Ah, we've come so far this season. But soon our ride will end. I'll be mothballed for another six months until Idol 4 gets rolling, you all will leave me for some blogger who recounts in excruciating detail how he had Froot Loops for breakfast this morning and that there's no point in the loops having different colors because they all taste pretty much the same. Sure, in January '05 you might wend your way back to me. But we'll all be forever changed. Then again, the other side of the coin is, according to my files, this is the recap for Week 18. Man, that's a lot. I was running out of things to say in Week 5, so who knows how I held it together this long. Mostly with duct tape and feeble comments about clothes nicer than anything I'll ever own. Frankly, I can't believe you people didn't give up on this charade a long time ago.
But you know who you won't leave in the dust this summer? Whoever finally wins this dang contest! In tonight's penultimate singing night, we'll get even closer to our precious superior. The Androgynous Giant stomps out over the opening credits and the show is underway. Live! Smilecrest strolls on out - smiling, of course - and kicks things off. Votecrest then emerges and upbraids us once again for letting one of the good ones go.. Then Jokecrest (Man, I wish I thought of this back in February!) rags on Simon before introducing the judges. They're still the same, incidentally.
Ryan then introduces tonight's special guest judge, Clive Davis. There's simply nothing bad to say about this genius, so I won't. Seriously. Clive is top notch. Among Clive's many, many credits, he's had a part of the Kelly, Ruben and Clay albums. The man is a total genius!
Hey! The girls are here too! Jasmine, how are you feeling tonight? Nervous? Nope, she's fine. Chatcrest then asks Diana why she copied Fantasia's top tonight. Rocks, paper, scissors, silly! Ha ha ha!
Jasmine leaves the wackiness of the red couch to take the stage. If she has trouble hitting a high note tonight, it may be because that giant flower on her blouse is cutting off her air. Is that a virtual lilac? It's virtually adorable. Whoa! Double shot! Another Idol first! Jasmine singing down on Jasmine. Wonderful! And the waist chain is back. I don't know what that adds. Maybe it's a Polynesian tradition. Jasmine does in fact struggle to reach those big notes at the end, and there might be a number of factors. But I'm blaming the flower. Let's hope the kids are changing between songs. Randy and Paula tell Jasmine she's not quite there yet. Of course, she's running out of time to get there. Clive, having had to perk up a few artists through the years, has just the words for Jasmine. Simon, realizing it's pointless by now, fires off a little Buddy Hackett and smiles, eminently pleased with himself. What a start!
Gleecrest cheerfully welcomes us back and lets us know that Fantasia will be singing some Aretha. This should be fun. The dress! The big eyelashes! It's like I'm actually back in Motown, rushing to Woolworth's for Fantasia's newest record. I rush home, rip open the brown bag and just party all night. Here's what interesting. Fantasia's performance right there consisted mostly of, "C'mon, y'all!" and "Yeah, yeah, yeah!" And everybody loved it! Now that's starpower, baby! Clive loved Fantasia, which means she'd better leave Grammy Night open on her calendar so she can attend the Arista afterparty. Pitchcrest tells us how to vote for Fantasia and moves things along to Diana.
Diana, needing total freedom of movement for this energetic performance, slit her left pant leg. Just the left one. So don't expect any of her dance moves here to go to the right. If she keeps going left, she might be outside by the time the song ends. Man, that was quick. They're moving things right along tonight. Gotta get all three songs in, don't you know? Randy, Clive and Simon needed a little more from her. Perhaps on Diana's next go round, she'll slit both pant legs just to be on the safe side.
Breakcrest! Out! For now. And.we're back with the Judges' Choice portion of the evening. Paula Abdul picked some Natalie Cole for Jasmine Trias. Follow all that? Hmm. No frantic backstage, SNL-style wardrobe changes. Well, maybe she added a bracelet to round out the total to ten. Mr. Melody, won't you please vote for me? I need the help. Heyyy, Mr. Melody! Now see, that was much better than the first effort. Paula should've been choosing Jasmine's songs all year. Randy liked it better, Paula liked it, but man, Clive isn't here to mess around. He's here to find an artist to make him millions! Pleadcrest implores Jasmine fans to vote for her,
Simon picks "Fool in Love" for Fantasia. Frankly, it would be hard to pick a bad song for Fantasia. Maybe "O, Canada" would trip her up. It's not very jazzy. Dancing her way through the crowd,. See, Fantasia here, she really connects with the crowd. And that's what people want. We're simple folk! Just throw us a tiny bone and you'll own us! I don't know about you, but tonight's show sure feels like a victory lap for Fantasia. Which, too bad for me, doesn't lend itself to much comedy. Paula calls Fantasia a triple threat, which I buy. I mean, just look at the acting chops she flashed with that script I wrote for her.
During this commercial break, I can only imagine Diana's thoughts backstage. "I really, really, really need to do super good right here, y'all!" Prepare for a potential stage dive, folks. Or maybe Diana secretly arranged for some pyrotechnics. We're back and Randy drops his first name of the season. Took him a long time to get around to it. Same outfit, new pant leg slit? No, it doesn't seem so. Well, forget it then. Diana has no chance. Especially when you factor in that she's using the John Stevens stool. That thing's cursed! "I'm everything I am because you love me." Now, I don't know about the rest of you, but this fella doesn't find a line like that hot. In fact, it's creepy. You know, back up a second here, honey. Get some independence in your life. Then again, I hate being crowded and instinctively reject love and praise, so maybe it's just me. The song ends and when Randy says it was okay, the crowd groans and boos. Umm, shouldn't they be booing Diana for not coming through? What did Randy do? Besides pick the song, I mean?
By the way, we're not done yet. We still have three more songs to go. I know, I know. How do you think I feel? Crowdcrest welcomes us back and then introduces us to the Canuck Idol. Glad he could get out of that job at Paul's Records. Maybe Colin picked up his shift. "All by myself. Tomorrow night, I'll be sending in the middle of the stage all by myself." Whoa. Where'd that big note come from? And man, did it take a toll on the next note. Well, leave it all on the floor, I suppose. The four judges eulogize Jasmine and that seems like that's about it for her. Man, she's hot! And really, isn't that all that counts in today's world? I know that's how I've been getting by. Consolecrest hugs "Jazz" and ushers her aside.
Fantasia doing Whitney? Who would've ever thought? This will be nice and all, but I like Dancing Into The Stands Fantasia. The one I like to call Funtasia! I wonder if she tightened those buckles on her dress before going out there. Help her hit those big notes and all. Fantasia dominates and this thing is all but over. Emotion, people! We want emotion! In the crowd, one person's sign brags that they're a "Tasia Fan." That's one way of saying it, I suppose. Sweetcrest hugs Fantasia and sends us into yet another break. Will you people start buying stuff, already?!
We're back! And so is Diana. For the last time ever? Who knows? But look at how much drama I just injected into the recap! Diana seems to be a little flat here. A little.a-emotional. Although I don't believe that's a word. Perhaps she thinks Fantasia wrapped it up tonight? What's going through that little 17-year old brain? Besides images of Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Do chicks still like him? Is he still alive, even? The judges really liked Diana, so once again, I don't know what I'm talking about. In the crowd, a sign boasts that, "Diana has the connection." I.don't know what that means.
Surprisinglyburnedmynewjokeintothegroundcrest sends us into the wrap up of tonight's show. Remember all that stuff that just happened within the last hour? No? Well, here it is. Try to pay attention next time. Hey, tomorrow night's show will feature Tamyra Gray! Again Should I look for Eliza Dushku and Jason Priestley too? Maybe the kids from North Shore? Meth and Red? Anything could happen on.American Idol! Seacrest! Out!