After two days of intensive auditioning, thirty contestants were cut. Tonight, the judges must decide on the finalists, one of whom will become your next.American Idol! By the way, I didn't write that, I lifted it straight from Seacrest. Work smarter, not harder, I always say.
Day three and the contestants are still uberconfident. Conversely, Simon and Randy are ready for them all to become a disaster. With some time to kill, the contestants decide to name their groups, as if that will make a difference. I give them some names myself, but I probably won't make them public.
Singing time is here. But before we start, "Don't forget the words. Don't forget the words." Randy? "Don't forget the words." Okay, so we all know the rule for today! Don't forget the.uh.whatever. Ah, corny jokes! The old fallback. The Hawaiian trio of Kapalua, Kahalui and Kohala-Kona kick things off with a rhythmic little ditty that was pleasant enough, but as Simon points out, we need more than pleasant enough. More!
Next up are three guys with bleached hair who are wearing all black. See, if I was around, I would've told them to name their group something sassy and obvious like Black and Blonde. Instead, they had no cool group name, no panache, no grip on the lyrics, no nothing. "And now, I don't know why this is rooooooooo!" And to top it all off, they all had bleached hair. So the day was a total loss. Which must've come as a shock to Michael Keown, who guaranteed that he'll be in the top three this year. Of course, we all thought it was silly when Nikki McKibbin made that same guarantee in Season One, and look who had the last laugh there.
Next up is the No Words Singers and Dancers. "Gonna huh huh hmm mmm. Mmm mmm!" Although in fairness to Alan Ritchson, he does do his best work with his shirt off, and I don't think the judges were allowing that today. "Never gonna give.uhh.mmmm.oh, this tight t-shirt is so constricting!" "No, Alan! Leave it on!"
Jesus, Matt and George are on deck. Jesus is still indignant that Matt and George preferred sleep over repetitive practice. Naturally, Jesus will excel right now while Matt and George wipe the sleep out of their eyes and forget the words, right? Right. Except the exact opposite happened. Jesus Roman pulled a Noel Roman and blew it. Maybe he was too tired. But his hatted partners tore the roof off the place. Sorta. Okay, not at all. But they still gave the best performance we've seen yet.
Okay, kids, don't forget the words! You've seen other groups do it and you know how it makes the judges angry. And nobody wants to see angry judges. So DON'T.FORGET.THE.ah, nuts. Way to close things out, boys.
The girls are up now. Are girls smarter than boys? I guess we're about to find out. But really, after seeing so many groups flub the words before your audition, you'll make sure you're perfect, right? Well, Elizabendy and Dina and Leah were real nice. But they had a '70s eras Bulgarian pop star helping them out, and that would give anybody a leg up. But the judges loved it, just like 1976 Bulgaria loved hearing "Zgahgstav Pop!" on Radio Klozlov.
The record today seems to be stuck at one good performance in a row as the second group of girls completely flames out. Meleanah spent a lot of time walking around the auditorium, not a lot of time learning her lyrics. Well, she'll have all the time she wants to walk around now, because she probably won't be doing much more singing.
Maybe if we add a fourth member to a group that will get things back on top. Well, not really. Is it possible that we'll only have 14 finalists this year? If we're going on merit, it seems like it'll be the case. You know, in fairness to these kids, I was sitting in the auditorium on this particular day, and I have a glow about me, so it's possible that most of the kids were distracted by seeing a huge celebrity bathed in a pleasant yellow light.
Something was definitely going on, because we see another bunch of girls who can only remember the words "Yeah!" and "Oh!" So now the judges have an incredibly, incredibly, incredibly difficult decision to make. Namely, can they find 57 people good enough to keep around for another day? Well, it couldn't have been that hard because they only needed ten minutes to figure out which thirty to cut. You, step forward. You, step back. You, go home. You, stay. You, go get me a cold drink. Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. Everybody takes it fairly well, except for Michael Keown, who has a few last thoughts. A few last meaningless thoughts. "But you liked my first audition!" Right, we did. So goodbye then. The good news, I just collected $20 on my Michael Keown won't make the final three bet. I'm having a big steak lunch today, boys!
It's the final day and according to Seacrest, most of the contestants are feeling confident. Of course, the 60 that have been cut earlier this week felt the same way. Anyway, today the groups are gone. It's a singer, a mic, a stage and a chance at success or disaster. Big Jonah starts things off with a.performance. It doesn't really deserve an adjective.
Leah Vladowski, who as we all know, comes from that starry Bulgarian pop lineage, she's nice. Not to Simon. But to the rest of us. Later we have Erskine Walcott, looking quite dapper. I mean, that is a sweet hat. The tie? The whole thing, I love it! Fantastic look! Amy Adams is really tall. I just noticed that now. And what an important observation it was.
The singing is done and they line up the kids one last time so Simon can yell at them. Then he tempers it with something nice. He's the master of the carrot and the stick. So now the judges will convene once again, reconvene if you will, and lop another 25 people off the total. Twenty-five beautiful, wonderful, amazing people who should be celebrated for their moxie! And then immediately forgotten after they've left the show.
The kids have been separated into three rooms, and once again begin mentally sizing up their roommates. Good, bad, not bad, okay, I'm better than him, uh.I can't figure out this room! You know, while we have some time, it's a good opportunity to discuss the greater ramifications of stardom and our culture and.oh, just get to the results! Room one is in! And now this commercial break would be another good opportunity to discuss the.I told you! Get to the results! The judges enter the second room. Randy is holding Paula's hand for support. This can't be good. And it isn't. Simon closes with "Nice to meet you all." Sweet. So then obviously room three will be just fine, thanks. SCREAM! We made it! Huzzah!