If you've heard the news that's been sweeping Hollywood this week, I'll just say that it wasn't my foot. It was, however, my boot. It's a whole sordid mess and I'm hoping my team of legal eagles can have the whole thing cleared up by tax day. In the meanwhile, I'm stuck with a single left boot and a cancelled hiking date.
Six guys, four girls. That's ten. I'm smart! After a quick ride up to the penthouse, Elevator Girl walks through the lime green sieve and we are underway. The game show doors open to reveal a not-so-chipper this year Ryan wearing another mysterious shirt. I'm starting to wonder if these shirts are a series of clues in a murder mystery...
Ryan hangs out with the kids away from the show! They're one big happy family! Tonight's theme is songs from the '90s, a fine decade in which I graduated both high school and college. First up is Bo Bice, who will sing a tune from that seed of the Allmans, the Black Crowes. They ask Bo Bice to share some memories of the '90s and he claims he can't remember back that far. Maybe he thought they were asking about the 1890s. Wearing a hat from the Chris Robinson/Huggy Bear joint design collection, Bo Bice takes the stage, only to once again leave the stage the first chance he gets. Bo Bice is really starting to dress like the country guy whose first album just went huge, so he's trying to be a little more flamboyant. Cowskin cowboy hats, velvet shirts, suede pants, the works. Bo Bice is going Hollywood! Two more weeks and he'll be wearing those big fly eye sunglasses and a suede vest with no shirt underneath. Randy and Paula loved the performance, but Simon knocks it down a little bit. Are those sweat stains on Bo Bice's shirt, or is it supposed to be black there? Or is the velvet grain running in the opposite direction, creating a weird lighting effect? Only Bo Bice knows!
We come back from a break and Ryan seems genuinely surprised that Simon isn't rolling at his attempt at a joke. See?! Because Simon always wears t-shirts! Jessica Sierra is next and she's going to tackle some LeAnn Rimes, which I would actually like to do myself. For different purposes, but still. The big question I have about Jessica right now is how she's able to get her lapels to both lay flat and stand up. That is a steaming miracle. Also, who dipped the back of Jessica's hair in ink? Randy and Paula were just okay with the song, basically summing up the entire Rimes oeuvre. Simon calls Jessica a bad person. In not so many words. He said it differently, but it's all the same.
Anwar tells a story about how he was going to sing for Clinton until his float broke down. They couldn't walk? I'm guessing there's more to this story, possibly involving the State Department. For his song, Anwar has decided he doesn't even need the stage. He wants to be among his peeps! Oh, there he goes. Eh, I think I'm above all of that stuff. Unlike, say, Leno. This song is okay, but I think I'd rather watch the Chappelle parody of R. Kelly. Just a golden moment. Anwar starts to tear up at his own singing, which is either incredibly touching or unbelievably self-absorbed. I'll have to take it up with the committee to find out which. Randy was just okay with the effort, but Paula found it to be the finest rendition she ever heard. Simon thinks it was only half a song. Ryan calls "I Believe I Can Fly" one of the great songs of the '90s, perhaps offering us an inadvertent look into his CD collection. Perhaps telling us that it's about the same as our mother's. Any Enya in there? I say yes!
Nadia, did you go grunge? Did you go gangsta rap? Gangsta! Do you think he's a wanksta? Is that a gold canteen on Nadia's waist. No, wait, it's just a giant buckle. I mean, enormous. But even more interesting are the earrings that look like two burned-out light bulb filaments. Summoning the soul of Nikki McKibbon, Nadia turns out a song that we've heard on every season of Idol. Randy offers Nadia a backhanded compliment. Not Ike Turner style, but still. Paula liked it and Simon was very Simon about it all.
Constantine loved the '90s, man. He had his Camaro, he had his Alice in Chains, he had some chicks. Memories, man. This is what it's all about, you know? Of course, tonight Constantine is going 480 light years away from grunge. I mean, the hair and face scruff are pretty grunge. But this song is pretty...not grunge. Whatever the opposite of grunge is. You know, looking at the guy in the audience with Constantine's family, I think I'll stop criticizing him now. Randy tells Costas that he sees right through Connie's rock facade to the shy theatre nerd inside of him and you know what? Randy likes it, man! Simon thinks Constantine outclassed Bo Bice, making one wonder if we should spin those two off into their own show. Detroit Rock Idol, maybe. Or, uh, Heat Vision and Jack.
Nikko talks about defining moments of the '90s. You know, come to think of it, I'm having a tough time coming up with one. Let's see if I stumble onto something before the end of the show. Iron cross belt, painted leather cycle jacket, ripped jeans, big ring, airbrushed t-shirt. Somebody took Nikko to Hot Topic this week! Man, this sounds like a New Edition song from 10 years after they broke up. Which reminds me of something. I love New Edition. Here's a question for you: you think Tevin Campbell is jealous of Usher? Like he complains that he was Usher eight years before Usher and nobody cared? Nikko wraps up a song pretty similar to every other song he's performed on the show and Randy loved it. Paula? Loved it. Simon? Sorta liked it. Or maybe he didn't. He insists it was a compliment, so there you go.
Anthony's biggest moment in the '90s was coming to America and I think Anthony coming to America might be my biggest moment too. Man, I've really done nothing with my life. Anthony's dress tonight is fairly conservative, except for the Thanksgiving turkey platter he has for a belt buckle. He makes up for the safe dress by belting out his song as hard as he possibly can. Randy was okay with it, Paula wasn't crazy about it and Simon struggles to find something nice to say. He fails in his quest. Ryan tries to cheer Anthony up by touching him, and I start to notice that Anthony's shirt has double buttons. That thing must take forever to put on.
Carrie tells a story about her dad cleaning his shotgun before a date of hers. That's some Oklahoma stuff. Now she's living in LA and wearing purple eye-shadow. You've come a long way, baby! Carrie, and Martina McBride, we must assume, are both for freedom. That's nice. It's nice that they're against random lockups and stuff like that. Randy loved Carrie's song and I'm sure many people out there loved Carrie's sequined scarf. And everybody loves freedom! Simon, once again, basically hands the competition to Carrie.
Ryan again calls my boy Savol Scotty the Body, which I'm still finding almost impossible to believe. It's that really the best we can do? It's 2005! Scott's biggest memory from the '90s is working at a rib shack, which is almost pleasingly modest and simple or crushingly depressing. Again, I must consult the committee. You know what is definitely depressing though? Singing in front of the entire nation and having your voice crack. Yowch. At least he didn't throw off his glasses in anger this week. The judges, they were not easy on Scott.
Before sending us into the break, Ryan tells us that Vonzell is going to bring back Right Said Fred, and I'm guessing she's not going to sing "Deeply Dipply." And yes, I had to actually look up another Right Said Fred song besides "I'm Too Sexy." Vonzell will knock you back, boy! Wait! What is this? I KNOW I heard Seacrest say Right Said Fred. Didn't I? Did I? Now I don't know if I did, but I know this isn't them. Or him. Them. But this is nice. We hardly ever get any Whitney on this show. And I like her candy necklace earrings. Tasty and sexy! And ladies, the simple black cocktail dress is a must in all closets! Fellas, the tangerine suit with matching bowler is a must in all of your closets, too! Randy loved it, Paula really loved it and Simon...loved it! One of the rare trifectas tonight!
Only one way to top that. With another glorious...Seacrest! Out!