Leah LaBelle. Vanessa Olivarez. Jim Verraros. Who will join that legendary pantheon tonight by becoming the first Idol finalist eliminated this season? And will those four singers join forces to create a group called Twelfth Best? The answers to these questions are, in order, I'll tell you in a half hour and I sure hope so.
"It's Wednesday night. Which means only one thing. I'm going to be hosting the show from the audience tonight." With that, we are officially underway. The contestants stand in a police lineup, then Elevator Girl walks out under the green pasta strainer and then Ryan proudly shows off his cranberry t-shirt. Man, he's so skinny you can see his spine running down the middle of that thing.
He then tells us we got 30 million votes last night, the most we've had without a finale.. Then he coyly hints at the week's big news, the thing everybody's been asking him about. The...judges, silly! Duh! After a jaunty little recap of last night's proceedings, Ryan introduces a group performance that's dedicated to charity. Now all we need is something tragic to happen that we can raise money for. By the way, if Daniel Radcliffe dyes his hair blond in two years, he'll be perfect for the role of Anthony Fedorov in American Idol: The Movie. You know, we don't need to raise money for charity. Just play this inspirational song for anybody who's down on their luck and they'll immediately feel better! Hey! Mt. St. Smooth is in the crowd tonight! Um...I don't really have anything to add to that beyond yep, there he is.
It's clobberin' time! Ryan is looking for the three lowest vote-getters. Presumably so he can hug them and talk about how great they did in rehearsals. Constantine, you're just so fine. And oh so fine, according to the ladies! Nadia, I love you, even if I don't have to say it. The judges love you too and so does the audience. You're fine. Real fine, baby. Anthony Potter. The judges did not like you and the magic spell you tried to put on them had no effect. But you're still safe. Lesson...not learned, I suppose. Lindsey Cardinale. Look at your choppers. Actually, come to center stage so we can look at them a little better. Bo Bice. Does Bo Bice brush his hair 100 times like Marcia Brady to keep it looking so good? Whatever he does, it worked, because he's safe.
Carrie Underwood. You look pained right now, darlin'. She is really grimacing right now. I guess she doesn't like to hear...good news! She's safe. Scott Savol. You're wearing Russell Simmons' clothes tonight. And for that, you are safe. Mikalah. Only one of the moles on your face is real. As a punishment for your cosmetic trickery, please come stand next to Lindsey. Anwar. The Professor. You're safe. Jessica. Nikko. Vonzell. A 2/3rds majority of you are just fine. Why, that's enough to pass a bill in the Senate! Anyway, Jessica rounds out the bottom three. The completely impartial audience boos lustily.
Lindsey, Mikalah and Jessica. Which one will become the next Jim Verarros? Actually, this would be three straight years that a chick went out first. Sort of like how at least one 12 seed beats a 5 every year. Like, say, New Mexico! Or even ODU. Or even, dare I say, Wisconsin-Milwaukee. Anyway, back to Idol. Ryan has some time to fill, so he asks Simon about audience votes. Simon says people vote for good singers and not for bad ones. Huh. That is some kind of insight. Then the governor calls and Jessica gets a reprieve. The audience does not boo.
So it's down to Mikalah and Lindsey. Ryan tells Mikalah he has some bad news for her. She has to wait three minutes. Shocked, she launches into her impression of a duck. I guess she's never seen the show before. And...we're back. Which is something we won't be able to say about Lindsey Cardinale next week. So, she didn't win. But she did get to sing for Gene Simmons, which only about 1000 other chicks can claim they've done.