Only 25 hours to recover from the drama of last night! Is that nearly enough for you? Or do you feel like you need months and months off to recover? Either way, here's another show. More drama! More yelling! More Seacrest! (which still isn't enough)
Singers numbering 96 have already made their return flights. Emotions are in a tizzy, words being jumbled are. It's all very confusing. Today, the singers are being put into groups. Every year, this part of the process leads to the most disastrous results. Fighting, forgotten lyrics, late nights, early nights. Though, it is good for laughs from the more heartless members of the audience, and I'll put myself in that group for now.
Things get off to a good (bad) start with Matt, Danny and Scott. This is not a happy group. Big, but not happy. But...but...Scott seemed so likeable! So the teams are matched up and given the task of selecting a song to perform the next day. A seemingly simple process, yes? Not for Danny, Matt and Scott. Matt thinks Scott can't even get his goatee right. "It's supposed to be thick! Like this, bro! That stuff you're rockin' is too thin, bro!"
Back at the hotel, the groups start rehearsing their moves. This one is called "Big Guy in a Hat, Little Guy in a Running Jacket." You go left, and I go right! You're so small, and you're outta sight!. Meanwhile, Janae and Natalie prove my theory that girls can never get along for an extended period. This is why girls have one good friend for life, then continually make and break up with secondary friends throughout their lives. Sorry, ladies. Don't get mad at me. It's in the Bible.
Further proof of this is Elizabeth Pha's group. Elizabeth is having trouble remembering the lyrics. Any lyrics. To any song. But she's young, you know? Her head is cluttered with her friends' IM names. "Hello?! I'm only 16! Hello?!" Out in the elevator lobby, Constantine, Dezmond and William work on some elaborate dance moves that only Dezmond can pull off. Perhaps if Constantine and William were also wearing a tossel cap, tank top and shorts over sweatpants like Dezmond, they'd have a chance. But Constantine is just sporting a t-shirt and William is wearing the same pajama bottoms he's worn since he was 6. So, basically, they have no chance.
The groups rehearse deep into the night. Man, am I glad I wasn't staying in that hotel that night. "Baby, baby, baby..." "Shut up! SHUT UP! I have a PowerPoint presentation to give to sales tomorrow! It'll make or break my career!" Elizabeth's partners go to see if she has finally learned her words and Elizabeth wonders why all the cameras are there. Um...yeah. It's almost like it's a TV production or something. "Um, hello, I'm only 16! I wore a net to audition! Hello?!"
Over in Conference Room B, Lonnie Star Dad, is not helping matters. This should turn out well. Upstairs, Scott and his group, 3Large, finally patch things up. This is what it must've looked like when Color Me Badd first got together. Inspirational! If you're very, very easily inspired.
By the way, for those of you who think that Seacrest just coasts on his frosty hair and nice teeth, I hope you notice that he stayed up until 4am to shoot this bumper about the hallways being empty now. Now that is dedication! That's not the kind of shot you can just do at 2pm the next day and fake. It's gotta be real! It's gotta be in the moment! Seacrest points out that things are mostly quiet, except for in here. Behind the door. This lone hotel room door. Then we cut to a room downstairs loaded with stacked chairs and tables. Well, you know, people get loopy at 4am. Maybe he got lost in the big hotel.
Morning comes and Lonnie is still showing his girls the steps. Well, just his girl. He seems to be mostly annoying Natalie. I actually am now rooting for Lonnie to make the finals. Gotta dance! Gotta dance! That's Dezmond. Upstairs, Rachel and Carrie get Elizabeth. So, she can't remember lyrics or scheduled appointments. But, you know, she's young. Elizabeth's group is about ready to cut her loose. Or beat her into mush, whatever's easier. No matter how they do today, they should send these three out on tour and record every moment. It wouldn't be too long before Elizabeth ripped off her braces and threw them at one of the girls.
At the theatre, most of the groups seem unprepared. So this should be fun. Expect a lot of judge yelling. And a lot of "Sugar pie mmm mmm hmm. Can't...baby...hmm." Constantine, Dezmond and Other Guy kick things off. Dezmond can dance well, Constantine sings metal and the other guy looks like he works at Subway. So guess who didn't move on? Dezmond moves on and celebrates with a backflip. Again, people who can do backflips will do them at any possible time. For whatever reason, they LOVE showing off their backflipping ability. It's remarkable.
Outside, John and pals have absolutely no idea what their lyrics might possibly be. But at least two of them have matching hair, so it's not a total loss. Finally onstage, Elizabeth shows that maybe Rachel and Carrie knew what they were talking about, since Elizabeth doesn't know any lyrics outside of "Ooh" and "Baby." You know when even Paula is yelling at you, you have completely messed up. Shockingly, Elizabeth is sent home. But she did at least contribute to Carrie moving on. "Carrie, we'd like to see how you perform without a two-ton anchor tied around your neck. Good luck tomorrow." Although, for the record, Elizabeth is a very beautiful person.
Back from a break, the gleaming trio still can't remember their words. This'll be fun. Onstage, Jamar Jefferson (no, not Marlon Wayans) puts a little insanity into his performance. It's a nice touch. Back in the lobby, still no luck on the memory front. But with all of the smiles and backslapping, these guys all have a nice career in sales in their future.
The time comes for 3Large to lumber onstage. Matthew, sporting the Texas belt platter, kicks it off and sorta drifts off. Back to TNA wrestling for him. Watching or participating in, whatever. At least they finish with a nice harmony. And not a moment too soon, as Scott was running short of breath. Simon tells Matthew to drop the bear, then drops Matthew. So, can he pick up the bear now?
Aaron, Timothy and Shawn Wayans are up next. Extra points awarded for having matching outfits. But points deducted for being awful. So awful that Simon describes the performance as shambolic. Yes, shambolic. Shambolic! The judges then launch into an intense discussion over the meaning of shambolic. Dickering ensues. Meanwhile, Aaron, Timothy and Shawn are left to stand there awkwardly and wonder who they're fighting about. Not Timothy, because he's in. The other two are out.
So are all of these other people. This whole montage right here. Not. Good. And now the time is nigh. The big sales presentation for John, Kurtis and JP is due. They...uh...fail. But they make it anyway! Failing upwards is a major part of office politics. But here's a tip for next time. Don't pick a song you've never heard before. You see, that makes it a lot harder to learn. I can see how you might not understand that the first time through, so please don't forget in the future.
And there's another show. Ryan closes the proceedings by whispering "Seacrest, out." I guess this was a very serious episode that had to be given a reverent close. Jaded out.