So I've been doing some thinking lately. Well, not some, a lot. But only some about Idol. Anyway, I've decided I'm not going to take this summer, fall and winter off. In fact, I'm going to keep rocking the email column on idolonfox twice a month as long as I get enough inspirational missives to use. Also, we've decided that in fairness to the contestants we lit up, we won't post that Jaded/JPL commentary video until this season ends. So calm down, people! Some say patience is a virtue. Oh, and I might hit one or two of the 52 - 52! - Idol tour stops this summer with a camera and a load of wit. Oh, the things I'll say!
I've also been thinking about tonight's finale showcase super spectacular singing extravaganza. Mainly, I've been thinking about how I'm out of material and will go dry sometime around Fantasia's second song. But hang in there just in case! Maybe the sleeves of Seacrest's tuxedo jacket will be 1/8th of an inch too short and I can go off on that!
My name is Ryan Seacrest and I'm delighted to be wearing a white suit! Just absolutely delighted! Cut to the crowd, which is going wild, alternately for Diana and then for Fantasia. The pods along the walls then separate and float over the stage before Senator Jar Jar addresses the Galactic Council on the importance of turning over control of the planet to the guy that we all know is actually Darth Sarumon and not the benevolent Count Dooku he makes himself out to be.
Before going a step further, we take a look back at the wild ride that cute Diana took to this point. Basically, nothing bad ever happened to her and now here she is. Hooray, Mr. Ryan! Golly, I'm just a little Southern girl who can't believe this is all happening! Whoo! Backed by the Choir and the Christmas trees on her skirt, Diana tackles her first song with all the chipperness she can muster. And, believe me, that's a lot of chip! Diana belts out that love keeps lifting her higher. This big, big, big song finally crashes to a close and Diana - very sincerely and not manipulatively at all - thanks the Kodak crowd for clapping during a TV show. In the audience, Tamyra applauds along, proud that she was able to pair "Love keeps lifting me higher" with "Ooh yeah, your love keeps lifting me higher." Randy and Paula liked Diana, but Simon scoffs at her tiny amount of life experience. C'mon, honey, have you really climbed a mountain? Have you ever really swum in a lake? I think it's safe to say that Snellville is rife with ponds, so we'll have to give her that one. Although it might be time to introduce Mr. Simon to Mr. Metaphor. Plucking along like only a young girl with tons of life experience can, Diana precociously thanks Mr. Simon. I wonder how many times Diana has watched "Coal Miner's Daughter."
Anyway, it's time to look at Fantasia's road here. Um, she auditioned, made it through to Hollywood, got voted into the finals and now here she is. Sort of like Diana, but way different somehow. Fantasia, incidentally, is also excited to be in the finals. I wonder if Ray Romano is excited to be in the crowd again. And if he has over $10,000 in his wallet at the moment. I mean, when you make $45 mil a year, you need some walking around money, right?
Fantasia looks great tonight. And it's good to know that she's not gospel choir-less on this performance. Even things up a little. Taking the song incredibly literally, Fantasia spins around on "You turn my life around" and begs the audience to rise on "You lift me up." Perhaps when Mr. Metaphor is done with Simon, he can spend some time with Fantasia. By the way, is this backdrop an actual program, or just static? Does it make a difference at this point? Hey, there's Amy Adams! I assume. We'll have to send that black hair to the lab to make sure. And my boy Matt Rogers! Randy and Paula weren't crazy about Fantasia's leadoff effort and Simon says it's a good thing she has more songs tonight because she was.too good or something. Something apparently went over our heads./p>
Why is Seacrest on TV, you ask? Because he can hit his breaks on time! Sure, we missed half of what he said, but he did it! Oh, that reminds me. I need to get my collection of Micro Machines out of storage this weekend. During the break, FOX runs a rare promotion for one of its shows. Although I'll say this. Since Hailey from The O.C. - aka, the most beautiful woman in the universe - is on North Shore this summer, you can go ahead and assume I'll be watching.
Okay, we're back and Diana is going to try sitting for her second song. Maybe it's good luck. Maybe not. There she goes. C'mon, y'all! Diana can't sing without your off-rhythm cl-claps! Enough is enough is enough is enough is enough. Didn't somebody sing this earlier this season? Who was it? This seems like the sort of thing I should know. Oh well. Maybe I'll have my cousin Will Sparks pore through my archives to find out. He loves trips down memory lane. The song comes to a close, because, you know, enough is enough is enough, and if the singers are getting extra credit for miles covered in a night, Diana will be way ahead. Every single part of the stage got a little love. Randy liked it okay, Miss Paula was fine with it and mean ol' Mr. Simon, who steals our frisbees when they land in his yard, tells Diana to cool it with the pageant waves and dancing and smiles. You mean somebody else has noticed this too? How interesting.
More shilling, then more singing. Crowdcrest takes his pearly choppers and pearly threads into the seats, and I don't see one dang celebrity. I thought this show was a big deal! If celebrities don't like it, how can I? By the way, that giant TV screen over Seacrest's shoulder? The one that shows Seacrest with a giant TV screen over his shoulder? Theoretically, that image could go on infinitely. Sorry if your brain just exploded.
Fantasia, vamped out in red, lays down on the stage to tell us the living is easy and the corn is tall or something like that. It feels like it's 95 degrees with 100% humidity outside whenever Fantasia sings this. Hoo, it's hot out there, boy! Too hot to move! The song comes to a sultry, sultry close and finally Fantasia is on her feet. I'd like to see just one song where the singer lays on her stomach the entire time without moving. Sure, it'd be hard to hit the big notes, but at least it would be something different. After that song, Randy is ready to declare Fantasia the winner and go home. Paula says Fantasia will never bore the audience by recreating anything for them. And Simon says Fantasia is not only the American Idol, she's better than every other Idol ever. Even Turkish Idol? Better, he says!
Ryan is now standing in the balcony. Do you think he shimmied up a post to get there? Is he going over the edge like Ed Vedder in the "Evenflow" video? Now that would be cool. By the way, see those two little moppets next to Ryan there? This will be the greatest moment in their entire lives. It's all downhill for the next 66 years. Sorry, kids. So now it's time for Diana's last song of the night. Judging from her business chic outfit, this song might be about the power of videoconferencing and high speed color copiers.. Afterwards, the judges more or less tell Diana, "Oh well. You tried. But hey, Clay got an album and he didn't win either. Look at it that way." Segueing like a guy auditioning for "The New American Bandstand," Ryan tells us to vote for Diana.
Lastly tonight, Fantasia is going to sing the same song Diana opened the show with. I'm sure this won't show any demonstrable difference between the two ladies. Hey, who knew seafoam green was Fantasia's color? See, here's the thing right here. Fantasia is a walking show. She just gets it. Gets to how to entertain, how to handle the song. And you know what else? Love also lifts her higher., the song comes to a close, and a nervous Tamyra thinks, "Oh man. Maybe I should've sung this first to put my stamp on it. I think I just lost this song forever." And then Fantasia cries. Although I think they're happy tears, just like the other ten times we saw her cry this season. Man, this chick is emotional. My only emotions are rage and envy, if you consider envy an emotion. Which you shouldn't.
And now, just for the kids, here's Paul Anka! Paul, sporting a deep, healthy tan, comes out. I tell you what, this song is actually pretty funny. Of course, no mention of your boy me in there. Maybe it's too hard to rhyme "Journalist" and "the guy nobody likes or knows about." I'll get a sportier nickname next season, perhaps.
The time has come to wrap up the penultimate show of the season. Glowcrest tells us to vote and vote and vote and not worry about the busy signals and cramped thumbs and whatnot. Just vote! Oh, and also, just for the record, "Seacrest. Out." Somehow, it still sounds cool after hearing it 112 times this year. But what's this? Just under the wire, Diana sneaks in one last plea! "Love you, America." You know, she thought you should know that just before you start voting. Just in case. Fantasia opts not to bat Seacrest's sign off out of the sky. I guess we'll just have to assume that she loves us. But what if she doesn't?! Oh, why didn't she make it clear?!