Oooh ooh ooh ooh ooh! That's the theme music right there, it is. Ryan smilingly strolls out to center stage and he's possibly wearing an ascot. Is that.is it? Maybe it's just a paisley shirt. Too bad. Ascots need to broken out in today's world to let us know who's rich and who isn't. There's too much confusion these days. Rich computer guys wearing flip flops and torn cargo shorts. Kids wearing the bling and name brands. I can't tell who's who anymore! I miss the old days when the Vanderbilts and Rockefellers wore tuxedos everywhere, dressed down on weekends with an ascot and crested blazer and the rest of us suckers wore tattered rags as we shuffled through our tenements.

Ryan goes on to explain that tonight's special about the finalists is totally different from the special about the finalists two weeks ago. After tonight, we'll REALLY know who they are.

But first! We must meet the judges. Here's one of them now, Randy Jackson. Ryan first asks Randy why he's ripping off his paisley/flower shirt motif. "Why you bitin', man?" I believe were his exact words. Then Ryan launches a dialogue about the show. Through this banter, we learn that Randy thinks this is the best top 12 ever and that the level of talent has really grown this season and Fantasia's "Summertime" is Randy's favorite performance ever. Good to know! One joke about Simon and one Ryan showbiz laugh later, we know more than we ever have. Then Ryan pretends once again that he can't understand Randy's wacky, crazy street lingo. He's just so suburban! Neato!

After a little pause, r brings out Paula's vinyl pants. With Paula in them, of course. Ryan and Paula immediately set about discussing the specialness of these precious contestants. Ryan, who loves all celebrities from The Rock to Jamie Foxx equally, wholeheartedly agrees. Paula confirms that, as a former performer herself, she empathizes with the contestants the most. Ryan, ever obsessed with Simon, continues grilling Paula with questions about her tablemate. Hey, look at Ryan's jacket! Ha ha ha! Paula wraps up her chat session by reminding the kids that Idol is a competition and it's important to win. Then she predicts each of the girls will sell millions of records after this. So girls.go out there and.win so you can.sell millions of records, because if you don't win, you'll.only sell.millions of records. Hmm. Well, get out there and do it!

Now the real fun will start because here comes Simon. Get ready for pointed barbs, inside jokes, really white teeth and lots of snark about relative manliness. The boys talk about the show, call each other divas and then we're done. But here's the kicker! They're actually friends behind the scenes! Who would've thought you could get juicy celebrity gossip along with your hilarity?

Now that we know where the judges stand, which is something we could only guess at before, it's time to talk to the girls. Again. Jasmine comes out first. I know what that's like, so I imagine she's enjoying it as much as I do. Ryan wants to know how Hawaii is different from L.A. Umm.in every possible way, perhaps? I haven't seen the girls subjected to hard-hitting questions like this since I went to that entertainment press conference last week. Ooh! Hey! Jasmine doesn't have a boyfriend! Me neither! Maybe I can use our common bond to break the ice.

As we're getting down to the wire, we're getting to know even more about the girls. Who knew that was even possible? Fantasia comes strolling out next and we all wonder how long it is until Ryan breaks out his, "I don't get that urban stuff." routine. Man, Fantasia is pretty emotional for this interview. Keep that girl away from the espresso maker. Ryan asks Fantasia if she feels any pressure being a single mother and an Idol contestant. Surprisingly, the answer is yes. Who knew? Later, Fantasia mentions that one of her favorite hobbies is eating. It's not model trains, but nice nonetheless. Although when we find out part of her hobby involves chitlins, it doesn't sound as great.

Back from a little break and they're pitching the website once more, somehow without mentioning the best feature of the entire site, video clips. Oh well. Diana, how would you describe this feeling? Blown away! Hard-hitting journalism, right here on the American Idol Special #2! Whenever I hear Diana talk, I feel like she should be making lemonade and hush puppies and getting ready for the Georgia-Florida game. Instead, she's out here telling us how excited she is and how people in L.A. love to honk their horns. Which is entirely true. The jerks. Now let's all turn the beat around if you don't mind.

So that's that. Ryan promised we would get to know the contestants and he came through. We now know that Jasmine thinks Hawaii and L.A. are really different, that Fantasia feels some pressure and Diana is blown away by being on Idol. Now sure, we maybe could've guessed this stuff before, but we never really knew. Now we have confirmation!

Then we get an especially sweet moment to close out the show. An overdubbed version of "Seacrest! Out!" Like when you're watching "Midnight Run" on cable and De Niro's voice, sounding slightly different, says, "Freakin' nuts!" Beautiful.