Hey, did you hear that nearly 66 million people watched American Idol last week? If you're one of those 66 million, congratulations on going with the flow. If you weren't, what's your problem? Don't you want to be doing what everybody else is doing? This is America, son! On another note, if you're one of the 500 people who read the recaps last week, I'm very, very sorry.
This week, Idol moves on to New Orleans, where it's excessively hot and most of the town stinks like garbage. Trust me, I was there. In fact, the humidity is so bad, I'll be amazed if Gleemcrest's hair doesn't simply melt and he's bald by the end of the show. Ryan opens up this week's show and the hair holds up for the first five seconds. By the way, the statue in the background? It has something to do with the Battle of New Orleans in the War of 1812. And be thankful for that guy on the horse, because without him, we'd probably be run by the British. Now let's see what sharp things Simon will say on our version of Pop Idol today.
Don't forget the Superdome, where the Saints of football play. New Orleans! Ryan introduces this week's guest judge, Gene Simmons. I, for one, am surprised to see him doing this, since KISS usually isn't interested in publicity or money. First up is David Brown, who is immediately asked by Gene why he would bother doing this. Way to set the tone! Existential questions aside, the judges love David.
So how will the very dramatic Bobby Barfoot fare? Well, the glitter on the shirt is a good start. But the yodeling is a bad finish. Here's a tip for future auditioners. Yodeling NEVER works. Ouch. So Bobby Failfoot has to head back to...the land of bad hair and glitter shirts. Which is... Dallas, I believe.
We come back from a break and Daron Beck triumphantly enters our lives. Darren hails from Texas, and I'm guessing the 10-gallon hats down there don't like your kind, boy. Hearing this audition and looking at this outfit, I'm thinking that Daron is more suited to being an extra in The Producers rather than a pop star. Gene, being a natural showman himself, loves it. But the rest of the judges don't go for it. So now Daron will have to troll the French Quarter looking for a bizarre cabaret show to perform in. Which actually won't be that hard to find.
Next up is Lindsay Cardinale, who has a voice like a hot chick bartender in some small one-horse town. You know, from that one movie? She also has a satin ribbon tied around her neck. Paula intently studies Lindsay like she's one of those 3D posters where you see a boat if you unfocus your eyes. Oh! Now I see it! You can go to the next round! Lindsay is followed by Robert Solomon, who works as a projectionist at a megaplex, which is something I would've figured is all computerized by now. I wonder if he splices the films like Tyler Durden to keep himself amused. Robert, who isn't as good looking as Tyler Durden, or even Meat Loaf, then proves that he's much better suited to sitting in a dark closet hitting "Play" for 8 hours than singing.
Reggie Brown, can you help us out? No? Okay, then. Neither can Daniel Durham. I guess it's back to playing left guard. Algua Isaac, one of my favorite South Pacific atolls, then takes a shot. Sure, he looks kinda Andre 3000. But that's where the comparisons end. For instance, Algua is not famous. Also, he has no discernible musical ability. So what about Sundeep Achreja? Well, accountants do tend to be dynamic personalities. And the conservative business dress is daringly different. Sundeep starts singing and, well, it seems like he's going to have to write off Quarter 4 as a loss. Did not meet expected goals. Paula wonders if Sundeep has ever seen Idol. Sunny D proves that he has by mumbling Fantasia Barrino. Yes, Fantasia Barrino. Very good, Sundeep.
Michael Liuzza, a nice young local boy is next. Michael's parents used to perform in the French Quarter and they're proud of their boy. In fact, Mom says that if Michael can perform in front of the whole country, it'll be like he achieved what they never could. A comment that seemingly cut Dad to the bone. "Mmm" was Dad's measured response. But his tone and body language said more. Can Michael handle the intense pressure of his parents' dreams? Sorta. He squeaks through to the next round and celebrates by darting out into the street like an 8-year old chasing a soccer ball. Danger!
Touring the French Quarter, Ryan describes New Orleans as "debauched." Not, not the bomb, debauched. It's a perfect town for somebody like Jeffrey Johnson, who makes a living offering praise and worship. I...I had no idea you could get paid for something like that. Jeffrey prays to his Lord that he gives a good singing performance. I assume he also prayed to his Lord that none of the drag queens on Bourbon Street would touch him in a compromising way. Gene, who spews blood for a living, tells Jeffrey his Messiah isn't into pop, but the rest of the judges pass him through.
And...twins! I hate that song, I hate that beer and I hate twins. Speaking of which, here are Lamar and Jamar, who left their older brother Bamar, at home. Dazzled by the boys' work gloves, the judges have no choice but to pass them through. Idol then doubles its pleasure (Yeah, I did it. Pow!) with more twins, Rich and J.P. You know, unless the J stands for Jich, that is NOT how you're supposed to name twins. Rich and J.P. don't make it through, and are forced to go back to their jobs as stunt doubles on Growing up Gotti. Outside, Lamar and Jamar try to console the boys. "Yo, much twin love, dog."
So that's that. New Orleans is hot. However, it did prevent the British from reclaiming our country in 1812. So, uh, it's not all bad, I guess.