Big show tonight. Big. You hear me? Well, of course you do, so now we're on the same page. Why so big, you ask? Simply because it's boldly titled "X"? Sorta. But mainly because the Funk Brothers are the house band tonight and they've worked on many, many hits that are suitable for singing in the car. Or playing at your mom's 50th birthday party.
Things get underway and Ryan jaunts out in a suit you wouldn't want to drink cranberry juice in. A little piece about the Bros. Funk and then Ryan introduces the kids. It seems like the Extension Fairy visited the mansion last night, leaving longer hair for all of the good girls. In fact, most of the kids are sporting new or at least new-ish locks tonight. All except John Stevens, who seems permanently locked into the short, red look.
Solid! Solid as a rock! Solid as baggy leather pants! Solid! Special guest judges Ashford & Simpson have written many solid songs and they're here too. This party is in danger of slipping out of control! What a guest list!
Kicking off the singing tonight are the magical wristbands of Camile Velasco, which immediately instruct us to give it up for the band. I mean, we already did, but sure, one more time is doable! Please proceed to give it up silently at home. Camile's performance is then sent to the judges table -- and there's a Yugoslavian style difference of opinion. Some loved it, some hated it. And isn't that what makes this country great?
JPL is up next, wearing a leather jacket with very deliberate, pronounced stitching and one of Seacrest's old t-shirts. You know the ones with some random message on them? This one says.Yo? You? Yo Wher? Where? There's like ten words on that thing. Yo, Where All The Ladies At, Buddy Find Em Now? And what happened to JPL's Ryan Atwood from The O.C. hair? And another thing.oh, the song's over. Judges? the judges are not pleased.
Third tonight is La Toya London. Her hair grew fifteen inches and turned red this week. La Toya decides to slow things down after the wildness of Camile and JPL. Will it work? That would be a good teaser. Too bad the song is happening now and we all know the answer.
We're back and Ryan is out in the crowd standing next to a gal holding a sign reading "KLo Nation." I have no idea what that's about, who it's for or even what show it's about. But good luck! Anyway, it's time for Amy Adams, and it looks like the professional make up artist was treated by other pros this week. I.oh, there's her boyfriend. Never mind. Judges? Eh.
Next up is John Stevens, who immediately lets us know he's going to be using the RJ Helton as his main dance move tonight. Up. Down. Then back again. And again. Randy, untouched by the dance fever, scorches John Stevens. Simon, determined to make John Stevens walk home tonight, completely skewers him. But he's not done! Simon has a point to add about Camile, but when a frisky audience member shouts him down from the back, he calls it a night. At least as far as John Stevens is concerned. So, ladies and gentlemen, let it be known forever more that shouting at and booing opinions you disagree with are acceptable forms of discourse, and will quite often win you an argument.
A heat wave is coming! A heat wave of Jennifer Hudson! You know, come to think of it, I'm pretty sure Kimberley Locke did this number last year. And I'm even more sure that I made the same joke then. Hmm. I'll have to have my assistant go down into the archives tonight to check on that one. I can't be repetitive. Hey, Jennifer has extensions! The song ends and we're all pleased that the strong yellow light from the backdrop didn't kill the band. Hey! Julia DeMato is in the crowd! The judges, they like Jennifer.
Jasmine Trias is going to cover a song written by Ashford & Simpson now. Always dangerous. I mean, you're opening yourself to a criticism like, "Hmm, I liked it better when I was in the studio with Marvin Gaye on this one." But it's bold! Jasmine comes out and immediately proceeds to flirt with the bass player. Always the best band member to flirt with. Proven fact that the bass player is the coolest guy in any band, as my man Bert Windell can attest. Ashford really liked Jasmine's performance, which should count for a WHOLE lot, and Simon was a fan too. And nobody shouted at him this time! Everybody wins!
Diana DeGarmo, having borrowed Jennifer Lopez's old hair, is up next. Do we love her? Now that she can dance? Well, frankly, she'll have to prove it first. Anybody can say they can do the mashed potato. But you have to actually mash to impress me! Hey! There's Matt Rogers in the crowd! Doing the. Shoulder Boom-Bip? That was something, all right! The song ends and everybody is happy they got a chance to dance. Chance to dance! Rhyming romance! Fourth Beastie Boy, right here, folks. The judges love Diana and you know what I just noticed? Hold on, it's coming up. Only one of Ashford & Simpson speaks each time. How do they decide? Did they split evens and odds? Telepathically decide beforehand? Somebody get to the bottom of this.
Fantasia's turn. Now THAT is a sweater. Fantasia proves that when you have a big-collared sweater you have confidence, turning out an energetic, fun performance. How do I know that? Because the judges loved it and that's good enough for me. Then again, I don't demand much.
George Huff ain't too proud to beg. Unlike, say, me. Please give me a cookie! George, carrying a dish towel and doing the patented George Bounce, sings and sings and sings until he's done. George, full of joy, pulls a Fat Vegas Elvis and tosses his sweaty towel into the crowd. We can only assume a girl shrieked and swooned upon catching it. Good for her. And George. The judges love George. But you knew that already, didn't you?
Closing the show, Ryan, using one of his three microphones, implores us to vote for our favorites tonight, so please, get all over that. Seacrest! Out.