From New Orleans last night to Las Vegas tonight. Two cities packed with decent, conservative people who just want to work at their office job and have rigatoni for dinner. Soccer practice on the weekends, and maybe a Ben Stiller movie at night to keep things nice and quiet and predictable. People in these simple towns don't like calling attention to themselves. So maybe American Idol can finally loosen them up, yeah?
Ryan opens the show from the top deck of the Palms Casino. I'm sure they had to drag him over there, because we all know how Ryan hates a pretty, celebrity scene. Anything hip, he's against. The contestants then welcome us to Vegas by shouting out random towns, none of which are Vegas. Okay then.
You know, when I think Vegas, I think of two things. Shrimp cocktail and Kenny Loggins' beard. Everybody cut, everybody cut, cut Footloose! First up in Vegas is Mikalah Gordon, who says she's very nervous. And she looks very, very nervous. Wait. What?! 16?! Get out of here!. We'll be beautiful best friends! Oh, the singing? The judges liked it. Now we all need to learn how to spell Mikalah correctly.
So what do my amazing powers tell me about Jeffrey Gray? He has no chance. Although his impression of Bob Dylan doing an impression of Neil Diamond is awesome. And he seems like a super nice guy, despite the fact that he has a stare like a hypnotist. But let's see what happens. Hmm. Well, I'm 2 for 2 today! Maybe he can get a gig as a Kelsey Grammer impersonator at the Rio. Frasier! Live onstage!
Jeffrey is followed up by a guy in the tallest cowboy hat ever, a male cheerleader (just like our President!), and guy whose high-pitched voice isn't sweet, as his t-shirt promised. Then there's a girl who apparently was so popular with her fellow auditioners, they ripped her clothes into shreds just trying to get a piece of her. That brings us to Amanda Avila, who is wearing maybe the most egotistical shirt of all time. Amanda has great experience climbing a ship's mast and diving into water, which is exactly what Kelly Clarkson brought into this contest three years ago. Hey, is Kenny Loggins wearing clothes from the future? What are those lines all about? Didn't George Jetson have those on his white shirt?
Ryan then introduces Christopher Tamura, who works the front desk at a casino. You bet big and get comped big like Kenny Rogers? Then you need to know Christopher! Seacrest wonders what kind of "reception" Christopher will get, reminding us all why he's still the king! Speaking of which, Christopher bombs out on his Elvis song. Hey, I can get into this transition game too, folks!
Now we have a breaking development! The end of twins forever! Rich Molfetta left his brother J.P. at home so he could break into the superstar game by himself. Look, there's no place for loyalty in Hollywood, okay? Deal with it. The question is, if Rich gets rejected a second time, will J.P. feel psychic pain back in New York? Will he be eating a sandwich or something and suddenly think, "Man, I feel so bad about myself right now for some reason. Oh no...Richie's in trouble!" Well, that question will have to wait until the year 2876 when we have a better understanding psychic energy, because Rich is on the next round. And J.P. is off to a life of living in his brother's giant shadow. Because he is not the wind beneath Rich's wings.
You know what I don't like? Schtick. Keep it real, son! Know what I'm sayin'? I'm talking about you, Emily Neves. Don't hide your true self behind some false, peppy, interesting identity. Be you, baby! Put yourself out there on the line! So Emily the happy puppy finally makes her way into the audition room with her Beckham faux-hawk and we all anxiously wait for the singing to start. And then we all anxiously wait for the singing to stop. At least you'll always have the pep, Emily. Man, can you imagine if she and Seacrest were a couple? That would be the chattiest dinner date in the history of the world. Maybe we'll find out one day, because Emily is moving on! Bouncing on to the next round, actually.
But you know who's hiding their true self more than Emily? Or me, even? Joseph Land. Who, if he's actually 28, has spent eight hours a day in the sun every day of his life. Here's a little tip. Don't ever play poker with Joseph. Because this guy can lie without blinking. Although having a chance to sit across the table from that majestically feathered hair would be worth any money you lost.
Then Seacrest takes us on a magical history tour, bringing back amazing singers from Idol's past. Or their brothers, at least. Desi Yazzie, whose names means "Cannot Carry Tune" in Navajo, comes out and proves that musical ability does not necessarily run in the Yazzie nation. But Desi isn't nearly as fun as Natasha Robinson, who raises our hopes that Sister Act 3 will one day finally make it to the big screen. Come on, Whoopi! We're all waiting!
Then we have Randall Jason, who is singing...a classic piece of literature, it seems. Whatever this song is, I'm guessing it's three hours long. Sadly, the judges only let him finish the opening sentence. Paula, desperate to hear how the story turns out, yells at Simon for interrupting Randall's tale just as it was getting good. Randall segues into Valentin Zamarripa, who I really, really, really hope is wearing a wig. Oh. He is. Good, then.
After the judges treat themselves to a cooling off period, Sarah Woodall comes in. I know what you're thinking. Next up is Sharon Galvez, who, if you can believe it by looking at her, is a cocktail waitress. Maybe she can earn a few tips out of this audition. Sharon makes it on to the next round,. But Sharon can...double down on her future. Wink! See, I can do this. It's not that hard.
Matthew Falber, who loves the bright lights of the Great White Way, is next. Why not just wear a t-shirt that reads, "I'm a theatre major"? Man, I hate Broadway. So Matthew was surprised by his rejection. But surely professional psychic Bobie May will see it coming, right? I mean, it's not like she needs Idol, right? She can just win Powerball once a month. Well, after creating a rhinestone shortage in Vegas which is enough for the governor to declare a state of emergency Bobie heads on into her audition. Bobie says she's 22, which surprises Simon. Maybe because she looks 42. Bobie doesn't even have a good speaking voice. Now, I can't peer into the future or anything I can sorta bend spoons from across the room, but nothing fancy but I'm pretty sure this will not turn out well. Well, what do you know? Perhaps I have a portal into the immediate future after all. Bobie's mom explains that her daughter was just thrown off by the number 10 popping into her mind. Ah, those psychics always have an excuse.
Things pick up a little with Jennifer Todd, who does laundry for a living. Sorry, she's a homemaker. Now, we're all in agreement that Jennifer doesn't have the typical pop body. Heck, Kenny Loggins compares her to Ruben. I'm no ladies man, but I don't think women take that as a compliment. But Jennifer does indeed move onto the next round. Finally, something inspirational comes out of Las Vegas.
Closing things out is Mario Vazquez, who...um...is nice. Boy, I'm really running out of steam here. We're only four recaps into the new season! We're going to need some sort of stunt or something to maintain interest. Jaded! Out...of ideas.