Well, tonight's episode is going to run two hours, which is going to push my brain and wrists to the absolute limit of thinking and typing. I have enough trouble filling up a 30-minute show recap with fresh material, so you can basically forget about this one. At least the first 1/8th will be good. If I come up with something super funny in the next six words. Waiting... waiting... waiting... waiting... waiting... nope.
It is on in Hollywood. These are the most famous faces in America? I mean, they're nice and all, but what about G. Washington? He's on money! Bills and coins! Anyway, doo doo doo ah ah ha ah ah. That's the theme music. A grinning Seacrest flexes the stage lights and it's very colorful indeed. And here they are, your American Idol finalists, in no discernible order! Besides guy/girl, that is. And here are the judges, sitting in their normal order. Hi, hi and hi.
Tonight's theme is soul. Excuse me, soooouuuuullllllll! Get up! Get on up! Like a lovin' machine! First up is La Toya London, representing Oaktown 357. And drinking tea with her mother. So sweet. Did you know that Latoya used to sing at weddings?. Did you know that Latoya has new hair? Well, she does. And it's spiky. Ish. Are you looking at the size of that backdrop? It's like a mega plasma screen Elvis would buy three of. The song ends, the judges love it to the millionth degree and Latoya feels like a star. Mission accomplished.
Welcome back! Figuratively. Next up is Amy Adams, who hails from Bakersfield. If you don't know, it's in the middle of nothing, California. During Amy's family piece, I look for her sarcastic brother Jack, but he's nowhere to be found. They do have a lot of dogs though. Finally it's time for Amy to sing. Is that a tie holding up her shirt? Two ties? Just around her bare neck? A shirt made out of ties? What's going on here? Amy finishes her song and the judges say it was aiight for a goofball. A little boring, perhaps. In so many words, you know. Then Simon gets booed. I'm not sick of that yet, seriously.
That brings us to Matt Rogers who, you may or may not know, played football once. And was on Family Feud. Survey says...Matt! As we learn in the piece, Matt is a man who isn't afraid to wear a tuxedo vest with nothing underneath. And here's Matt in a bubble bath. I...uh...wow. That's a lotta bubbles over a lotta man. I'm still alive, so I guess seeing something like that won't in fact kill me. Surprising. Anyway, Matt makes full use of the stage during his performance and the audience eats it up. But the judges? A little. Not bad.
We sure are learning a lot about these kids' lives tonight. If they ran a feature on me, it would just be a guy in his shorts on the couch drinking a Coke and eating a block of mozzarella. And it would be the most popular piece of all time! In my house. Fourth up is the quite reserved Camile Velasco. Camile used to work at a restaurant. I could go for a BLT now. How are those two ideas connected? The caps, that's about it. Camile gives a nice performance and then it's over. That's the fact, Jack! The judges were okay with it. Opening night jitters, perhaps? Not for me though.
Now that we're on the live shows, Seacrest is free to roam the crowd, his most comfortable habitat. The time has now come for Jon Peter Lewis, who might be my favorite tri-name since Charles Nelson Reilly. Or perhaps Phillip Seymour Hoffman. JPL works at a nursery. The plant kind, not the baby kind. Stylistically, JPL is going for the ragamuffin look tonight, what with the un-tucked shirt and the wild mane of hair. He gives his performance a little countrified twang and a little of the RJ Helton bounce dance and all are pleased.
Following in those deep footsteps is Fantasia, who seems like a whole lot of fun. Man, can you imagine your mom being a preacher and yelling at you? Make your head spin! And the Lord said...go to your room! Fantasia comes out rocking the pinstripes, which is a look I'm all for. I'm wearing pinstriped socks as we speak. Fantasia lets it all hang out and the audience loves it. The judges? Them too.
TVG! As in George Huff. George is from New Orleans, LA, but points out that down there they say Nawlaw or something. When George comes out to perform, get ready to see the Dip. But don't look for that mustache! It's gone, baby! Dip, shave, dip, shave. George's song is "Sitting On The Dock Of The Bay" in case you couldn't tell from the giant ocean shot behind him. Look at that screen! After finishing his number, George very politely stands there for the judges' critiques, which are all positive. George!
Jennifer Hudson, it's your turn. Her high school has constructed a museum in her honor. My high school has done the same thing. Well, more specifically, they still haven't taken down the science textbook of mine that somebody threw on the school roof in '92. It's still just hanging over the edge. Great throw. Anyway, Jennifer 86ed the pink tonight in favor of Seacrest style clothes. Jennifer blows it out and the judges eat it up, except for Simon, who dislikes all the effort tonight. Or extra effort at least. So don't try as much, kids!
Seacrest, hanging out in the control nest now, starts fiddling with the lights. Fresh! But that's not important because now we're about to get a dose of John Stevens, wearing his best Sunday suit. Hey, look! Skinny ties are back! A couple more months and I can break out my bolo. I absolutely blew John's mind across the room during our little sit down. It was two weeks ago, hopefully enough time for John to recover and get the confused look off his face. Like he's never seen an incredibly human-like ventriloquist's dummy before. John starts off his ballad sitting on a stool. Randy was bored to tears. But Paula and Simon liked it, so cheers to that!
Leah LaBelle's parents used to be in a musical troupe, The Flying Treble Notes. Dig those jackets! Leah has straightened her hair tonight and it is a good, good thing. She finishes her intergalactic planetary performance and people clap. Not the judges though. Well, I mean, they clapped. But they didn't mean it. Simon takes it a step further and tells her to hit the bricks. Oof.
More island rhythms now, this time for Jasmine. Jasmine's entire family tries to take credit for her talent, which is incredibly adorable. Man, I'm losing steam. I need a...a... something good. Maybe I need a flower in my hair because Jasmine seemingly has tons of steam. Listen to that little girl go. Aloha! The judges liked...so...so tired. Help me.
Help me by rocking, Diana DeGarmo! Let your curly locks go wild! Diana is from Snellville, which sounds like a place where comic book characters live. Diana goes to Shiloh High, where the school Civil War re-enactment team has won three state titles, the last coming over their hated rivals, Bull's Gap Senior and Junior High School. On another note, Diana does help me by rocking. Lots of energy, lots of lights on the stage, lots of praise from the judges.
So that's about it. Actually, that's entirely it. Jaded! Out! What is that, anyway? Besides the obvious, I mean.