For the first time in its rich and storied two-year history, American Idol has made a jaunt to the islands. The show decided to visit the state capital, Honolulu, located on the lush shores of O'ahu, home to Pearl Harbor, palm trees and sugar fields. And I decided to visit a Travel Hawai'i brochure to steal some flowery copy for this introduction. Did you know that Polynesians first settled the islands of Hawai'i around 1500 or so? And that another volcanic island is currently being formed and will crest the ocean's surface thousands of years from today? And that the Hawaiian alphabet only has about 16 letters? Wow! This column just became hilarious AND educational. Educarious!
So, Air Idol touches down in Honolulu, where Simon is greeted by a bunch of little squirt hula dancers. And all the semi-witty punsters watching the show snicker and scream "Simon just got lei'd! Hee hee!" Congratulations, smart guys, on inventing a new joke. Judging from the early looks, the Hawaiians seems to be very friendly, and it's possible that they all know each other. Sonny Kapu starts us off. At least his velour hat matches his velour jacket. And he can play the ukulele. Oh, the singing? Well...it was entertaining at least. And now we will scream.
Keefelynne Aipia. I just wanted to spell that for myself. Her performance was a little rigid. And bad. Over in the holding pen, Ryan Farrar tries to lead a rousing rendition of "Take Me Out To The Ballgame." For some reason. I know for a fact this guy tried out in the first season. I'm kinda sure he yelled "Bohemian Rhapsody" for his audition.And I'm pretty sure he wore some silly outfit. And I'm definitely sure he hasn't improved in the last two years. Next up is Sleepy Jon Peter, who dressed in a tribute to Michael Douglas from "Falling Down." My favorite thing about J.P. Lewis is that he's a huge fan of mine, and really, who can blame him? I feel the same way. After making it through to the next round, Jon Peter heads into the lobby to get all freaky with the chicks. It's like watching Ben Stiller in the trailer for "Along Came Polly." And by that I mean, disturbing.
Back in Hawai'i and we have another ukulele. You know, when I was in Hawai'i last summer, the entire time I listened to a radio station that played nothing but uke music. And I loved it! Which brings us to Paula Fuga, who is an Idol hopeful, not a fish. That would be opakapaka, which I ate as often as I could. Which turned out to be quite often.
Then we move onto a guy singing "Me And Christopher Robin." To make the song extra clear, the guy dressed up as Winnie the Pooh. Again, two days outside in a long line just to dress up as a furry. Disturbing. But not as disturbing as the dance magic enthusiasm of Isaac Staudinger. Simon rejects Isaac and then plays the new Idol subcontest called "Prove It Outside," by sending Isaac to the beach to further embarrass himself. It didn't work for Rasheedah and it won't work for Ike. Although the people on the beach enjoy Ihis performance, proving that a day at the beach puts folks in a REALLY good mood.
Back from a break and Ryan's back on the beach. Where's Mitch Baywatch, I must ask? And why come to Hawai'i if all most of the contestants are from the mainland? We couldn't uncover Orange Man in his native land of Columbus, Ohio? But here's a native! Crystal Akana enthusiastically bounces into her audition sporting a freshly airbrushed shirt, which we all know is the height of painted fashion. Crystal doesn't make it and Cowboy Randy says hey man, that's the way it is sometimes. Yeehawloha!
Then the show says aloha for a break, and aloha again as we return from a break. Because, you see, aloha means both hello and goodbye. And probably three other things. But for most of the singers trying out in Honolulu, aloha only means goodbye as their pop career hopes as dashed on the volcanic rocks behind the judges. But not Clifford Iokia! Two of out three judges liked him, and that's good enough for us! Could we possibly have two good auditions in a row? Probably not, considering that Matthew Motter seems to have a little touch of the crazies. "If you didn't believe in me, then come here for yourself!" Hear for yourself? Either way, I have no idea what he's getting at. But ladies, Matty is looking for a girlfriend, so if you like fleece vests, bad singing and proclamations that make no sense, drop Matthew a line!
The commercials are over and we see a bunch of odd talents such as impersonating a goat, a monkey, a crying baby and giving birth to triplets. Which is all fine and good, but it's no beat boxing. Jonah Moananu gives Biz Markie a run in both making the music with his mouth and sheer size. But remember, nobody beats the Biz! Jonah is a decent singer and seems like a super guy, so through to the next round he is.
Before another spot break, we get another tease that a model is coming. Perhaps she missed the tryouts for America's Next Top Model, or simply fears the melting face of Janice Dickinson. Whatever it is, Idol has a model coming up next, so pay attention, schlubs! Okay, we're back and here's the model, Lisa Wilson. I like pretty chicks, so right away she has a small following. Perhaps that will grow when she moves to Hollywood.
That effectively wraps up another season of bad auditions. So now the only funny moments for the rest of this Idol season will come right here in the recap. It's an Idol exclusive!