Tonight we have four ladies left and it's disco night. Now, any guy can explain to you the pleasure inherent in walking into a disco and seeing nothing but ladies. But I'm more concerned with what the odds are that one of the girls performs "It's Raining Men" after Ryan introduces it as "Simon's favorite song." I would put the chances at somewhere around 10,000,000%. Of course, what are the chances that I'll say something original and entertaining tonight? About 0%. Seacrest's suit, anyone?
The crowd is ready, the contestants are ready, are you ready, America? I mean, I hope so. All you really have to do is sit down. Maybe pour yourself a cold drink first. Quit patting yourself on the back. The ladies take the stage and nervously smile like a row of girls waiting for.well, your approval, quite frankly.
Ryan comes out and tells us the theme is disco, then points out the simply massive disco ball hanging overhead. I hope that thing is triple rigged, because if it plummets, it'll be like when the Charlotte Coliseum first opened all over again. Then our boy wonder intros the judges with his normal pith. For example? Forget the Disco Duck, we've got the Disco Dawg. Oh, that's real nice. First Ryan takes Rick Dees' morning gig, then he mocks his claim to fame. Poor Rick Dees. Poor, poor Rick Dees. If Ryan was really on point, he could've pointed out Randy and Paula's side of the table looks like a box of Fruit Stripe gum.
Hey, guess what? Celebrity judges are back and better than ever! Tonight is Donna Summer. Donna, what are you looking for tonight? Composure. Ability. The star factor.
Donna gets all set and Ryan turns his attention to the four girls. Are you excited for disco night, ladies? Guess what? They ARE all excited for disco night! Can you believe it? Then Ryan asks Fantasia about the bobo, proving that even a smooth television host can repeat himself ad nauseum. So I'm not the only one.
Viewer alert! The judges will be commenting backwards tonight. So when Simon goes first, don't think you missed an "It was i-ight" and a "Good for you." Not that you couldn't just replay those comments from a past episode in your mind anyway.
Jasmine comes firing out to start the show. Hey, did you know that crimped hair is back? Sorta. Maybe they only wanted to crimp half the head tonight to see how it went over. Hopefully it goes over as well as her leather catsuit. And no matter how it goes over, it'll certainly go over better than her performance, which was.let's say.not that strong tonight. Simon, leading off for a change, tells Jasmine she was probably in trouble before she started and that she's definitely in trouble after. Donna? Care to follow that up? She doesn't, but she puts a lot of Neosporin on Jasmine's wounds. Ryan walks over to offer some support to "Jazzy Trias" and tells America to vote for "Jazzy" if they like her. Then he promises more disco from "Jazz" later. I simply can't wait.
Words are flying across the screen. I heard "idolonfox!" Is this the night? Nope. Still no mention of America's favorite buddy. Moving on, it's La Toya's turn to get funky. Or at least as funky as La Toya will allow herself to get. She likes to carry herself like she's above the fray. You know, simply too classy to dance. On another note, I'm looking at La Toya's bean right now, and it seems like somebody was running wild with the crimper backstage. You could be next! I have to say, I'm really surprised that with those earrings on, La Toya isn't singing "Car Wash." They look just like the soapy curtains your car goes under. Simon, calling her La Toyer, complains that as good as she is, he doesn't know her personality. Go broadband, honey! Branch out! Donna Summer, pulling another positive comment out of her pocket, compliments La Toya. It would be a lot of fun if the arrows on Paula's dress pointed up for a good performance and down for one she didn't like. This country needs interactive clothing! Randy.ooh.ah.eh.uh.old, baby! Over with Ryan, La Toya points out that there's no pressure because everybody is going to go on from Idol to have a career. So get out there and vote, people! It's incredibly important!
Maybe Fantasia can bring some pep to the show. Her earrings could make an excellent teaching tool in an Astronomy class. "And this is how the moon orbits the Earth." It's like thunder! Lightning! And now my dog just ran under the bed. Fantasia goes into the crowd, pushes somebody down, sits on the stage, now this is energy! This is what I paid nothing to see! Simon deftly shoots down La Toya's politically correct American attitude and points out that the competition can only have one winner. This isn't one of those peewee soccer games where they don't keep score. Paula tells Fantasia that she didn't just simply knock on the wood, she karated through it. Perhaps she's suggesting "Kung Fu Fighting" for Fantasia's second song. Because, you know, those cats were fast as lightning. In fact, it was a little bit frightening.
Are you ready for Diana DeGarmo? Well.get ready. Stretch or something. Because here she is. Umm, I'm finding that I don't really have anything to say about this performance. Her hair is really blond. Her dress is flouncy. But I guess those comments aren't performance-related. I dunno. It's pleasant enough. It's certainly not objectionable. It's just.so polished. I guess that's what happens when a 17-year old is an 11 year showbiz vet. Simon lauds Diana's PRO-gress. Randy compliments her for, yo, working it out. Ba-dow!
Before we go, let's go back to the judges for one last comment. Judges, what would you like to say? LA TOYA! FANTASIA! DIANA! JASMINE! Now go out and vote!
Blown away yet? I hope not, because each girl has one more song left in her. Tie yourself to the couch if necessary. I know I'm shackled in tight. We're back from a break and Ryan and Paula 1-2 Simon with a joke like Burns and Gracie. Hey! Here's "It's Raining Men!" But my prediction about Ryan's Simon bit fell to pieces! Dang, I can't get anything right. Jasmine, freshly changed but still crimped, vows to let herself get soaked in the raining men. And I tell you what, those storm sound effects sure are getting a workout. Maybe they were expensive and the show wants to get its money's worth tonight. Anyway, we all should congratulate Jasmine's moxie for even bothering to come out for her second song after listening to the judge's comments tonight. Will this performance be as useless as a Wednesday night effort? I guess we'll find out. Simon, fearing that Jasmine actually will be cut tomorrow, tries to get in a few last shots. Donna says Jasmine tried her best, which always seems like a backhanded compliment to me. Paula, arrows pointing way down on her dress, tries to find the positive. "Jazzy! Thank you very much. Would you like to rub my shiny jacket for good luck?" Then Jasmine starts crying and we all feel bad. I mean, really bad. Until the commercials start.
La Toya, wearing something that resembles a loosened straitjacket, begs us to not leave her this way. So, you know, don't. Man, she follows a roaming camera better than Seacrest. La Toya is singing this song with enough conviction to make you think she actually is a bad breaker upper. But the judges love her so much they might never find out.
Back from the break and Control Room Ryan keeps talking about how American Idol promised the funk tonight. The whole funk. Nothing but the funk. So.it's funk night with special guest judge George Clinton? Maybe he's accidentally reading next week's segue.
Fantasia comes out in desperate search for a hero. May I suggest myself? Although I've never saved anybody from a fire or a car wreck or anything, I have reached hero status among snarky twenty-somethings. Hopefully attractive snarky twenty-something. I don't know, I don't receive a lot of photos. Oh. This song is more about a good man, not an actual hero. Hmm. Okay, take me off the list then. Keeping the tribute to astronomy going in her lobes, Fantasia is now sporting Saturn earrings. Carl Sagan would be proud. Except he's dead. The judges seem mostly confused by Fantasia's song choice. I guess frenetic movement isn't enough for this panel.
For the night's last song and most naked pander, Diana takes on a Donna Summer classic. And we all know how much Donna loves it when somebody sits for the start of the song and then jumps up to get things rolling, so Diana is really ahead of the game. Hey, aren't those Fantasia's clothes? "Enough is enough is enough! I can't go on now!" I was just thinking the same thing. Simon calls it the best song of the night. Donna, shockingly, loved it. And the rest of the judges were happy too. So everybody's happy! Except for the other three girls, of course, but let's not worry about them right now.