Okay! We're back for another jam-packed week of singing and such, and I'm trying to infuse this recap with lots of energy, so I'm using lots of exclamation points! Here are some more!!!!!!!!!!111 (I can only hold the shift key for so long). Last week, the judges were kinda bored and thought Group One played it a little safe. Although they later pulled me aside and told me I was playing it too wild and it was time to throttle back. But I said no way, man! I only know one way to go, and that's putting the hammer down, baby! Anyway, will Group Two venture out on the ledge a little bit? Maybe juggle flaming torches while singing? I guess we'll find out!
Tonight...talking, talking, talking, giant collar, bunch of kids and here we go. The mystery audience is back once again. Or maybe it's the singers' very extended families. Whoever they are, they love going "whooo!" as most TV audiences are wont to do these days. Let's strike up the band to celebrate!
Ryan goes backstage and introduces us to this week's group of fresh faces. First up is Matt Rogers. Matt's cheeks are perpetually apple-y. Matt finishes his song without charging anybody, but Admiral Randy thought it coulda been better. Simon gave it a 3 out of 10, which is...which is not good if you're keeping score at home. Matt, showing a considerable amount of restraint for a football player, turns and heads back to the couch.
Next up is Bre. Not the cheese, the person. Obviously. Bre tells us that she works as a barback, which I feel is an overlooked, but crucial, segment of the working class. People need ice, you know! Randy doesn't know what to say about it either. Simon claims he doesn't have anything constructive to add. Backstage, Ryan asks Bre why folks should keep her in this competition and she replies that we haven't seen anything yet.
Following Bre is Noel Roman. We see him playing some basketball and I wonder if they'll just reuse the same footage when Jesus is up. Hey! There's another Roman in the audience! And he can expect some more face time when Roman #2 is up. The most remarkable thing about Noel's performance is his patented flipped-up shirt collar, which I bet is pretty tough to iron. So how did Noel do? Simon says the whole thing was out of tune and Randy is wondering if maybe the judges messed up with some of their selections.
After a break, it's time for the very fun and wacky Kara Master. I have no idea how Kara's performance was because I was transfixed by both the psychedelic snowflakes backdrop behind her and the hypnotic square at the top of her shirt type thing. I'm now in a highly suggestible state, so whatever the judges say, I'll believe. Randy advises Kara to "pick a better song and sing it better." But even those biting words can't defuse Kara's fun wackiness. Simon thinks the entire night is terrible. Kara's mother...is...not...enjoying...this. But backstage? More fun wackiness from Kara!
Another rest and it's time for Lisa Leuschner. In her intro piece, Lisa tells us she's a karaoke assistant. What does that entail exactly? Putting the CDs away? Wiping the mic down after each song? Dissuading people from singing "Love Shack"? And do you get paid for such things? Answers, please! Lisa opts to go the sultry, smoky route on her song. Which way will the judges go on her performance? The good way! They liked it! Everybody's happy! Or at least Lisa is happy.
Now it's time for a Roman repeat as Jesus takes the stage. Jesus doesn't play basketball it seems, but he does do calisthenics, which probably secures him Jack LaLanne's spry vote. Jesus, sporting the same facial hair as his audience brother, performs about as well as his singing brother. Well, at least the show reunited them. Back on the couch with Ryan, Jesus says if people vote him through, they'll get nothing but hard work from him.
We're back and we have this season's very first Hawaiian. Camile is a pancake waitress. Sure, maybe it would've been more poetic if she was billed as a hash slinger in a diner, but I really like pancakes. And I really like Hawaii. And I really like pancakes in Hawaii so even if Camile doesn't win, I'll like her. According to the judges, it was an almost performance brimming with potential. But on the plus side, this pork sandwich is really dang good.
Before we go any further, Ryan wants to talk to the kids about Simon. You can imagine where this is heading. Maybe the kids will throw us a curveball and praise him effusively. Eh. So much for that.
Lastly, tonight we have Marisa Joy. That's maREESa, not maRISSa. Now you won't embarrass yourself at parties when the topic of conversation turns to her performance. Marisa, she looks like she has a bit of an edge to her. Like she shouldn't be crossed. Marisa goes the Lisa route of smoky and sultry. Well, to use a pun, which we all should do often, was Marisa's performance some kind of wonderful?
The judges thought week one was a little too safe. And they thought this week was a little too bad. And they thought I was a little too great. And that about sums it up.