You know, we're not too far from having few enough performers to allow for full renditions of songs. And I, for one, am looking forward to it. When listening to these shows with 10 and 12 singers, it's like fast forwarding through an entire disc just for one verse. I'm a completist!
Elevator Girl walks out through the big green strainer, Host Boy walks out through the barn doors and we are officially underway. Ryan steals my joke about Anwar's chestal exposure. Cause you know he reads this thing, just like you know how cops are using skateboards down at the precinct after they confiscate them from some mall kids. They totally are!
Ryan asks Anthony what he was doing way back in 2000, but Anthony doesn't say a word. You know how Russians can be with those state secrets. So maybe by the year 2096, we'll know if Anthony spent any time in Scranton in 2001.
So, the theme tonight is songs from the 21st century. They didn't bill it that way, but that's technically what it is. First up tonight is Carrie. Her background piece informs us that she's literally from a one stoplight town. In fact, Carrie has more cows than her town had traffic lights. So, you know, if you're riding your cow through downtown, please look both ways at intersections. I'm happy to see that Carrie has received the advice I've been mentally transmitting to her and is going with the straight hair. That shirt is hot too. Sure, if Constantine wore that shirt with a trucker hat which he still might too we'd call him an insufferable hipster. But on Carrie, we love it. As for the song, whatever. New country is nowhere man! You know I love the old school country. So do the judges, apparently, because they weren't thrilled by Carrie's performance. Simon thinks the unwashed masses will love it, though.
Could Clay possibly look any cheerier with those primary colors ringing his neck? No he could not! Anyway, Bo Bice is also from the sticks, if you couldn't have figured that out already. I hope Bo Bice's girlfriend is going out on the Idol tour with her beau Bo this summer. Keep a tight leash on that boy! The girlies love him! Oh, it might be too late.
Look at how Hollywood he's gone! He's wearing a carpet and girls' sunglasses! Hey, is that Lenny Kravitz's bald brother accompanying on guitar tonight? That beard is coming in nicely on Bo Bice. He's going to look like Pitt after Seven Years in Tibet soon. Out in the crowd, somebody triumphantly holds up their "Vonzell is Swell" sign. Hopefully Bo will tell her backstage. Onstage, the judges tell Bo Bice how awesome he is. Then we see a sign that's a tribute to Bo's Southern heritage. "Bo is best." Indeed.
We come back from a break, and we take a trip to Vonzell's home, where we learn that Vonzell will bust you up if she has to. I'm wondering what Vonzell is going to do for a song since Whitney hasn't released anything this century. Well, she's going to do this. Whatever it is. I know it's not anything from the upcoming White Stripes album,. Oh man! Is she using the special red microphone? Dang! This is a big performance. Wait. Never mind. It was just a red light. Letdown! I wonder if that one person in the crowd is going to hold up a Bo Bice sign for Vonzell. Vonzell loves her daddy. Her daddy taught her to karate chop. Therefore, Vonzell loves to karate chop. True. Hopefully that right there helps you on the SATs this year. Randy loved it. Randy is a judge. Therefore, all judges loved it. Not enough information given. Hold on, Paula loved it. Simon wasn't so sure. So do all judges love it? False. Out in the crowd, we see another sign. "Everyone can tell that this sign is too hard to read. VONZELL!"
Anthony Fedorov. Face of Harry Potter, hair of Clay Aiken, parents of glasnost. A truly international story. I...I honestly don't know what to say about a man performing Celine Dion. Whatever I would say would come out wrong, so I'll just keep it to myself. I like that suit, though. That's a positive. He should've had more people flying around the stage on wires like Celine's show probably has. And splashing water. Theatrics! The judges liked it and Simon thinks it'll go over great with his target demographic.
Ryan then promises that the Pouter is next. This show is about to get interesting. "Weeble wobble, one of us! One of us!" Oh, it's just Constantine. Opa! Constantine as a kid! Opa! Constantine talks about how he went from a good church boy to a rocker. And then, I guess, to a theatre nerd. Like David Schwimmer with long hair! Oh, Constantine. You know what's rock? Wearing one of those belts that prisoners wear so their handcuffs can be clipped to their waists. That's raw, baby! What else is raw? Randy's assessment of Constantine's song. Rough. Even Paula didn't like it. Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwch. Simon says that if Connie is going to sell out and go pop, he's going to have to REALLY sell out and go pop, Michael Bolton-style.
Scotty. The. Body. The nickname isn't leaving until Scott does. It's not my fault. Really. Scott is from Shaker Heights, the famous salt mining community in Ohio. Which is clearly a depressing place. Geez. Scott might become the next man in black, doing it for all of those in Cleveland, the ones who are held back. Scott says if you go to Cleveland, you'll see a million people that look like him, but I find it impossible to believe that many lavender shirts are bouncing around town. Did he just sing "Dance With My Father Again"? This is like some insipid wedding song. Then the groom dances with his mother, then all the old people do the electric slide. And Randy hated it. Paula wasn't thrilled by it and Simon...well, it wasn't nice.
Seacrest, out. Column, over. Originality and humor, long gone.
Oh, wait! I almost forgot! You all know how much I hate talking about myself, but I have some news. I'll be appearing on Idol Chat on the TV Guide Channel Wednesday night. I assume to talk about Idol, but maybe some Middle East political stuff will come up. Anyway, set your DVRs accordingly for my first television appearance with the delightfully spunky Kimberly Caldwell.