Oh, I'm so out of sorts tonight. I'm never funny on Thursday. Everybody knows that. Tuesday and Wednesday are my best nights. Luckily, that coincides with most Idol broadcasts. I'm really going to have to fake my way through this thing tonight.
It's been a controversial week. But that didn't stop us from making the kids stand in the dark again. I don't know what it is, but we just love doing that. Knocks em down a peg, you know?! Up front there oughta always be a man in black. And tonight, there is. Black is very slimming, friends, and Ryan seems as slight as ever up there tonight.
Our boy kicks off a summary of this week's festivities, as seen from the revolutionary "Back of the stage" cam. So that's what the Idols see! You know, it was a tough week, but not so tough that we can't wrap it up with a...group performance! Of..."He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother"? Seriously? The show starts off with a nice rock, rock, Oklahoma kick. I wonder if they going to give each singer one line and they'll just keep snaking back and forth down the line.? And isn't Carrie's ramen hair nice tonight?
Tiny Idols! Just to avoid speculation, I'll state that the random businessman having breakfast there definitely isn't me. I heard I was the DJ in the last Ford spot, but no, no. The show is still leaving this vast well untapped, friends. Afraid I'll outshine the show, probably.
Time for some results. Nikko Smith, you're not wearing a hat. One of your friends in the audience has a partial Mohawk. Still, you're safe. Constantine, Connie, Costas, C-money, you're safe! Carrie, Simon declared that you'll be the best-selling Idol ever.
I'm assuming you're safe. And...yep. Out in the audience, somebody flashes an awesome sign. It has Carrie's name on it, a snowglobe and the word luck. If you don't get that stirring message, why, you're simply un-American.
Bo Bice, you're just fine. Nadia, I'm afraid that you're in the bottom three. Too much hair, perhaps. Jessica Sierra, we need you to dye your hair pink this year for consistency's sake. You're safe, so please look into that for next week. Mikalah. You're in the bottom three. Scott Savol. I admire your shapely triangle beard. That had to have taken at least three mirrors. America admires your smooth carving and you are safe. Anwar. Vonzell. Anthony. You three are on the hook until after the break. But only one of you is wearing a super cool Starsky and Hutch tan leather jacket. Rock on!
And we're back! And Anthony is in trouble! After talking to the judges about who they like, Ryan sends Anthony back to base. Red leader heading back to base! It's down to Nadia who's smiling hopefully, trying to be optimistic and Mikalah who's outright sneering at this point. "You voters! How dare you do this to me?!" So who will it be? Who will it be, indeed? Mikalah? Nadia? Mikadia? Nadalah? Nope, just Mikalah.
Here come the tears! From...Jessica? Baby, you're fine. Carrie, what's going on here? You're both safe! Mikalah thanks everybody for everything and proclaims that this is just the beginning. Why is this reminding me of the end of the "Miss Fran Drescher" contest?