First off, I have to give it up for the boom bips, the boom bips, who have shared bunches and bunches of adulation this week. The poll voting, the emails, the pats on the back when I'm grocery shopping, it all makes me feel special. And really, isn't that a basic human need? I love the emails that ask when you might get to finally see me, I love the emails that say I'm better than Seacrest, I love all of it. So keep it coming. Together, we can take over the world! At least this part of it.
Anyway, correspondence aside, tonight should be a really fab party. It's Elton John's music, which I secretly dig, and I don't care what you say about it! As long as you don't say anything bad.
I hear cheering. I hear music. I don't hear any talking. I'm slightly confused. Ryan comes out sporting a big cheeser, and Christopher Moltisanti compliments his sharp look tonight. Ryan then coyly introduces each judge with an Elton pun, perhaps hinting at what tonight's theme is. Except that we've all known it for almost a week.
Cut away to rehearsals around a cherry red piano. Man, does that thing have a sheen on it. I wonder if Elton has a piano buffer as well as piano tuner. No way a celeb has one guy perform two jobs. But forget the piano, a knight has just entered the room. Do you capitalize knight in this situation? I'm so far behind on my Book of British Etiquette. It's a jolly good read though. Merry, merry. Pip pip. Camile cries upon finally meeting an actual k(K)night, which is a fairly normal reaction, I suppose. Then the show's music guy gets to share a piano bench with Elton, which is a thrill for any piano playing feller.
Fantasia starts us off by copying Ryan's audience visit move. Man, she is WAY up there. And those earrings go WAY down there. Fantasia gives a bombastic performance that Randy and Paula fall over applauding and Simon disagrees. Partisan politics are ruining Hollywood! A fan in the audience holds up a sign that reads, "Fantastic. The next American Idol." Umm, her name is actually Fantasia. Fantasia.
Elton says JPL has great phrasing. I don't know what that means, but keep it up, Jon Peter! Is JPL wearing a velvet sport coat? Leather? A mix of velvet and leather known as velther? Rubber? And what color is it? Black? Electric midnight blue? Will somebody please clue me in? JPL quickly ditches his barstool to take a little stroll around the stage. First over here. Okay, everything checks out stage right. Then over here, yeah, stage left is good too. All right, now I'm done. Randy wasn't thrilled with it. Paula searches and searches for something positive to say and finally thanks JPL for inspecting the stage for loose bolts. Simon busts him up and the rocket man crashes back to terra firma.
Jasmine is up next. She was also surprised to meet Elton. Come on, kids! You're celebrities! You should be expecting to meet the gods of the Earth every day! It's how Hollywood works.. Jasmine goes all out, but Randy doesn't think she quite hit her mark. Paula's down with that thought. Oh, and don't go all out next time, Jasmine. It doesn't suit you. Simon tells Jasmine she's not doing enough to win and the audience screams in support for.Simon. Or Jasmine? Man, I have no idea.
John Stevens is going to sing "Crocodile Rock." tonight. I'm a big fan of this song. It always makes me pull a Tom Cruise and dance in my underwear. Even when I'm in the car, which is apparently a violation of the California State Vehicular Code, Section AAB136. E. John told John S. to add some personality to his act tonight, so John picked out a jacket that matched his head.. I mean, if Seacrest tried that, his jacket would be dark brown at the bottom and light yellow at the shoulders. Feeling inspired by the coat, John adds a little pep to his routine, which unfortunately causes his voice to crack like Bobby Brady's. The judges lay down the law and Simon compares John's effort to Plan 9 From Outer Space. A slightly arcane reference, but hurtful nonetheless. Especially if John ever rents Ed Wood. "Oh my God! That's what Simon was talking about? Noooooooooo!"
Next up is Camile, who may still be crying over meeting Elton. Nope, she's finally pulled herself together. Whoa! Look at this! The wristband hasn't gone anywhere. Goodbye, yellow brick road! Hello, yellow brick background lights! Camile adds a little Huff bounce to her song and then she's done. A few wrestling fans in the audience holler their approval, but that doesn't sway the judges. In fact, Simon thinks "Goodbye yellow brick road" might be an appropriate lyric for Camile tonight.
Now we have George Huff. Huff Daddy Supreme. He'll be singing "Take Me To The Parlor," which I think is about an ice cream shop. Wait. Parlor? Pilot? Pocket? I don't know, but I know I like seeing a lot of the Huff Bounce, and George does not disappoint. George wraps it up and the judges love the Huff Bounce too. Bounce. Ba-ba-bounce! Huff Bounce! That should be George's first single after the show. He can keep the music to "Wild Wild West" and just change the lyrics. I mean, heck, that's how Puffy works. Pocket! Ah ha! "Take Me To The Pocket." Well, that could still be about an ice cream shop. John Pocket's Sweetery and Soda Shoppe. I really saved that one!
Now we have Diana DeGarmo,. Spunky as ever, Diana pulls a Seacrest and makes a lap of the front row crowd. She's a woman of the people! She's still standing! Until her song is over! Then she'll sit! Then she'll go backstage! But for now.she's still standing! The judges aren't standing up for this one. Randy wasn't thrilled and Simon doesn't even feel like mailing one in. He passes. Next clue, please.
La (space) Toya. Elton says he'd sign La (space) Toya to a record deal on the spot. Idol has dibs, Elton, but don't go far. La (space) Toya debuts her third hairstyle is three weeks and she should stick with this one, because she really turned it out tonight. Hitting big notes, holding big notes, a lime green skirt, it was all there. Randy and Paula love it. Simon, tough and loving like an Eastern European gymnastics coach, tells La (space) Toya to kick it up another notch, then come talk to him.
We're back and Ryan is back in the crowd. He introduces us to the host of Pop Idol, the original British version and I start hatching a plan to launch a foreign host exchange program. They get Ryan and we get her. And anybody else they might have over there like her.
Jennifer Hudson is in the anchor position tonight, singing that one song from The Lion King. No, not "Hakuna Matada." The other one. Turning down a chance to wear a lion mane, Jennifer dressing business casual conservative tonight. And maybe the other singers should dress this way next week, because Jennifer blasted her song out tonight. The judges liked it, the audience liked it, you liked it, the Board of Directors liked it, we all liked it.
So there's another show. Now we can see why Elton John is such a huge star. Not just anybody can do what he does. In fact, practically nobody can. Seacrest! Out!