It's results night. I spent the day coming up with multiple witticisms that can be applied to almost any situation. Ryan spent the afternoon running errands and picking up his light suit from the cleaners. And the Idols spent the afternoon teaching themselves how to keep from vomiting in terror if they're tabbed for the bottom three. All in all, a productive day for everyone.
"Last night, a whole of bunch of stuff happened. Tonight, I try to terrify the young with my authoritative voice. Go to your room, young man!" Wait. Where's the standard deep voice guy/kids standing in the dark intro? Maybe Baritone Bob didn't have five seconds free this week. Seacrest, chipper as ever, comes out to start the show. He could actually be more chipper than ever, although chipperness levels that high are still strictly theoretical. Anyway, here's Ryan in his standard Wednesday.dark suit! No deep voice? No light suit? Results on Thursday last week? My world is being flipped upside down! I'm wearing my shoes on my hands now! Don't these people understand that I crave routine?!
My problems aside, Ryan introduces the judges, including Admiral Randy Jackson, and the contestants with a noticed lack of panache. Finally, a return to normal! Hey, you know what would be sorta mildly neat? If Barry Manilow sang a frighteningly patriotic uber-anthem with all of the shiny Idols. Barry comes out for his part and this would be an ideal opportunity to remark that this is what Clay will look like in 30 years. Except Barry used that joke himself last night. Cut off at the pass! Judging from this song, freedom and slow arm waving are tied at the hip. Eastern Europeans in the '70s had to be satisfied with merely twirling an ankle. But over here in the Super States, we can wave our arms out our SUV windows with abandon. Because we're freeeeeeeeeeeee! A few slow twirls later, the song is over. Now get there and vote, kids!
We're back and it's time for the results. Like he's done before, Ryan is going to separate the kids into two groups. Splitting hairs for a moment, we've only split the kids into three groups before, and that only happened once. But let's not get tied up in semantics. Heck, I make about twenty mistakes a column as people have so helpfully pointed out. Fantasia, last night everybody loved you. So you're in Group A. Diana, people liked you a lot last night too, so you're in Group B. Umm.so both groups are for the good singers? Jennifer, the judges absolutely loved you last night. So naturally you're in Group A. Hmm. Maybe these groups are just random. Maybe there's no hidden meaning to search for. Jasmine Journalist. Wait! Trias! You're in Group B. John Stevens. Try Group B on for size. La Toya, last night you were called the best singer in the competition. So of course you're in Group A. Group A might as well go sit down right now. I mean, when the judges say each member of your crew is one of the best, you can probably sit back and relax, right?
George. You're sitting all by yourself on the couch, away from all the action. Much like I do at a party where I don't know anybody. So George, what will it be? You have to join a group. You must fit in. Be like us! Be like us! Ryan breaks it to George that he's safe tonight and George breaks into a little dance. A dance that won't make anybody say, "Wow, that George really handles himself with class and dignity."
The shuffling ends and Ryan tells George to join the top group. Naturally, he joins the one with all the good singers. But you see, George, we've gone KA-RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY on American Idol tonight! You've actually joined the bottom group! Ho ho ho! Fantasia laughs in disbelief. I'm with you, sister! Even Jasmine is shocked by this one. She pulls the Nikki McKibbin "I can't believe I'm still safe" face.
Judges, what do you think about all of this? Randy tells the country to wise up and not embarrass us all by sticking us with a junk Idol. Paula, ow-ie and all, blames Ralph Nader for pulling votes away from La Toya, Jennifer and Fantasia. Simon says, hey Jasmine and Diana were sweet last night, don't blame them. Besides, it's all about the voters! What, sucka, what?! Let's end this nightmare by letting at least one of the gals off the hook. La Toya, scamper on outta here, baby.
Before the break, Ryan tries to really, really, really, really, really, really, really hammer home the point that you need to vote for the people you like. Assuming that they're the most talented singers. If your favorites aren't the most talented, well, quit screwing it up for the rest of us. The ever-tightening camera lets us know that Ryan's words are very, very serious.
We're back. And I hope you all spent that entire commercial break thinking about how you messed things up this week. And feeling guilty about the obvious scare you've given Ryan. I hope his words hit you square in the chest and blew you across the room. Seacrest doesn't like to use his mighty powers of persuasion very often, but he will when it's absolutely necessary. So check yourself before you wreck yourself, fool!
Fantasia. Jennifer. One of you will be getting absolutely jobbed tonight. Ryan offers his deepest, most sincere, non-show bizziest apologies to.Jennifer. Bum bum ba. Jennifer, your paramilitary chic outfit wasn't enough to protect you tonight. Perhaps you should've added a helmet and cigar to the mix.
Closing out the show, Ryan hits us with his message once more. Please vote! (But only for the best singers.) And then we're treated to an absolutely glorious moment. Perhaps the greatest moment in Idol history, as if to make up for all the tension and scolding tonight. With time running out, Ryan signed off with "Don't forget that you have to vote for your favorites - Seacrest out - and an all-new O.C. is coming up next." Only a man who spends 30 hours a week on America's airwaves would have the hosting dexterity to pull off that trifecta. Column over, Seacrest out.