For the past three Tuesdays, we've gathered in a celebration of singing and phoning and text voting and making moderately amusing, overly sarcastic comments about people with more moxie than we'll ever have. And we've settled into a comfortable routine. So repeating the process again tonight should be no problem, right? Right? Right!
The pressure is on. Can they handle it? Mmm, I'll say some yes, some no. That way, I'm covered no matter what happens. Hedging my bets? Afraid to take a definitive stand? Eh. Sorta. Ryan comes out to start the show and I'm mortified to discover that we're wearing the exact same thing tonight. Well I put it on first! You change!
Ryan heads back into the lounge, eagerly showing off his mastery of walking and talking at the same time. He loves flexing that muscle. First up tonight is Suzy Vuluvulahlah. Spelled Vulaca. Suzy Vulaca is also the name of my favorite Lucha Libre female grappler, so she's got that going for her. And the Guarini hair is a second item in the plus column. Suzy turns it out and the judges love her improvement since the last time they saw her. So if you want to vote for Suzy Vulllllllllllalah, it's idols-01. Not until after the show!
We then come back for Justice John Preator. The third John of the third season of Idol. Coincidence? Or obvious sign of an impending apocalypse.? And how does a Jonah factor into all of this? Where are the answers?!? John Preator, he of the bleached hair and black clothing, how will he do? John vows to be real. Really real. Judging from the strain showing on his face, John is giving 110% in this performance. No! 115%! Amp it up, baby! The song ends and Randy is quite relieved. Simon tells John he'd be perfect for Ice Dancing Idols, so it's time to take some skating lessons.
Heather Piccinini is up now. Heather comes out wearing a pair of tough pink pants and if you think that's an oxymoron, you'll just have to trust me. Heather looks like Jillian Barberie, performs like Kimberly Caldwell and at the end is loved by the judges like William Hung. Randy thinks she's a hotel lounge singer and Simon hopes that he never has to stay in that hotel. Oh, Simon! Booooooooo! Ohhhhhhhhhh! Before the break, Ryan reminds us that you can't vote until after the show. After! After!
Following a pause of a perfect length, we come back with Conan John Stevens, who's a fan of the crooning game. A lot of kids these days are clamoring for a return to suits and big bands and cocktails and a dusty, dangerous Vegas, and John Stevens is here to answer their calls. Is this? Is it? It is! Billy Joel! Randy and Paula wanted more energy, more Rat Pack. Maybe even some Brat Pack. Simon didn't like it but he likes John, so there's something.
Next up is Jasmine Trias and the flower in her hair. Have I mentioned that I like Hawaii and all things Hawaiian? I think I have, but I really only have four things to talk about, so you'll have to bear with some repeats. Hey, Jasmine got her braces off! Randy wasn't so sure about Jasmine and threw out his pitch thing again. Paula really liked it and Simon likes her button cuteness, which was turned up to Factor 6 tonight.
Now we have George Huff, who is possibly the nicest guy in the universe. I'd like to hang out with George and let him do all the talking for us so people think we're both great. Simply ride the coattails of his kindness. George flips omelettes for a living. The Denver omelette has ham, cheese, peppers and onions. Which George surely knows. George opts to use the mic stand, which has paid dividends in the past. Randy calls him the best male singer yet, which hey, that's nice to hear. Paula loves a fellow nice person, of course, but Simon doesn't know if George is a star.
Following George is Lisa Wilson, who we all remember from her escapades in the hot tub with "Luke from The O.C". Lisa...um...yells a little bit! Randy calls her on that and Paula concurs. Simon has never seen anyone open their mouth so wide before.
Lastly we have Tiara Purifoy. Remember, when traveling south of the Equator, always Purifoy your water. Ugh. I can't believe I just did that. I should start writing material for the opening monolog of the Oscars. Tiara decided to go with satin pants tonight to allow for maximum slideyness. And it pays off with an energetic performance. Not for Simon though. He described Tiara's performance as a mess. Which is...you know...succinct.
Group four is done! Except for two of them. And any that might come back for the wild card round. But the rest of them, they're done. Just like our time together here.