Um, hi. How are you? You're expecting some results tonight, aren't you? Well, maybe we gave up results shows for Lent and only had a few days left to actually fulfill that pledge. Or maybe, you know, we all make mistakes. You may accidentally break a coffee mug at home. Or you may make a mistake that 50 million people notice. Just one of those things, you know?
Anyway, let's focus on the now. Top 11 week has always been one of my favorites. Eleven is an underrated number, I think,. Aside from the finale, this is quite possibly the most important week of the entire show! And I am demonstrating an appropriate amount of enthusiasm!
Stay tuned for an unprecedented American Idol. And let's all hope this one doesn't set a precedent for future episodes. A lone fan in the audience at the start bravely begs the show to not fire the phone numbers guy. Whether that's a direct relative or not, who can say? That leads into a summary of last night's show, which Ryan feels was one of the best episodes of all time. After that wraps up nicely, Ryan deftly explains just how everything will work. Basically, forget about last night. Except for the songs. Remember those. Just forget that you voted. If Ryan had a memory eraser right now, he would probably use it. Then Ryan congratulates everybody who text voted, and they will be receiving a refund from the phone company.
Anthony, wearing the same size t-shirt Ryan wore last night too small watches a clip of his performance last night. Remember, they were singing Billboard #1s. Yes, remember that. Just forget the voting. Might we expect some Adam Ant? Did he climb high enough on the charts in 1983? Speaking of the 80s, Anthony Fedorov kicks off the show with a tune that's billed as being from 1987 and really does in fact sound like it. Ah, 80s synth pop. How I did not miss you so. Randy and Paula loved Anthony's performance. They even loved the frayed edges of his jacket. Simon, however, prefers a bespoke look. And, perhaps providing us all with some slight relief, does not find Anthony to be sexy. Back in real time (Wednesday), Ryan and Simon remember seasons past with some jokes about each other's...um...preference.
Next up is Carrie Underwood, also singing a tune from 1987. I guess that's considered an oldie to most of these kids anyway. Sticking with the theme, Carrie sports Nancy Wilson's hair from 1987. By the way, how long until Reese Witherspoon sues Carrie for stealing her face? The judges, huge Heart fans all, absolutely adored Carrie's song. They think it's a matter of when, not if. Simon even thinks Carrie will sell more records than any other previous Idol. Even Alexis?! Wow! Dream big, girl! Back in real time again, we all mentally congratulate Carrie for wearing a very pretty Amish dress. So conservative and classy!
Another thing from last night that Ryan would probably like you to forget, besides the voting, of course, is when he called Scott Savol "Scotty the Body." Oh. Hmm. Seems like he just said it again right there. Maybe...he's proud of it or something. Like some other weird catchphrase. Anyway, Scott is going to take it way, way back...to 1984. Did Scott forget to use the loo before his song? He seems awfully fidgeting. But he is really getting into this song. Snapping his head all over, moving his arms. Ho! There goes his hat! Ho! There goes his sunglasses! Let's all hope this song ends before he loses his velour tracksuit. (NOTE: I made that joke right before Simon did. So, technically, I'm still the best.) Paula and Randy liked Scott well enough, but Simon wasn't thrilled.
Did the Allmans ever reach #1? Bo Bice is going to have to stretch! And he's going to slow it down for everybody tonight. Way down. I'm just glad that guy on accompanying guitar isn't Carlos Santana. So sick of that guy. Bo Bice, a sensitive poet with the shirt, a sensitive poet with the song. Randy gave Bo Bice a non comment, Paula liked him and Simon thought Bo Bice is already an old pro. By the way, for what it's worth, Tehachapi loves Bo Bice! At least, according to a sign in the audience last night. I don't know if the city council passed an official resolution or anything. Credit to Bo Bice, incidentally, for wearing a double-breasted jacket, something you almost never see these days. Ryan asks Bo Bice if he might cut his hair this season, but Bo Bice seems pretty happy with his long locks. No word on whether he might shave that landing strip on his chin.
Nikko Smith decided to take it not all that far back to 2000. Count Nikko is going to tackle some Sisqo, friends. I wonder if next week he'll perform Blackalicious' "Deception", where they tore Sisqo up. Nikko, following Scott's noble lead, is also shedding his clothes during the song. There goes the overcoat one would wear to the opera. There goes the fedora. The judges liked Nikko's song, including Simon, who got a second kiss from Paula after another positive comment. It's almost Pavlovian at this point. Let's see how far he pushes this. Over on the barstools after the song, Ryan told Nikko that he broke down the law with that one. Or something. Umm...I don't believe that is actual slang. But points for trying! Maybe if Ryan runs into Usher at some sushi joint this weekend, Usher can get him up to date. Or maybe Usher will mess with our guy and tell him everybody is saying something like "Nuked the juke for sure" these days.
Now we have Vonzell" Solomon. Gosh, the kids have really discovered that riser in front of the crowd, haven't they? The whole departing the stage thing is losing a little bit of its magic, isn't it? Starting to feel a little contrived perhaps? So the question is, who will be the singer to blow people's minds and shimmy up into the rafter and sing from there, like the Phantom of the Opera? Paula and Randy loved Vonzell and Simon thinks she finally showed up.
Next up is Costas Maroulis, another nickname for Constantine that I stole from the old email bag. By next season, I might not even be writing this column. I may just clip and paste message board and email fodder. Connie is going to rock out some Partridge Family and if you don't believe he's really rock, I ask you to check out that scarf from the Steven Tyler collection. If that's not enough for you, look at how he holds that microphone in is upside down hand like a Parisian would hold a cigarette. That's so rock! Randy wasn't quite sure what to make of the whole thing, Paula loved it and Simon thought it deserved an awkward metaphor to describe it. I don't know if they'll be saving that last line for any talking dolls. Back to tonight, is Constantine wearing white pants? Maybe he had a croquet match before the show. Lot of white on the stage tonight. Of course, it is officially spring, I guess.
Nadia Turner singing Cyndi Lauper. Finally, my dream has come true! Na...Nadia? Oh, baby, what happened to your hair. Aww, what did you do? We would know this song is Cyndi Lauper. You don't have to visually indicate it. And when is Captain Lou Albano coming out to hug you? Is he even still alive? Would he not do that because you're not singing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"? Captain Lou! Randy and Paula liked it, but Simon wasn't so sure. No, I haven't gotten sick of writing that after four seasons. Simon disliked it so much he resorted to the whole cruise ship bit. You know who I bet is definitely voting for Nadia this week? Grace Jones. And the entire cast of The Road Warrior. Thankfully, it wasn't as humid today and Nadia's hair has returned to normal.
After a break, a young girl in the crowd holds up a sign asking, "Constantine will you marry me?" Baby, you're a little too young. By like 14 years. He's not Jerry Lee Lewis! Back to the tape. What is that thing on the front of Mikalah's dress? It looks like a folded napkin from a nice restaurant. By the way, ladies, always try to match your eyebrows to your dress for that extra classy look! Feeling inspired by Taylor Dayne, Mikalah angrily accuses the camera of something. At least I assume that's why she was pointing at it like that. The judges were a little iffy on Mikalah's performance. Mikalah's t-shirt boasts that "My job is too annoy you." Does that refer to the shirt annoying us because it's too short to reach her jeans, or does it refer to Mikalah herself annoying us with her constant "Barbra Drescher" impersonation? So many questions.
Chaka Khan! Chaka Khan! Chaka, Chaka Khan! Anwar takes the stage and it's like we're living in 1983 all over again. And there he goes to the riser. Let's just tear that thing down already. Judging from Paula doing the roll behind Anwar, I'm guessing she's going to have some good things to say about this effort. Randy wasn't blown away by it, though. And Simon felt like it could've been better. Like it was a pretty good sauce, but not an amazing one. Or something. In live time, Ryan asks Anwar how he liked watching back his performance, and Anwar raves that he enjoyed "wholistically" looking at himself. Did he mean holistically or wholly? I'll be thinking about that one for awhile.
Lastly tonight, we have Jessica Sierra all up in our grills and stuff. Trying on the giant shoes of Nikki McKibbin, Jessica is about to experience a total eclipse of the heart. Can I take this opportunity to ask what the deal is with this dress/blouse the chicks are wearing lately? What is it? Are jeans the only acceptable thing to wear under it? When will it be disappearing? And then the song is over. Randy liked the song, and he wasn't even wearing a Jessica Sierra t-shirt! The other two judges their names are Paula and Simon, if you don't remember- liked it as well.
So that's that. We needed an extra show this week, but I'm seeing the silver lining. One more show means one more...Seacrest! Out