Oh my! The day after tomorrow, I'm going to be moving far, far inland and stocking up on beans. Sure, I could buy a hybrid today and be part of the solution instead of the problem, but I like beans. Although I must say that the most shocking part of The Day After Tommorow trailer is that the flick doesn't star Jeff Goldblum as an eccentric scientist. Too bad. I was really looking forward to watching him upload a computer virus into a blizzard to save the day.
Wait. Idol is on at nine tonight. So I guess I'm not recapping the Storm Watch 2004 trailer after all. Quite a relief, because The Day After Tomorrow is like a really hot, really dumb chick. Once the talking starts, it kinda cancels out how good everything looks. And by the way, when the tornadoes actually touch down in L.A., it's too late for that U-Haul truck.
Moving on! A few minutes early, even. What kind of weird time zone am I in right now? "They've come real far. Too bad for one them. Tonight! On American Idol!" Seacrest comes out flashing the chiclets and we're underway at 8:55. To start things off right, I'm changing things up this week. I like Ryan's suit. The light suit. In fact, I wish I had one just like it. I'd head over to the Idol stage and steal it, except the sleeves would only reach the middle of my forearms. I'd look like Sonny Crockett.
Girls, all the way over there on the couch, how are you? Good? Would anybody like a beverage? A stuffed animal? Some idle Idol chatter to pad out the hour? Anyone? No? Okay, let's check out the highlights from last night. Song one, song two. Song one, song two. Donna Summer. Song one, Simon, song two. And that's about it.
After the break, the Idols visit.a psychic? Really? "Mmm.are one of you girls connected to a man named.Bill? I'm getting a Bill. Really strong. No? Brad? It's definitely a B name." "My grandfather's name was Bob!" "Okay, he wants you to know he loves you very much." Psychic Kimberley Berg says she wants to tell the girls something so they can get on stage and sing with confidence, knowing that the fans are supporting them. Perhaps Ms. Berg is going to show them Nielsen ratings and voting results. Jasmine looks skeptical at first, but when Kimberley bends Jasmine's bracelets with only the power of her mind, she becomes a true believer. Surprisingly, Kimberley only has good things to say to the girls. She doesn't tell any of them to avoid the bus or thunderstorms or anything.
Ryan, meandering through the crowd, then riffs a psychic bit of his own, but it's not nearly as awesome as mine. He's feeling stuff about the Idol tour - 52 dates! - and asks the crowd, "Are you feeling something else?" The guy in the audience next to Ryan shoots him a look that says, "Whatever you're feeling next, it better not be my leg or the elbows will be flying."
Say, would you like to see the four girls sing with disco legend Donna Summer? Is that a yes? I hope so, because that's the only answer I'll accept. So.here are Donna and the Girls singing - get this! - "Bad Girls!" Thank God we ditched George last week or this song would've been all weird. Jasmine, dressed like she has a job interview at the Aladdin Hotel and Casino lined up in case Idol doesn't work out, takes center stage and my poor, weak heart melts. You know, I'm really enjoying Donna Summer during this medley. I assume she's singing backstage, right? Oh, there she is. Hey, I wonder if they're going to make tonight's loser sing "Last Dance." Man, would that be sad. And hilarious. Not as hilarious as the thought of John Stevens on disco night, but smirk-inducing nonetheless.
So the five ladies run through "Last Dance," and I all can think about is how enjoyable it is to watch sweaty, drunk guys in the club frantically search for one last shot at a hookup when this tune starts at 1:57am. We come back from another break and, well, you're nowhere near the results. But here's what a Hollywood photo shoot looks like! Boy, La Toyer has a whole Cleopatra thing going on there. Take that as a compliment or an insult, reader's choice.
Oh! Results! Ryan tells us that they're switching things up again tonight and doing each critique individually. As opposed to.group critiques? I dunno. Seems the same to me so far. What do I know? Who cares really? Ryan finally stops yammering and we find out that Diana is safe. And that's the end of the results for now. Oh, I see. That is different. Of course, doing it this way means a girl might have to stand alone onstage for 28 minutes. But that's their problem, not ours. Before another break, here's an En Vogue song. Remember En Vogue? Sure you do, that's an easy one. But do you remember Shai? Probably not. Not so tough, are you, Mister I Love '90s R&B?
We're back and so is Clay Aiken. Again. Ryan talks about how the show took a geek from Atlanta and gave him a new haircut and here he is. I think he means Clay. So new 'do comes strutting out and I only have two thoughts. One, nice mullet. Two, wow, is this guy smug now. Look at that smirk! I mean, he makes me look like Sylvia Plath. The song ends, and I finally realize just how wonderful the world can be. And how hilarious it can be when Ryan and Clay share the whitest, most awkward soul hug of all time. "Hey, man! How is it going?"
More results! Fantasia, everybody loved you last night. On the first song. And for that, you will be punished. See you in the bottom two, whenever that happens. Ryan, juggling seven balls at once, heads back to the other side of stage to converse with Clay. Admire that smooth talent! And notice how they replaced the simple stools with plush leather chairs now that a huge celebrity needs to sit. Ryan asks Clay what he thinks of the show and he has an opinion on just about everything. I guess he's keeping up. And I'm sure he's been dutifully reading the recaps every Wednesday and Thursday too. You know, it would've been a lot funnier if Seacrest asked Clay what he thought and Clay said, "I dunno, man. I don't watch this junk anymore. I'm a star, baby!" Lastly, Clay lets us know he's working on Christmas album. But no Chanukah album.
We're back from another break, and I can only assume that we have two more results and nine more songs coming up. The Donna Summer showcase continues. Really, shouldn't this be happening at The Barbary Coast in Vegas? This is a nice rendition of "MacArthur Park" and all, right, but I'd still have to say my favorite rendition is the one Apu's niece gives at the Springfield Elementary talent show. Randy and Paula start dancing, waving their arms and getting into it. Simon, meanwhile, just sits there and thinks about where he'll holiday this summer. "I need an island. St. Kitts? No, too French."
Jasmine, last night wasn't your best work. Even Paula had something bad to say about you. And when that happens, well, you didn't do so good. La Toya, surely you don't feel threatened by Jasmine's presence, do you? Do you?! Answer me! Then we take another break. Man, it's only 9:43! We have another 15 minutes to go, and all Ryan has to say really is nine words. "Name. Name. I'm sorry, but name is going home." My back actually hurts. Are you okay? How's your face? Because it's killing me! Ho!
During the break, Sting tries to sell me a yellow vacuum. It doesn't lose suction! Then I see that FOX 5 in New York is going to try and find out what happened to Justin Guarini. Good luck. And.we're back! Remember, Diana is safe. You may have forgotten by now since you found out this afternoon. And.La Toya London is in the bottom two. The audience both cheers and boos. Choos! Beers! Hmm, actually, those are mostly boos. What a ride for Jasmine! The thrill of finding out you're safe when you brought your luggage to the studio. And then the misery of being booed like the Iron Sheik after hitting Hulk Hogan with a foreign object.
Judges? Any thoughts? Simon stabs at what to say. Paula thinks America got it wrong and Randy says, in the words of Kent Brockman, "Democracy simply doesn't work." Two Simpsons reference tonight. Hmm. Ryan asks La Toya if she expected to be here. She looks at him like he's crazy. And Fantasia just takes it in stride. Meanwhile, Idol producers try to figure out how to put the show on an electoral college system to prevent, say, certain states surrounded by water from overwhelming the voting process. Mahalo!
Back from yet another break and Ryan reminds us that Fantasia and La Toya are tonight's final two. In case, you know, you didn't see them standing there. La Toya takes the stage for her last song with the confidence of somebody who's already been contacted by multiple A&R types. Although let's wait until the song ends to see if she hurls the microphone into the crowd in a fit. The credits roll and Paula holds her hands on her head like she's a senior on a #2 seed that just got knocked out of the NCAA tournament by a #15 on a last second layup.
Well, that's that. Gosh. It's just so sad. I wonder if I'll be able to add exclamation points to the close tonight. Seacrest. Out. No, sorry.