So tonight we have a very special show. It's chockablock of interesting people performing. Like the Olympics in Canada.
We start off with a barnstorming tour of the audition cities, and surprisingly, every town has a LOT of fascinating singers. Say, for instance, a girl with a fedora and a rolling suitcase packed with ventriloquist toys. I think this is exactly what the American public has been clamoring for. Or at least what Senor Wences has been clamoring for. And now here she is! In the studio! With her dog!
Kenisha Harold takes us into the break. And Kenisha is – you guessed it – not so good! Back from a break, Ryan tells us you need confidence. And Andre Agassi's little brother has tons of it. The next guy has a wispy beard, imposing choppers, dress pants and sandals. Surprisingly, he's no good, though not for a lack of confidence.
You know, watching this, I'm thinking maybe it's not so nice to laugh at people. But then I take a deep breath and the feeling passes. And I would never laugh at Martha Krabill because she's so optimistic. And also because she has Airborne training and could probably storm my apartment in the dead of night to take me out. She and Ryan have a nice chat and then Ryan asks if we'd like to hear her perform. Well, no. She got cut. No wait! The answer is yes. And here she goes. I feel like Bob Hope should've introduced this act. It's like a USO piece in '43.
Ryan reminds us again that confidence goes a long way. Then we see a Hawaiian girl loudly singing her song. I guess that's a form of confidence. And here she is! Paula Fuga! With a ukulele. Paula then regales us with some island rhythms in a song about people being rejected from Idol. It's quite pleasant. Add some trade winds and I'm having a good time.
Next up is Joey Wong and his orange hair. In his audition, Simon asks Joey what he has that's unique. Rather than answering "Slicked back orange hair,"Joey demurely answers "Nothing."
So, you know, Ryan stands right by the audition doors to capture folks' immediate reaction. Sometimes that's not such a good idea. You could get punched. Or yelled at. Or Simon could get yelled at through you. Or you could get tears on your shoulder. But the real danger seems to be working the camera in the confession booth. Now that's a place where things get nuts. Lonnie got cut once, but Lonnie is undeterred and here he comes again. Looking back at Lonnie's audition, he sure likes to curse. But Danny's sorry about the blue streak and to apologize he's going to sing a lounge version of "America the Beautiful."Sometimes, Ryan reminds us, a person's voice doesn't match their face. Usually in a bad way. But you know what's a good sartorial move we see in this piece? Dying your hair blond and tucking your tie into your belt.
Hey, remember Scat Girl? Man, she was not so god. But here she is again, just to perform for us. A lack of humility seems to be an overriding theme tonight. Which reminds me of how great and funny I am. Although I must admit, I do have a soft spot in my heart for "The Neutron Dance."
If you're thinking about auditioning next season – because, you know, you got it – don't be like these people. Don't bounce, don't shake your head, don't draw out your notes, don't stand perfectly still. Basically, just don't. Whatever you were thinking would be a good thing to do, just don't.
Ryan teases us into the break with a promise of William Hung. It gets a huge whoooo! Pop culture phenomenons usually do. For at least a few months. And now the moment you've been waiting for. Because you're mean and you like to laugh at people. Myself, I like to applaud William's indefatigable spirit. William, what's it like being the most famous college student since Brooke Shields? Or maybe that one daughter from Roseanne? What's it like having a security detail take you to a CAD class for your engineering degree? It's all nice, is the answer. Then we get some audience questions. "What's it like being famous?""No, really, what's it like being famous?""Say, I'm an engineering student too. What's the formula for calculating tensile strength again?"
Then William sings. And it's just as bad – or good – as we remembered. But now he has hot cheerleaders, and that is a big, big, BIG plus.
And that's it. We laughed, we laughed and we laughed some more. Man, some people just don't got it. Not me though. I'm aces.