Ten. It's a nice round number. It's easily divisible and simple to multiply by. It comes between nine and eleven. There are a lot of good things about the number ten. Of course, next week I'll be trying to espouse the great values of nine, because that's how many kids we'll have left after tonight. Heartless? Perhaps. Mathematically true? Quite.
Of course, we won't know who the unlucky number ten is for another half hour, so let's see if we can fill our few remaining minutes together this week with jibes about Seacrest's beauty routine and people in the audience.
Bomp. Bomp. Last night, the ten finalists sang. Tonight, we're blinding you with a pulsing white light so you can't see that the kids are arranged in three different groups according to height. Seacrest jumps out wearing a ragged denim shirt. Too bad he doesn't have acid washed jeans and a cell phone clipped to his belt to go with that. Accountant Chic! Seacrest points out that we had 20 million something last night. That goes into a summary of last night, which I already covered most excellently, so I'll just tune this out and read some of my highly complimentary fan mail. Speaking of which, keep on reminding me how amazing I am. I'm completely hollow inside and need constant praise to make it through the day, so thank you.
Group performance! JPL's Ryan Atwood hair takes center stage with John Stevens and George flanking him. Hey, you know what? We have three guys and seven girls left. JPL, John and George are like the three astronauts from Amazon Women On The Moon. Totally surrounded by sexy ladies! Ain't no mountain high enough! Ain't no group performance dazzling enough! The song closes, Seacrest mocks the kids for not having a backup showbiz job besides Idol (like, say, Ryan Seacrest) and then we break. A lot going down in the first seven minutes.
The putt putt podium comes out and it's time for some dang results already. Fantasia, here's a handy summary of your night. You're fine. JPL you're safe. Jasmine, you have a seemingly endless supply of flowers. It is spring, I suppose. Anyway, you're safe too. Huffmaster Flex, or Huff Daddy as a friend of mine might say, you're safe. Amy, new makeup and hair can make a real difference in people's lives. Not yours, unfortunately, because you're in the bottom three again tonight. The crowd gives Amy a rousing ovation. Jennifer Hudson. Remember when you were in the bottom three last week? So you know how it goes then. Come on over here. Your Chairman Mao jacket cannot save you now. The audience gives her a rousing ovation as well. You know, if you really want to support Amy and Jennifer, I think you should vote for them, not just clap. But hey, that's me. Diana, you're downright cherubic tonight. And you're safe. Camile, you look terrified. But you're safe! John Stevens. La (space) Toya. If you don't like this tension, you can get out.
We're back and joining the bottom three tonight is.La (space) Toya? Really? All right then. Judges, what do you think about this? Randy and Simon are shocked. Simon doesn't think Americans should be allowed to vote anymore, but anyway, let's put this mess behind one of the contestants. La (space) Toya, get back to where you belong! We'll see you next week, baby doll.
Amy, how do you feel right now? inquires Seacrest. Um, I'm guessing not good. He'd make quite a local reporter. "This is Ryan Seacrest, KPLF Buffalo and I'm on the scene. Excuse me, ma'am, your house just burned down. What are you thinking right now?" Here's a news flash for you: Amy Adams is done. She lasted two weeks longer than Vanessa Olivarez, seven weeks less than Nikki McKibbin. And to close the show, Amy dances right out into the street.