week, then displays the wanted posters of Joseph, David, Celena and Aloha. Remember when they existed on video? Those were the days. Incidentally, with Celena down, Nadia is looking more and more like my crush of the year, although the official decision won't be made until the finals. I want to make sure I hitch my wagon to a winner.
Ryan turns things over to the judges and Simon immediately scoffs at the Joseph/Melinda defense of lack of air time. Simon loves those editors and deftly points out that some people aren't likeable even with tons of TV time. Then we move on to the contestants. And...I must've missed something on the trip, because I have no idea why we need to know that Scott Savol is a Taurus. For the record, I'm a Virgo. Taurus must be the dancing sign, judging from Scott actually putting some motion into his performance tonight. He's making the most of his air time. The judges compliment Scott for being such an unabashed Taurus and having some actual fun with his performance. By judges, of course, I mean not Simon, who didn't like seeing the big man bounce. Scott puts his horns down and bull-charges right into Simon's side, telling him to go back to England . Or something. So very taurine!
Before his song, Reggae Bo Bice warns us not to mess with a scorpion or you'll get stung. I miss the graphic, but I'll have to assume that much like Mike D of the Beastie Boys, Bo Bice is a Scorpio. So remember, friends, whenever camping in the desert, always check your boots for scorpions and Bo Bice before sticking your foot in. You wouldn't want a nasty bite! Bo Bice sings his song, but since it's not Allman Brothers, I'm only half listening. I'm too busy mentally attaching turquoise jewelry, silver buckles and fringe to his suede jacket. The judges enjoyed Bo Bice getting away from Southern fried rock for a night and Simon, perhaps fearing a scorpion bite between the toes, says it's Bo Bice's competition to lose. Ryan asks Bo why he slowed it down tonight and Bo Bice says he promised his uncle that he would.
Anthony is another Taurus. But he's the only singer from mighty, mighty Ukraine. Just Ukraine. Not The Ukraine. Say it wrong and risk Russian rage. Anthony also dances to his song, confirming that Tauruses love to dance. Are we enjoying this traditional Ukrainian dance song? It's been sung at Uke weddings for centuries during the traditional Tossing of the Pierogies at the New Couple. See, the pierogies represent prosperity and luck, and Ukrainians wants to shower the newlyweds with such blessing. Paula and Randy loved Anthony's performance, and we must assume that they also loved that he tie-dyed 1/8 th of his jacket. Simon, however, thinks Anthony is too nice to dance around on stage. But he's a Taurus! Taureses must dance! It's in the stars! Simon must be a...whatever sign doesn't like dancing. Um...Baptist, I think.
Next up is Nikko Smith, yet another Taurus. So what are we learning tonight? Well, unless your birthday is between April 20 and May 20, you don't need to bother with auditioning for Idol 5. You don't have a chance. Nikko 's performance is interesting because it fulfills one stereotype Nikko needs his hat while turning another one Tauruses must dance! upside down. But maybe Nikko doesn't need his hat, as he deftly uses the mic stand as a hat rack and turns it out. Somebody's been working on choreography! The judges love the effort. Should we expect an Ozzie Smith back flip from Nikko to celebrate? No. Afterwards, Ryan asks how a St. Louisian can dare sing "Georgia On My Mind." Nikko spends a few seconds trying to figure out whether or not this is a serious question, then just smiles and says, "I'm from St. Louis ." Ryan, we're all Americans here. Jasmine didn't have to sing "Tiny Bubbles" every week, did she? Of course she did not.
After a break, it's time for that renowned Aries, Travis Tucker to sing. Travis is singing a Bobby Brown song, which lends itself to all sorts of comedic possibilities, none of which I can discuss here. Perhaps I can focus on Travis' outfit then. "Extra! Extra! I'm dressed like a 1930s newsboy and I'm singing on American Idol. Now I'm beatboxing! There goes my hat! Extra! Read all about it!" Travis wraps up his song and brings a smile to Michael Bivens' face. Randy liked the performance but not the singing, which...hmm. I actually don't know what to make of that. Paula loved it all, stressing that Travis is unique to the competition. The only Aries, perhaps. Simon says it was appalling.
Mario is a Gemini, which means...actually, I don't know what any astrological signs mean. Not even my own Virgo sign, although it probably means something about being really awesome. Or something about being incredibly insecure and pathologically desperate to be liked. Mario, offers up a ballad to the crowd, which represents the Gemini duality of his hair and New York City. All the ladies in the crowd say ho! The judges, they liked it. Although Simon started off his critique by calling Mario "Aaron," then stamping his ticket for the final 12. One out of two isn't terrible.
After a pleasant little break, we're treated to another Virgo -- Constantine Maroulis. Apparently, Virgos are very hard on themselves and expect great things. Which may explain why I cringe whenever I watch those interviews back. Constantine really likes to point at that roaming camera whenever he performs. So Virgo! Hey, remember when Sting broke up The Police because he thought he was too big for them? That was magic, magic, magic! Randy likes Constantine's star potential, Paula likes him as much as she likes the giant rings on her fingers and Simon says he did a bad impression of Sting. Paula counters by saying that Constantine doesn't even sound like Sting, which... seemingly validates Simon's critique. Maybe Constantine (is there a short nickname for that, by the way, as Mike is to Michael? Con? Const? Tine? No?) should cap off the night by fighting Stewart Copeland backstage. Simon accuses Paula and Randy of losing the plot, which is British for, "We're looking for singers, not charismatic actor types!"
Lastly, we have yet another Taurus, Anwar Robinson. Cancer, Leo, Libra, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius, Pisces, perhaps you're represented on another show like The Starlet, but there's no place for your starry arrangements on Idol! Sorry, I should be talking about Anwar. Inside every coffee house in America right now is somebody dressed like Anwar, probably clicking away on a laptop. Although they're probably not singing this well. Randy and Paula give it a standing ovation. Simon stays sitting, but still loves it. So a good night for Anwar, and if he gets called off on an emergency crab fishing expedition, he's already dressed for it. Can't beat that!
Let's hear it for the boy(s)! Let's hear it for the man(s)! That's how Shinecrest should've signed off. But we can't all be quick on our feet, I guess. And, after a brief hiatus for a tune up...Seacrest! Out!...has returned! Huzzah! Now we all know the show is over!