Tonight's episode is maybe the most important of all time. Sure, the finals each year have been pretty big. But tonight? When they start cutting the group from 70-something to 20-something? This is the one you have to pay attention to. After all, if somebody finishes 43rd on American Idol, there's 100% chance you'll never hear from them again. I mean, they won't die or anything, but still. The pop career is finito.
"Okay, now...get out of the cars and run into the theatre!" See, the most important performance of their lives! Seacrest said it, too! Hey, you know what I just noticed? Idol has a new opening this year. Did this start tonight or at the very beginning? Or sometime last year? Either way, I've just now noticed it. And I'm paid to work on this thing. Anyway, it seems that Giant Man, who walks amongst the airplanes, has been replaced by Elevator Gal, who...takes the elevator to the top floor, I suppose. Then she walks across the plank that Luke and Leia had to cross inside the Death Star. Except this one doesn't have Storm Troopers shooting at Elevator Gal from the other side. Yet.
Seacrest welcomes us in the special Seacrest welcome way and sets the stage. You know the pressure is on tonight, because his hair is extra frosted. And you wouldn't do something like that for no reason. Should be a fun night. This kid is nervous. This kid is crying. This kid is really nervous. This kid's porkpie hat is too small for his head. It's so intense!
Now, I will admit that today is tough. After singing their little songs, the judges will look at each contestant and say, "Thank you." No more, no less. Sounds enjoyable. After that, the contestants are divided into four rooms. Ryan then spins the tale of Sharon Galvez, who's hoping to perform on a bigger stage than she's used to at her job. Considering that we just saw her singing in front of about 15 slot jockeys, 8 of whom were mildly annoyed and 7 of which thought Sharon singing on top of their machines was bad luck, she's probably already reached that goal. Sharon, why are you yelling? You don't have to compete with the Price is Right slots machine. No bells, no ringing. Stop yelling!
Shunta, why are you yelling? Shunta! Somebody get these kids some music, please! Angel Higgs, wearing what looks like two dresses, tries her little heart out. I imagine if she doesn't win, her career as a vocal coach is basically over, right? Sean McNeill, youth pastor! He's hip and he loves the Bible! What more could you ask for? A little more singing talent? Okay, I'll give you that for starters. But he seems nice enough! Nicer than you!
Back from a break and we're all left wondering if we can actually see through Seacrest's t-shirt or if it's just an optical illusion. Simon bails, leaving Randy and Paula to deliver the news by themselves. Room one, you're going home. Oh, Room One! I had grown so close to them. Randy advises them to keep the journey going. Not this Idol journey, I mean. Your other journey. Your journey back home. But seriously, keep it real. Now here's the question. Does all of Room One tie for 55 th place, or do they put them in order?
Now how will Jamar Jefferson fare? He's certainly prepared, since he brushed his face before his performance. Shake! Shake! Then we see Mario Vazquez and his mom. A little note to whoever graffitied that mailbox outside of Mario's home. That's a federal offense, son. I want you to think about that next time you shake up that paint can. Also, to whoever is Mario's local councilman or state senator? You are completely failing, sir.
Matthew Kester wanted to stick out by singing one of Simon's favorite songs. And also by having the first ever spiky mullet: the spullet. But would all of the judges like what he did today? And would they like how he looks like Rutger Hauer in Blade Runner? Only time will tell. Did you know that Carrie Underwood is from a farm? Well, she is. Can't you tell by her complete lack of understanding of urban slang?
Vonzell delivers the mail? No, Carrie, that isn't slang. We mean she actually delivers the mail. Letters and bills and stuff. Please go sit over there, darling. We'll call you when we need you. Room Two, the judges have arrived. Is that chick sitting next to Jamar wearing a wig? That has to be a wig. I hope that's a wig. It's 7:30pm. A commercial just ended. Room Two is celebrating. This part of the recap is LITERALLY very literal.
Room Three seems mostly unsure of themselves. That can't be good. I kinda want this room to get cut just so I can see Dezmond Meeks do a sad dance away from the hotel. That might be interesting. Dezmond, stop yelling! What about Aa'shia (somehow pronounced Asia), aka Li'l Smoke? Aa'shia says something about having a life or purpose and then demonstrates that her purpose is to dress like early Michael Jackson. Sitting across from Aa'shia is Larry Ellis, who styled his cornrows just like Aa'shia in a nice show of solidarity. Then he went out and gave a simply bizarre performance. I'm starting to figure out how things are looking for Room Three. And it's looking, as the French say, not good. Although Ross Williams did make trumpet noises while playing an air flute, so with that kind of diversity, who knows how this thing is going to turn out?
But of course we can't show what happens to Room Three without showing Room Four first. Why, that would completely ruin the surprise. Tammy Wynette Nash? Named after Tammy Wynette? Or Wynette Nash? You'd think that Tammy would be all cried out by now, but no. She still has some saltwater left. Scott Savol, I like you. Scott Savol, I do not like your suit. We have got to work on that thing, brohammer. Mikalah Gordon comes out sporting the most intense ponytail of all time. Then she joins Seacrest for one of the most delightful conversations of all time. Lindsey Cardinale, who looks just like Julia DeMato, should be okay, right? Jessica Sierra will definitely be all right since she just performed a Busboys classic.
Room Three, here we go. Randy starts off telling them they have to be happy about the journey, and if they have any ability whatsoever to read between the lines, they already know what's up. Dance, Dezmond, dance! Do a sad little dance for me! Room Four, you're about to get the second Paula fakeout of the day. Considering that half of your room has been crying all week, hopefully nobody dies. Aahhhhhhhhhh! Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam! Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh! Meanwhile, the people in Room Three consider trashing the place in a rage. Somebody please hide that tray of water glasses. Aa'shia Jackson announces that she won't let this get her down and that she's adding another apostrophe to her name. Congratulations, Aa'sh'ia! Upstairs, the losing groups try to figure out what they did wrong while the show producers frantically race to bolt the windows closed in each room. Together, the rejected group decides to settle on angrily confident for their departing emotion.
Tomorrow, more of what you saw tonight. Except even better because it'll be even more Seacrest out!