A recent poll about the upcoming 2004 election revealed that 40% of voters will choose a candidate based on foreign policy matters, 35% will vote for a candidate based on the economy and domestic issues and a whopping 25% will choose based on whether a candidate believes John Stevens deserved to stay in the finals instead of Jennifer Hudson.

With that in mind, tonight's results show is of massive importance. It seems like nothing less than the future stability of our nation rests on the outcome of your votes last night.

Seacrest comes out sporting the dark suit and we can officially say that now it's light on Tuesday, dark on Wednesday. Which makes more sense, of course. Wednesday is much more somber while Tuesday is a super music party spectacular. We can also say that we've spent far too much time worrying about Seacrest's various jackets. And right now you're thinking, "We? How about just you, jerk?"

Ryan intros the judges in that way that only he can, saunters over to the kids and then we see last night's samba-rific activities. Of course, the party doesn't stop there. At least not according to Ryan. Why not? Because here are the six Idols going Cubano once more! Starting things off with some all for one hand move, then deftly shifting to a shot of Fantasia badonka donk, the routine puts us in full party mode. The Fruit Stripe background is going strong, I'm having some fried plantains and it's like we're actually in Havana! Without the tanks parked down the street. Then John flexes and smiles.. Viva!

We're back and Seacrest is going to split the kids into cute little groups. He's really into this lately. This may have been how he passed out Valentines in grade school. Fantasia, the judges weren't crazy about you and your earrings are really long. Naturally you're in group A. Diana, the judges loved you. So of course you're in Group A as well. I tell you what, if La Toya joins them, those girls might run screaming out of the studio. So La Toya.join them! Bum bum bah! So we all know where this is going, right? John, you're in group B by default, the judges weren't blown away by you and as you know, you're in Group B. No! Stay there! The groups will be separated both figuratively and literally! Jasmine, whatever the judges said about you, you're in Group B. George H., B please.

So which group is which? I'm just dyyyyyyyying to find out! Well, the girls onstage are in the top group.. Now, as for you lazy couch sitters, well, one of you is in major trouble. You won't be sitting much longer, I'll tell you that much. Oh, by the way, before this commercial, I have a bit of advice for you. When the cream sits out too long, you must whip it. Whip it good.

We're back and the couchers and the stagers have switched places. Because when you're assured on moving on to next week, you deserve a plushy, electric blue seat. And you know who else deserves one? Jasmine. She's just so cute. Man, the finals are going to be estrogen heavy.

George. John. You're both tall and polite. And you're both incredibly nervous right now. Is that enough to put you through to the final five? No, of course not. Only America's votes can do that, and America hasn't messed up the voting process since Millard Fillmore won the presidency. So.John.George. One of you landed 4 million votes last night.. And tonight spells the end for.John Stevens.. All you pundits out there will have to find something else to complain about this week. Good luck. There's hardly anything else important going on in the world.

Now that his reign has finally ended, let me say this much. John really did handle the controversy nicely. Of course, he doesn't say much on a good day, so maybe that's just how he manages everything.. Gosh, what a nice kid. Now will you people please calm down already?

Lastly, the new funniest thing in the entire universe is Seacrest's somber Wednesday sign off. With each departure getting sadder and sadder, super chipper maybe isn't the way for him to go. So now Ryan has to close each show like a funeral director wrapping up a viewing. "He was such a terrific man. Everybody said such wonderful things about him. Seacrest out. Sigh. These are such tough times." Gold!