Tonight, we'll find out which four contestants get eliminated first and relegated to a life of, "No, seriously, I was on American Idol! I can't believe you don't remember me!" Now, in accordance with the Equal Rights Amendment, two guys and two girls will be eliminated tonight. So whatever souvenirs you wanted to pick up while in Los Angeles, get them now.

I wonder if Dramatic Dan is too busy tracking storm clouds to scare the kids before tonight's show by telling them THE JOURNEY ENDS HERE! Hmm. I guess he is, because Seacrest, looking Miami dapper, starts things off by himself. See this stage? See these kids? Four of them are leaving tonight. In about 58 minutes. Until then...let's talk. Seacrest takes us into a summary of the Idol season so far. Sure we've seen this twice before already, but we have some time to kill, so just bear with us. Who's in? and who's out? Remember when I asked that twice before tonight? Yeah, that was pretty awesome.

Ryan tells us that 40 million votes were received. If I was Leno, I'd make a quip about how Ohio's vote count is still under dispute. But I'm not. I'm better than that. Seacrest then jokes that the judges are upset that their numbers weren't in Paris Hilton's mobile. Tee hee! They man hug! I'm better than that, too.

So, judges, we have nowhere to go until 10pm. Would you care to chat and chat and chat and chat? Please? Hey, do Seacrest's pants match his jacket? Or is he wearing a different pair of khaki with a tan jacket? Did somebody have a soda spill backstage right before the show? Ryan then turns his attention to the ladies, two of which will have to get to the airport tomorrow. Let's find out who...after the break! Oh! Four seasons in and that still surprises me! Okay, look, we know that doesn't surprise anybody. But you know the Grinch's heart will grow three times that day and you still watch that, so just live with it, everybody.

Time for the results! After another recap. They'll replay it for you, just wait. You know the more I watch Melinda, the more I notice that she's like Mikalah on mute. Lots of histrionic movement, not as much noise. Ryan then interviews the girls, starting with Sarah. Celena and Amanda are supporting Sarah's hands. They look like three girls going out on the townaritas after Sarah finally dumped her jerk of a boyfriend.

Now NOW! it's time for some results. No more screwing around, no more teasing, just pure, uncut results! Top row, all clear! Carrie, you're clear! Mikalah...Mikalah... teasing....teasing...you're fine for now. Mikalah's head almost exploded. It was like she hit another car head on, then needed a minute to realize she was okay.

Janay. Melinda. You each have a 50% chance of going home. And it's...Melinda. Man, she looks ticked. She stares at Ryan like he personally cut her. He asks if she's okay and I'm willing to venture a guess that she's not okay. Ryan then wonders what she thinks happened and Melinda, carefully choosing her words, sort of blame the editors for not showing her mug enough. Then Ryan asks Melinda to sing one last time. It looks like for a second she considers not doing it and just walking offstage. Melinda struggles to the end and Ryan tells the girls to come on down and give her a hug.

When they finally break up this hug, there are going to be 24 wet, salty shoulders. The makeup artists are freaking out right now. "C'mon! We're back in two minutes! Girls! Who's streaked?!" I wonder if the guys are going to cry this much when one of them leaves. And does this mean Janay is the 2 nd one out? Will she be in the next teaser group? And if not, where exactly did she finish? This is suddenly intriguing.

The girls are shuffled into makeup and the guys are shuffled on to the couch. One of them is about to go down. Nice to see Nikko didn't forget his hat tonight. Bo Bice! Bo Bice has definitely ridden in the back of a pickup truck with a dog before. For at least a 9 mile trip. On another note, Anwar has definitely written some poetry. He's a pretty heavy guy. I don't know what Ryan asked him, but the answer sounded like Ryan finally reached the top of the mountain and asked Anwar the meaning of life. "Well, all things are life. And life is all things. The will of the voters cannot be ignored, and yet it is not the sole symbol of success."

Time for half of the guy results. Top row, you're fine. Man, that's a good ticket to get. Janay should try to sit up there the next time out. Unless they switch it up, which you know they love to do. Then Ryan makes the bottom row of guys stand up. The girls didn't have to do this. Anthony is dismissed, Constantine has to stick around. Judd and The Hat are dismissed. Seacrest then doubles back and dismisses Constantine. Jared. Travis. It's...not Jared. Moving on, I mean. Jared is not moving on. Jared has been cut. Did you get that? Ryan shakes Jared's hand and mentions how tough the last couple of minutes have been. Yeah, the only thing that could be worse is if he had to sing one last, meaningless song. And, on cue, there's the song.

We're back and the second girl is on her way out. Top row, things aren't so cozy for you this time around. Ah ha! Girls...in...the...bottom...row...each...of...you................... is safe. Because, remember, I just told the top row they weren't safe. But wasn't that nerve-wracking anyway? Aloha, Jessica, Vonzell, you're all safe. Amanda, Sarah, Celena...I was thinking about how SARAH, YOU ARE OUT! Man, talk about shifting gears in a hurry. Get it over with quickly, I guess.

Ryan turns the mic over to Sarah. She might sing this number in quadruple time and finish it in twenty seconds. Sarah's going through this song like somebody asked her to get them something from the fridge. Cock the head to the side. "Fiiiine!" Then slump off to get it with no energy whatsoever. Alas, poor Sarah. We knew her not that well.

After a break, Ryan politely explains to us what will happen next week. See, it's just like what happened this week, except with four fewer people. Got it? Good. Moving on, bottom row, you guys are just fine. Which you may have seen coming after the way they handled Sarah's cut a moment ago. Jessica reacts like she's shocked anybody is about to get cut. "Oh my God! What are they doing out there?!"

The guys are lined up in two rows like it's football practice. Just throw a ball out there and see who recovers the fumble. "Who wants it more, men?! Who wants it more?! That's how you win football games!" Joseph. Anwar. You're fine too. Ryan then looks around and realizes nobody is left on stage with him, so he turns around and cuts Judd. Man, don't get in Seacrest's eyeline or bad things will happen.

Did you notice that Judd and Jared very vaguely look like each other? And they both have J names? America has spoken! This nation hates dark hair and J names! Too bad Judd got cut. That guy really knows how to tuck a shirt in. Absolutely no loose hangover. Like it's pinned in.