Wow. I just saw a commercial telling me that a getaway to Canada might be the most exciting adventure I ever had. This was topped off by a guy leading a team of sled dogs over a sandy beach and a chick jumping about eight feet in the air to spike a volleyball. And here all this time I thought Canada was only good for ice hockey and funny, unattractive actors.
But let's talk about Idol! Sporting a sweater that matches the green sieve from the opening credits, Seacrest strolls out and then takes a few seconds to decide exactly how he wants to kick off tonight's show. All of that introspection leads to...a comment about the signs in the audience. There's a bunch of 'em, there is!
Backstage, Ryan is giving hints about this week's theme. He mentioned Professor Henry Higgins and Vonzell furrows her brow, thinking hard about whether she first heard that name in history or science class. Higgins...Higgins. Anyway, the theme is The Great White Way! Broadway!
Now, tonight's songs are only from classical Broadway, so forget about hearing your favorite tunes from Rent, Urinetown, or Carrie Fisher's new one-woman show, I Had A Famous Mom. It'll be more like watching a high school play that your kid isn't in. And no, there won't be an intermission. We're doing this baby all the way through in one shot. Scott Savol, the man of Le Cleveland, is going to be singing a number from The Man of La Mancha. Is it prophetic that he's singing about reaching for the impossible star? Let's find out. Well, Randy liked it okay. Paula liked it more than okay. And Simon wasn't crazy about it. With classic Broadway on tap tonight, expect many cruise ship, hotel bar, amusement park and talent show analogies from Simon tonight. Unless he goes off and starts mentioning Liza, overdramatic acting, the orchestral pit and other stupid things about Broadway.
Hey, Ryan was right. There are a lot of signs in that audience. Constantine, taking advantage of his theatre training and love of classic Broadway oh, and we musn't forget his metal roots gets into the mood. What's that shmutz on the video screen behind him? Who was touching the screen with their greasy hands?! Constantine gives a big finish to his song, no doubt aided by the lucky pull tab he has on his lapel. Randy loved it, like whoa. Paula loved it and is now officially in love with Constantine. Simon liked the pouting, paying more credit to Constantine's acting chops than his singing.
Can Carrie sing anything but Oklahoma! here? Umm, yes, actually. Inspired by Jodie Foster's remake, Anna and the King, Carrie is taking on a song from The King And I. Although I would be more interested in watching Carrie's family visit the actual Broadway, followed by a walk past the delightfully authentic and mature shops on 8th Avenue. Between the dress and the song, Carrie's performance is like a cross between your high school homecoming song and the spring musical. For some people, that's a wonderfully good thing. Randy hated the song itself, but liked Carrie's rendition. Paula loves everything. Including the surprisingly out-of-character skull and crossbones ring on her finger. Maybe it was a gift from Constantine. Or Poison Control. There! There's the wild analogy from Simon! He worries that the song was too old-fashioned. But doesn't he know that this country's in an old-fashioned kinda mood? We're locking up people who look different from us! We fear every foreigner on the planet! People are full of fire and brimstone, book-thumping, righteous indignation! A 1950s-style performance is perfect for an audience that wants to go back to 1951, if not all the back to the 1870s when we were all saddled with constant fear and shame about our bodies! Come on, Simon!
Buh nuh buh nuh buh nuh buh nuh nuh bwowrnnnnnn! Vonzell, in a stirring tribute to Mikalah, will be singing "People." Remember, people who need people are the luckiest people in the world. And these contestants need people to vote for them. This message brought to you by Ryan Seacrest! Actually, I would argue that people who need people are the unluckiest people in the world, since other people are most often a constant disappointment. If you think I'm being a cynic, tell all of your friends that you need help moving this weekend and see what happens. Man, do I hate Barbra Streisand. But Vonzell turned in a very nice performance. Randy strongly agrees and Paula loves it so much she gives her eighth standing ovation of the night. Not bad considering that we're only four singers in. Simon, who clearly does not need people, wasn't thrilled with the performance.
Anthony Fedorov will not be singing anything from the Ukrainian musical classic, Pyrhohi y Krhbry, which is really too bad. But he is wearing white pants for spring! White pants, Broadway classic, please don't draw any conclusions, people. Anthony tries to climb every mountain, but Randy doesn't think he got halfway up the first hill before rolling back down like the stone of Sisyphus. And yes, I write florid prose like this on my own! Paula congratulates the orchestra on a job well done and Simon tears it up. Ryan quickly tags in to save Anthony from Simon's critique. That was...interesting. But mostly awkward.
Nikko Smith, dressed like a man on his way to a Broadway show in 1954, is singing something from West Side Story. West Siii-eeede! Is he going to be singing the Maria parts as well? Um, I don't know. Maybe he did. I don't know much about musicals. Which is to say, I don't know anything about musicals. I'm just glad we finally got Nikko away from the Bobby Brown/New Edition domain. Randy and Paula loved it and Simon is too smart to be fooled. But he's mainly given up on providing criticism tonight, figuring he's going to be drowned out. Fun!
Anwar. Anwar Robinson. I don't have anything to say here. So let's see what happens. And...now it's over. Man, I do not like Broadway. Not because I'm such a dude, either. I mean, I've given this stuff a shot. But it just doesn't stick. Randy loved Anwar and Paula called Anwar the technically best singer. Which reminds me of when everybody called Bret "The Hitman" Hart the best technical wrestler in the WWF.
Bo Bice, from the musical theater-rich city of Birmingham, Alabama, is up. That shirt he's wearing is pretty Broadway, I guess. Is that...is that a vinyl shirt matched with leather pants? He's like a bad couch from the '70s. Or the interior of a super awesome El Camino. The judges, they loved Bo Bice. As long as you take Simon out of the equation. He would've preferred hearing Bob Ice the past two weeks.
Sure, you can get the new Idol DVD if you want. Just don't look for a commentary track from your boy me. That would've been too cool to work. And we're back! So is Nadia. She'll be singing a tune from Oliver! which I think is about the first season of The OC, when Marissa was almost killed by Ryan Atwood's rival. It's very dark, but very entertaining. Geez, now that's a gown. If a friend of yours is new to this country and trying to pick up the language and says, "What is gown?" just point to that. It's just too bad that Nadia only had time to put half of her hair down. I know things get so hectic backstage. Simon whispers something to Paula as Nadia closes up shop. I guess it was "Hurry up," as the judges flew their comments.
That's your show. That's right, I said your show. You should feel proud of it, friends!