Last night, we were in the nation's capital. Tonight, we're in the nation's...biggest city on the Mississippi. No, wait, that's New Orleans. Tonight, we're in the nation's...well, we're in St. Louis! Hey, I was there, too! Read all about it right...here. And the auditioners are as excited as ever, showing off their glittered t-shirt and bare backs to convey enthusiasm.
Let's start things off with the Maynard triplets. Ryan wonders what Simon will think of them. Judging from their painfully bubbly and rehearsed greeting of "What's up, dog?", accompanied by an actual prop dog, I'm guessing that Simon will think they're borderline moronic and only sorta good looking depending on what kind of condition you're in. Thanks for playing! Outside of the audition chamber, one of the triplets insists that they're not fat, then guesses that her sister weighs ten more pounds than she actually does. So, it seems that twins and triplets and other identicals don't all weigh the same. Good to finally have that wrapped up. One of the sisters says they could all exercise if they felt like it. You know, like most Americans.
Next up is Katrina Rece, who speaks on the phone with mental patients and has tasted human flesh. Personality quirks that she considers ice breakers. Now if Katrina coughs during her song and a fingernail falls out, they should definitely put her through. By the way, "In my anthropology class in college..." is NOT a viable excuse for eating human flesh. Was it from a cadaver that the medical college had left over? Does this have something to do with that hospital from The Re-Animator? And will Katrina's first single be titled "Eating You Alive?" There are just too many questions here!
After a break, Seacrest throws out the first pitch at a Cardinals game, which is a heck of time for somebody to have to throw a baseball for the first time in their life. Even Rick Ankiel laughed at that one. But wait. Haven't we seen Seacrest's Little League pictures on past shows? Maybe he did cute little color commentary for the team from the bench or something. And so now until the Cards win another World Series, St. Louis fans will lament the Curse of the Glambino.
Now the question is, who looks worse? Seacrest or Maurice Moreau? Or Daniel Sample? Another question is, why do people still insist on wearing puka shells? Why didn't we take care of this in the 80s? Can Osborne Smith, son of the Wizard of Oz, improve things? Well, he can't possibly make things worse. He's actually pretty good, as Paula's writhing shoulders indicate. Osborne makes it to the next round and dedicates his golden ticket to everybody in St. Louis who's been held back. Which I guess means...all the people who got cut? Is he rubbing it in?
Let's focus on Jeremy, who comes with his own singing teacher, Angel. I think more pressure might be on Angel because if she gets cut, she'll probably lose all of her clients. But that's not a problem for today since at least two of the judges like her.. Following Angel is young Jessica Pontius, who emits a high pitch screech which is enjoyed by none.
Back from a break and now Smilin' Joseph Schoen is a part of our lives. Joe has been a reporter for a small town station. Joe has trained people to sing on cruise ships. Joe has remarkably white teeth that border on radioactive. None of this resume filler save Joe's performance for Simon, who pans it, likening to that of you guessed it! a cruise ship singer. Joseph insists that he's not a cruise ship singer. "I trained cruise ship singers! And I'm so much more! Like a reporter for a small station in Texas!" After a little bickering, Joseph flat out asks Simon what he's looking for. "Not you." "Well. That was...succinct." And now Joseph will be forced to be used every ounce of his charm to cheer up the sizable contingent he brought with him. Hopefully somebody in that group brought a sign that reads, "It's okay, Joseph! We still like you!" On another note, what exactly does training cruise ship singers entail, anyway? "Okay, here's the stage in this room. And the microphone is right there. Oh, and the ship leaves the dock at 8am. Um, I guess that's about it then."
Maybe if Joseph was more like Justin Smith, who came straight from his job at the car wash to audition. I assume he'll be singing a Rose Royce song then. Justin vows that he will "secede", which I guess means he wants to separate himself from the show. Shouldn't take long.
After that, let's all take a deep breath and refocus ourselves, shall we? We need to prepare for Aa'shia (seriously) Jackson, who goes by the street name Li'l Tomboy. Aa'shia bursts into the room in full rap mode. Wait, was one of those lyrics "Leave the slaves in a bacon place?" That is supa dupa fly! But Aa'shia, who didn't sing "Aisha", makes it on to the next round. Dreams do come true! Maybe not the dreams of Aa'shia's mom though, who thinks her daughter will sell more records than anyone of all time.
That can't happen, because I think Maurice Thomas will hold that title for the next 1,000 years. Because Maurice (who should bill himself as the black Tobias Funke) is awe-some. The pleated pants. The ill-fitting suit. The natty mustache. The super high voice. It's all workin', baby! But...Maurice gets rejected, which he can't believe.
So what about Jeremy? His vocal coach is good enough. His blazer is good enough, so he won't need that standard Idol makeover if he makes the finals. Unfortunately, his voice is not good enough. And after being cut, his life is not good enough. Angel, trying to put a brave face on things, breaks down in tears. Jeremy seems pretty okay with the whole thing, but Jeremy is inconsolable. Is this how English teachers get when they find former students working in a factory? "I'm a failure as a teacher!"
And then there was Adam and Dirk, two social misfits who bonded over their shared awkwardness. Killing time by discussing the deleted scenes on the Return of the King DVD and by figuring out which girls are less likely to give them basic human affection, Adam and Dirk quickly became friends for the ages. Then they both quickly bombed out of American Idol. But not before showing America one of the most awkward hugs in the history of the world.
So that's another successful jaunt through an American town! Seacrest! Out! Oh. Hmm. I really thought we were finished with that last year. He did get rid of some things last year, but not that, I guess. Hey, he's the one on TV, not me, so what do I know?