Two people will go to the Kodak Theatre. One will leave this stage tonight. Dramatic Dan left out "in tears." Happycrest (last one, I swear!) bounces on out and asks to see the crowd's signs. Whee! Fantasia! Diana! Jasmine! Yep, that's all of them. Then Ryan delivers the news. The Australian Idol is here tonight. Adelaide says, "Wow!" and America says, "Who?" I tell you what, if he finishes his song and then crushes a can on his temple, then I'll respect him. Ryan asks the girls how they're doing, and none of them have the courage to bark back, "You know what, Ryan? We're gall dang terrified. Why are you even asking?
Back from last night's summary, Ryan pounds on his acrylic mini golf podium to emphasize his point. Surprisingly, it doesn't shatter like a block of ice. Although how amazing would it have been if Ryan screamed, "We'll be back after.THIS! Hi ya!" and then crushed the podium with his fist? Real amazing, I tell ya.
We return from the ads and Ryan is going to give the results right now! Wait. No. I was off by a little. Sorry. Instead, he's going to ask more probing questions of the girls. Do you deserve to be here? Do you like it? Would you consider yourself a generally friendly person? This guy wouldn't make the best prosecutor. But he would make a great ringside announcer as he brings in Tamyra Graaaaayyyyyyyyyyyy!
In the red corner, weighing in at 76 pounds, Tamyra Graayyyyyyyy! Tamyra immediately launches into a song she wrote just for tonight. It's all about what it's like to audition for American Idol. And this video will further explain what it's like. Although I don't know how you have a music video without a convertible Bentley. Ruben could be cruising down the boulevard. You know what? Maybe this super positive, everything-is-great-when-you-smile Tamyra song isn't about Idol as much as it's about stuff. Great stuff! By the way, you're a star. All of you. Which I think means, uh, that stars aren't special anymore. Hmm. I'll work out the math later.
Is that David Arquette in the crowd? Maybe that guy's just the poor man's David Arquette in the same way that I'm the very, very poor man's Matt Damon. On another note, I can't believe they're making Randy, Paula and Simon sit there the whole time just so they can pipe in during the last three minutes. Eh, I guess they're getting paid.
Okay, now we're going to take a look at how far the Aussie Idol has come. Boy, it seems like we were all just watching this yesterday. When, in fact, we weren't watching it at all, ever. I guess I should watch myself here, lest the emails start pouring in from South Adelaide again. Guy (not "a guy" but "Guy") trots out and Seacrest asks him, sigh, how it's been so far. It's been great! Let's just assume that, huh? This song is nice enough I guess, a little puffy. The song ends and Diplocrest asks Guy if he wants to say anything to Australia right now. "G'day, mates! I miss you!" "G'day, huh? Hmm. Neat. Weird."
After that international flash, we see Jasmine Trias' Big Trip Back To Hawaii. Boy, Hawaii really supports their own. If a Hawaiian ever runs for president, the pineapple will be the national fruit within two months. Although President Ron Kaanapali might not move to D.C. And really, why would he? "Thanks, brah, but I'll stay here. We'll call it White House West, man." About the only thing I learn from the footage of Jasmine's trip is that Hawaii is still beautiful. Jasmine, wasn't it fun to see your trip back home? Yeah? Well, the fun's over. Here come the judges' comments on your songs last night. Not.uh.good. After reminding Jasmine of last night's unpleasantness, Pressurecrest (I can't help myself!) has Jasmine just sit tight for the next 27 minutes or so.
We come back and Ryan has a seat with Tamyra. Man, we're jumping all over the place. Tamyra! Guy! Jasmine! Tamyra again! Tamyra breaks the news that she co-wrote the ditty that next week's winner will sing. I think we can assume the lyrics will include lots of positive thoughts. Now Tamyra will sing. Again. By the way, La Toya London, take notes, because this will be you on American Idol 6. And by then I'll be hosting, so look nice that night, why dontcha? Those raindrops are still falling. Now, shouldn't Guy's whitewater backdrop have gone with this tune? Or is that too literal? I'd love to sit in on a backdrop meeting. "Okay, Fantasia is singing 'Ring of Fire' tonight. What should we put behind her? And no fire!" "Hmm. A.ring, then?" "Too literal." "Okay. What about, and stick with me here, a sun-drenched meadow?" "Yes! Beauty! Cue that baby up!"
Ryan tells us that Tamyra's album is out Tuesday. Which reminds me, my album is coming out never.
Now it's Fantasia's turn to go home through the magic of video. When she visits the local news station,. it's tough for me to see Rick the weatherman embarrass himself like that only two days before his retirement. He had such a dignified career! Ooh! Now I would like to have been a part of that pot luck church dinner. Man, that chicken looks good. Ooooooooh! Fantasia, we don't have any video of last night cued up, so you'll just have to trust Summarycrest when he says the judges loved you. Just like every other night. Try to imagine it, please.
Hey, guess what? Diana went home too. And she pulled a Letterman and did the weather. Gosh, Snellville is in the middle of nowhere. It's the kind of small town where if one had, say, a stretch limo, they would stick out so much that they would require, say, a police escort. Then Diana had an autograph session at Wal-Mart, which surprises me a bit. I didn't think Wal-Mart carried racy fare like Idol CDs. And now we're back in L.A! The judges were sorta impressed and sorta unimpressed by Diana last night. To sum it all up, the judges all disliked Jasmine's performance, all loved Fantasia and were split on Diana's performance. Which, judging from Idol votes past, means that Fantasia better have her carry on luggage handy.
. Judges, anything to add? Mmm, not really. Although we did get to see Witcrest point out that Simon wears small t-shirts. Hey, you know what? He does! I had never noticed that before! And another thing.oh, wait. Jasmine is gone. Well, that was.not a surprise. Which is exactly what makes it such a surprise!
Jasmine came so far on Idol. The mayor of her hometown declared a Jasmine Trias Day and your boy Jaded, taking it a step further, has also declared a Jasmine Trias Day.. Ever the kind soul, Ryan sends Jasmine on her way with a 50 cent piece to help her get on her feet. No wait, he wants her to flip it - then give it back! - to decide who will go first next week. Fantasia wins and opts to ride shotgun, a choice that puts her in tears. All right, go first then. You don't have to cry about it.
Finally, Jasmine closes out the show with a song, which, if you look at the voting, is the last thing most people want. Wait! The credits are rolling over the song! Not only can I not see beautiful Jasmine clearly enough, we might not have time to fit in our traditional closing of Seac..